I'm sitting at the computer of my school library waiting to meet with my adviser. We're going to map out the next year and a half of my life for school. Of course, just because we may write something down, that doesn't mean it will actually happen that way. My plans have already been changed so much.
Sometimes, it seems nothing is certain. That no matter what you thought you could depend on, rely on, put faith in, it never seems to work out. Many times, I just wonder, "Why do I try?" because it feels so hopeless. If my future is uncertain, we are influenced to plan it. But what happens when that is all in disarray? What do you do when everything else has failed? If what I plan is not the final say, I think, why plan? Why have goals or dreams when it's ultimately not up to me if they are actually fulfilled?
But isn't mystery supposed to be exciting? Isn't it thrilling to NOT know what's going to happen next? Uncertainty is decaying. But what if you don't view it as that? What IF it's just being in awe of what you don't know? Or marveling at the unknown? What if the only thing that is mystifying is how focused I AM on what MY plans are for myself? What if that is the wonder?
I have so many questions that just don't have answers. Some say that you should start doing. But where do I begin? How far should I go? When will I end? One answer is followed up with a thousand more questions. Is that the point? If I knew the answer to one thing, I would think I deserved the right for more. The comfort is that everyone is searching for answers.
But for once, I would like someone to be searching for me.
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