Misery Loves Its Company

All I long for is to do something worthy of remembrance; to live a life that does light a way for those in the dark. But how can one shadow lead another? My soul craves to be filled with godliness and yet my heart just pushes it away. My wicked heart wants to hide in the darkness and pain. It's safer and it's what I know. But is it honestly safer? It leaves me lost and stranded and dying. I have been dying. Dying within. Who am I anymore? Who am I to be upset that I have so much pain... Who am I... Weak and wounded and a sinful shame.

Will I ever be safe? Will my heart ever rest easy? No. Not in this life. But it's wrong to take my life. Yet I cannot rest. I am never done. I can feel my heart strings being ripped. I can feel my spirit being smashed with a brick. I can feel the thick walls surrounding me, barricading me in - no air, no breath, no warmth, just black emptiness.

And to continue this thought, the constant wonder of when this will all make sense and when all this will end. It's not my place to have those answers, though I will still ask those questions. What else can I do? I'm not doubting God's control and power, I am doubting myself and my ability to keep trudging on and holding on to the right ropes.

Disconnect. Disconnected from the body. I can sometimes see myself just wandering around. I see my body lying there asleep while my mind is wide awake. Out of my heart comes this craving for so much more. To be understood inside out. Dead and lifeless, I lie there. I see my solemn face, but I can't make myself get up or wake up. I'm watching me. JUST DO SOMETHING!

Shade of Darkness

We train our eyes to pierce the veil covering our vision.
We train our hearts to become cold to feeling.
We train our words to strike through like deep incision.
We train ourselves to tear apart what we’re building.

We let our minds wander where they shouldn’t go.
We let our hands destroy the world.
We let our fires kill what should grow.
We let our children break hearts of boy and girl.

We all have our own personal demon.
We all have our closet skeletons in hidin’.
We all conceal the times we’ve succumbed.
We all have our own shade of darkness within.

No Title for Today.

I don’t like posting openly about my real thoughts and real life. I do have a blog where I have related some life events. I only post where I believe my audience is small or nonexistent. It’s not for attention or recognition. Definitely not for anyone to feel sorry for me or give me a pity party. I know that tonight is supposed to be a wonderful celebration, watching the new year come in. Everything about New Year’s Eve is just awful memories for me. I would rather not recollect them ever again. I just want to promise myself that I’ll protect my heart, no matter the cost. If I cannot live with myself, why should I push me aside and try to live with anyone else? I live my life. No one else does. Though, I’d rather not live mine sometimes. No one has a choice. Everything is preplanned. Predestined. I have no choice.

At least I won’t be blind this new year. I know love doesn’t exist. I know my heart will always ache. I know that the past made me who I am. And I know that no one really cares, deep down. We all just try to feel something we don’t want to feel. We all try to relate to each other when we don’t really care. We talk about our struggles, because no one else will listen. We confess our deep secrets because we can’t handle our guilt. Yes. Shame and guilt. 

I Can't Cry No More

It seems at that moment where I'm giving up on everything, that moment where my heart is completely destroyed, and I've no reason to keep going, and when I have lost all  feelings, something just steps in the way. But it isn't something that saves me. It's something that makes the noose to hang me on. It's something that pushes both of my feet out and locks the door behind me. Change. It forces me to move when I want to stay. It forces me to stay when I want to dance. I'm doomed to this - this emptiness. Depression, dissension - broken down and broken apart. I'm not going to recover from this one. I'm trying to move on, trying to let go, but it won't let me. I'll never get past this hurt.

Don't Lose Heart, Keri

Is it possible for eyes to lose their color?
Is it possible for a picture to fade?
You long for light to come through your heart.
You long for love to find away.

You beat yourself up
For hitting the ground.
You put yourself down
For not being strong enough.

Here love is to save you.
Just waiting for you to stay.
You keep praying for true love,
But everyone has turned away.
There is a story to be told
After years of being broken.
This is what the future holds:
A love so pure and golden.

Your eyes will be the brightest blue.
Your beauty will shine right through
Your heart will be made anew.
The greatest kind of love will come to you.

Don't lose heart.

Sunrise Shout

Where do I go from here?
I feel lost.
I'm losing myself to fear.
The light is gone.

Gray. Gray. Gray.
Everything I fight for
Fades away, away.
The fire is no more.

I'm running towards the shots
Trying so hard to find the answer.
But the door is secured by padlock
And my desperate hands turn it over.

The sunrise;
Is it a promise?
Silence.
No answer.
Silence.

'Cause Baby, It's Just Worthless

I know I should be working on editing my play-script for my English class, but I really don't feel like it. We have three more classes devoted to editing one of our previous assignments, and honestly, the one I chose doesn't need a whole lot of work. You could say I haven't been pushing so hard in school this semester, but I just feel like it's all worthless. Pointless. I don't really have the desire to continue in college. But I know I must finish it eventually. It's best to have a degree. But Ivy Tech has made it impossible for me to graduate in two years like I should be.

Honestly, I have been so down and out. More so with every passing day. Maybe to an unhealthy measure, I don't know. I don't really trust the psychology test I had to take anyway. If it was wrong about more than one thing, then it's faulty. Unreliable. I am in a deep rut, and I don't know how to get out.

Do you ever feel like you are just pushed aside having to watch everything happen to you? There's no way of stopping or going. You just have to watch, like your life is on a screen. I feel so far away from everything. So distant. Whatever I fight for or desire or long for, it goes away or vanishes or slips right through my hands. Everything leaves. Everyone leaves. I give myself away to help, to save, to provide, to advise... but in vanity. I'm left with nothing. So what about me? Why must I give all I have for someone to get what they need? Don't I count for anything? Where do I come into play? When will someone give all themselves to me? Never... It's whispered in my ear, NEVER. You will never belong. You will never be remembered. You will never be trusted. You will never be loved. Lies? Are these lies?

Yes, lies. They have to be, I tell myself. But not all of them are. If I were ever meant to belong, I would have belonged at some point somewhere. But I don't. And I won't. I don't understand why someone I did everything I could to show them I loved them, show them they belonged when they were with me, that they have so much purpose and meaning...they didn't find me worth holding onto, they didn't love me in return, they didn't make me belong and wouldn't let me help them. It hurts and tortures me like hell. This is my hell. And I have the scars to prove it.

I have a bone to pick with you, God. If you even listen to me anymore, take me home. I don't want to be here. I don't want to play this game of life.