Dark Am I Yet Lovely

I spent a lot of time thinking about it. In a world where things go how they should, building friendships first and then starting a relationship would be extremely successful. But that is not what happens. All these so called friends you thought you knew have spent little time really knowing you. You have been doing all you can to be available, to be there, to be an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, and a wall to bounce things off of. What have you gained in return for all you ever did for them? You want a moment and it slips on by. You want a memory, and it becomes so much associated with pain, that you have to force yourself to forget. Why is it that my friends are willing to risk less for me? Once a friend, it's like they don't need to care anymore, or keep up with me. Then, it's all about what I can do for them. I sincerely do care for people I invested in once, and those I grew up with, and those I have stayed on good terms with. And even those I haven't. But for once I want my efforts to be worth something, and for me to gain and save and continue toward something good.
I wish I hadn't invested in some for the amount of time I did and for how in depth I did, because I may be more willing to throw myself away again. I may be missing out on chances that I would've risked anyway because I have never let my past stop me from trying or giving someone a chance. But this time, I am taking a letter I wrote myself from the past in the form of poems, sayings, blogs that I am not going to repeat the cycle and end up more dead inside. If I, a guarded person, give everything I can to open up someone else, what will there be inside of my walls? It is senseless to try to be with someone that doesn't even know if they want you, let alone what they want. To be with someone that always puts you on hold, that expresses how they feel whenever they choose to, but as soon as you open up, they just tear you down and cast you out. You get treated like a problem they have to solve, and there is no yes and no. There is only gray. So, if you and him and that other friend or that other random guy from the bank, or whoever is this way, always in gray... you are not for me. My knight is in red. Red for passion, life, color, fullness, warmth and heat, and fire, desire, certainty, safety, lively bright flashes of light, hopefulness, and love. There is no questions, or uncertainty in his eyes. He knows what he wants, he isn't afraid, and he leads. He risks equally as much as I do because I am his weakness and he is my strength. He will be my strength.
Oh, dear Knight. I am ever waiting on you to come in quietly and then zealously take my heart.