All I long for is to do something worthy of remembrance; to live a life that does light a way for those in the dark. But how can one shadow lead another? My soul craves to be filled with godliness and yet my heart just pushes it away. My wicked heart wants to hide in the darkness and pain. It's safer and it's what I know. But is it honestly safer? It leaves me lost and stranded and dying. I have been dying. Dying within. Who am I anymore? Who am I to be upset that I have so much pain... Who am I... Weak and wounded and a sinful shame.
Will I ever be safe? Will my heart ever rest easy? No. Not in this life. But it's wrong to take my life. Yet I cannot rest. I am never done. I can feel my heart strings being ripped. I can feel my spirit being smashed with a brick. I can feel the thick walls surrounding me, barricading me in - no air, no breath, no warmth, just black emptiness.
And to continue this thought, the constant wonder of when this will all make sense and when all this will end. It's not my place to have those answers, though I will still ask those questions. What else can I do? I'm not doubting God's control and power, I am doubting myself and my ability to keep trudging on and holding on to the right ropes.
Disconnect. Disconnected from the body. I can sometimes see myself just wandering around. I see my body lying there asleep while my mind is wide awake. Out of my heart comes this craving for so much more. To be understood inside out. Dead and lifeless, I lie there. I see my solemn face, but I can't make myself get up or wake up. I'm watching me. JUST DO SOMETHING!
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