Don't Stand In The Way And Pretend You Missed Me

If two is better than one, why am I alone? I have sought companionship and fought to hold onto it, but it's separated. Crushed. My efforts are in vain. How can I trust someone to stay when even my friends don't? Do I need to be pounded into the ground and have these thoughts etched into my mind continually? Does this frustration ever end? To feel like I can rely on someone seems unreachable. 

I just keep reflecting on different people that imposed their feelings on me and how much it's hurt or just affected me in general. And it's not fair when it's brought up nonchalantly. I'm not even given a real chance to respond. And then I get left in the dark. I'm so tired of searching for real love. I am tired of cowards not taking a risk for me. 

I just want to be one with someone and be whole. I feel it's never gonna find me.

Do You Have Room for One More Troubled Soul?

I haven't even gone on a rant about my feelings for so long here. I have held off I think because I didn't want to come to you and not have much to say. And it isn't like you are an audience depending on my entries, you aren't even there. But I have to sort through my unpoetic thoughts at some point and somewhere. Nothing good comes from supression, not that I've been doing that completely. But those thoughts that I just don't share, those ones so vague yet so precise that speaking to anyone about would cause them to wonder "Is this concerning me?" and at this point, so much of what I feel concerns everyone around me. When I say concern, I mean involves, because I doubt even half of who I know on a decent level really gives a damn on what bothers me or hurts me. I can't really expect a high percentage, I suppose, because it isn't like I wholly know what is going on in anyone's life these days.
The problem with my thoughts is that I tend to go down a dark path. It isn't full of "I want to kill myself" thoughts. Not exactly what I mean when I say dark. I just have had a mind full of frustrated and hurtful thoughts. Ones that just tear myself down, like rocks turn into minerals. It is a self-decay, to some degree. And a road that I don't like being on. I blame myself continually for feeling feelings. I punish myself for that. It's a way of thinking that needs to be retrained, reformed. And I, to some extent, wish you could understand my pain. How my heart can physically ache and long for things that it is just so far from.
I lived constantly internalizing my feelings, and now I've gotten so bad at hiding them. At least, that is how I view myself. I see it as "heart on sleeve." But "they" say you see yourself a good amount worse than others do. Except, what about those others that have pushed you to the edge. The others that gave you the gun for suicide, or the injection. You know, the ones that encouraged your break down in all reality. How do they see me? Or those who just drop in and out when they feel like it? How do they view me?
I think I may be more open with how I feel because I am less willing to be trampled on. I am more willing to put up a fight because I am stretched thin as it is. I have let myself become skin and skeleton. I've been worn down to my core. They drop in like a bomb, and leave with so much destruction. They drop just above the surface so they can quickly make their getaway without being affected, infected. Don't they feel anything for what they do to me? Don't they feel remorse for just breaking up my expectations and hopes? I don't think I will ever understand those who are just walking out with no explanation, no rhyme, no reason told. No. I have reasons for what I do, for who I have to leave alone, and for my own vices I still cling to now and then. But I strive for virtues, and cannot comprehend when using someone as a means to an end is a way of life. That will not be said of me, that I used people for my own purposes only. I will be known as a lover, as a person who understood and cared.

Great Lengths

I don't know if it doesn't hurt

Or I just don't let my mind go there. 

And I don't know if I'm breaking

Or already broke and don't care. 

I won't stop saying 

How I feel doesn't matter

Because I wouldn't hold back

If I knew it would change a thing. 

Will I go to great lengths 

Just to find a love that may

Not even exist for me. 

Or is that something

 I shouldn't say?

Would you go to great lengths

To find a way

Because this emptiness inside

Is eating me alive 

It's all I can take. 

I don't know if I'm ready

To believe in love again. 

But if you sought me

And fought for me,

I know my mind would change. 

Runaway, Girl

You have a way of making me 

feel wanted, but not needed. 

Every warning and swear I threw, 

you never had heeded. 

And I said, back up. 

You're in my way. 

I want something real 

and this is fake. 

You plant the thoughts in my head. 

What if? Why not? 

Forget common sense. 

Your enticing games and playful banter, captivating gaze won't stop me. Can't ya quit, no? So runaway girl. 

As soon as you found me, 

sought me in the empty parking lot, 

You must've decided I could be 

your queen, I'd play the part. 

But I said, hold on. 

I don't play chess. 

This won't change a thing. 

So, be on your best. 

Here we go again. 

It's been a few months. 

You're in this rut again,

Lonely, desperate for a friend. 

Throw out the rule books, 

You never did follow them. 

Heartbreak is War...

I hear sirens. 

I think they're for my heart. 

They know its breaking,

They know it's coming apart. 

I hope the ambulance can find me

Before the attack. 

I hope I'm reachable 

Before everything goes black. 

And they get closer,

Maybe I will be saved. 

But glass has to shatter

When screams are made. 

They've stopped for me,

Bringing oxygen and revivers. 

Heartbreak is war...

I just hope I'm a survivor. 

The Knight In Red

I close my eyes and I can see him.
He has no face. He has no name.
But his soul is ever lasting,
And anciently, ever waiting.
With his hands, he grips a sword,
It overpowers any blade or knife;
My body protected from the scars.
With his eyes, flowers rise from ash
And begin to fill the empty dark.
Golden leaves and silver stems shine,
Followed by swarms of butterflies
And hummingbirds seeking rest,
Longing for the sweet nectar.
And with his heart, oceans pour in,
These high walls cannot withstand.
All of the barricades are destroyed by the depth and width.
Then, with his words, my soul calms.
And in his mind, there is only more,
And time doesn't limit.
He opens the gates to the deepest and most secret garden.
And there I stand, smiling finally.
I see his face. I know his name.
And with a comforting look into
The deepest gaze I've ever held,
I know I have been found.

Speak

I'm told that if I tell myself something
Enough times I'll start to believe it.
I guess I've been convincing
Only my cynical side is accurate.

It's easy for you to tell me
"Look at the bright side."
I wouldn't ask you to see
What I do through my eyes.
But we both know strong is only
What we allow it to be.

Come through to the red side.
The haze is just a light shade.
There's no gray, black or white.
Only fire consumes the night I made.

Convince me there is hope,
Because I can't speak at all.
I need a voice, my heart is broke.
Where are you, red knight of dawn?