This Type of Old New Reflections

These deep reflections
And these hard questions
Are the conversations
I treasure and need.
You have given me
This strong rope to hold to
And protected my heart
With walls made by your hands.
With these hands,
You continued to build
A home, a place to stay.
In a watch tower, as a guard,
You've fought nightmares,
You chased demons away.
The lights around your tower
Illuminate all of the blackness.
You've thrown yourself into
The hole to protect me from it.
But there has become a distance,
With you so high in the sky.
You've drifted far from me,
And in your shadow, I hide.
Can't you come down?
Can't you put down your guard?
Let me inside of your tower.
Let down the walls that protect
Not just me from out there,
But you from me.
I need those arms once again.
I need those strong hands.
I need those expressions
And that smile from your eyes.
I need that soft touch again.
That is the truest protection.

Restating What's Been Said

I know things happen for a reason. But I feel like the reason is always for me to feel empty and alone. Hell, I wish this emptiness would go away, that it would be filled, but it never is. I'm tired of feeling so far away from everything. There is nothing that can draw me in and keep me here. I am pushed aside.
"I start to hate myself.
Just wish I were someone else.
Don't know how many times I felt
Like I'm having to watch my heart melt.
I hate myself.
Just wish I had better cards dealt.
This is unlike anything I've felt.
I stand, pushed aside, watching my heart melt."

The Real Ocean

How can you begin to say you're looking out for me? We're not even in the same state of mind, or state of being. And how can you tell me that you're doing what's best? I must just be getting closer to the issue that you won't give it a rest.

Since we're being open books now - as if I wasn't before -
Will you tell me the truth, that compared to me, you're scared much more? And since we're so close to one another, will you tell me that you want it to be like this forever?

You say we're in the same boat, but how can that be? Have you been so blind you didn't know we're in different seas? What's there to grasp or long for when I've never known it? And what's there to continue onto when you've barely shown it?

Must the distance tear us further than we've ever been severed? It's never been the miles that have stopped us from being together. Must an age past before you see I was waiting for a life time? It's never been you throwing away your heart so you could be mine.

Misery Loves Its Company

All I long for is to do something worthy of remembrance; to live a life that does light a way for those in the dark. But how can one shadow lead another? My soul craves to be filled with godliness and yet my heart just pushes it away. My wicked heart wants to hide in the darkness and pain. It's safer and it's what I know. But is it honestly safer? It leaves me lost and stranded and dying. I have been dying. Dying within. Who am I anymore? Who am I to be upset that I have so much pain... Who am I... Weak and wounded and a sinful shame.

Will I ever be safe? Will my heart ever rest easy? No. Not in this life. But it's wrong to take my life. Yet I cannot rest. I am never done. I can feel my heart strings being ripped. I can feel my spirit being smashed with a brick. I can feel the thick walls surrounding me, barricading me in - no air, no breath, no warmth, just black emptiness.

And to continue this thought, the constant wonder of when this will all make sense and when all this will end. It's not my place to have those answers, though I will still ask those questions. What else can I do? I'm not doubting God's control and power, I am doubting myself and my ability to keep trudging on and holding on to the right ropes.

Disconnect. Disconnected from the body. I can sometimes see myself just wandering around. I see my body lying there asleep while my mind is wide awake. Out of my heart comes this craving for so much more. To be understood inside out. Dead and lifeless, I lie there. I see my solemn face, but I can't make myself get up or wake up. I'm watching me. JUST DO SOMETHING!

Shade of Darkness

We train our eyes to pierce the veil covering our vision.
We train our hearts to become cold to feeling.
We train our words to strike through like deep incision.
We train ourselves to tear apart what we’re building.

We let our minds wander where they shouldn’t go.
We let our hands destroy the world.
We let our fires kill what should grow.
We let our children break hearts of boy and girl.

We all have our own personal demon.
We all have our closet skeletons in hidin’.
We all conceal the times we’ve succumbed.
We all have our own shade of darkness within.

No Title for Today.

I don’t like posting openly about my real thoughts and real life. I do have a blog where I have related some life events. I only post where I believe my audience is small or nonexistent. It’s not for attention or recognition. Definitely not for anyone to feel sorry for me or give me a pity party. I know that tonight is supposed to be a wonderful celebration, watching the new year come in. Everything about New Year’s Eve is just awful memories for me. I would rather not recollect them ever again. I just want to promise myself that I’ll protect my heart, no matter the cost. If I cannot live with myself, why should I push me aside and try to live with anyone else? I live my life. No one else does. Though, I’d rather not live mine sometimes. No one has a choice. Everything is preplanned. Predestined. I have no choice.

At least I won’t be blind this new year. I know love doesn’t exist. I know my heart will always ache. I know that the past made me who I am. And I know that no one really cares, deep down. We all just try to feel something we don’t want to feel. We all try to relate to each other when we don’t really care. We talk about our struggles, because no one else will listen. We confess our deep secrets because we can’t handle our guilt. Yes. Shame and guilt. 

I Can't Cry No More

It seems at that moment where I'm giving up on everything, that moment where my heart is completely destroyed, and I've no reason to keep going, and when I have lost all  feelings, something just steps in the way. But it isn't something that saves me. It's something that makes the noose to hang me on. It's something that pushes both of my feet out and locks the door behind me. Change. It forces me to move when I want to stay. It forces me to stay when I want to dance. I'm doomed to this - this emptiness. Depression, dissension - broken down and broken apart. I'm not going to recover from this one. I'm trying to move on, trying to let go, but it won't let me. I'll never get past this hurt.