We Should Run Together, Run Free

I really am trying to be positive and work hard on bettering myself and my situation. I haven't ever been this focused on positive things in my life. I am getting stronger, smarter, better, healthier, and it has nothing to do with any guy or romance. I am bettering myself for me and for a bigger purpose. Yes, I tend to look at things negatively and with an anxious eye. But give me some credit, I am trying to grow and move on from that. Anything worth striving for can take a long time to gain, but I am learning to believe it is worth it. Becoming the best version of me, or at least continually working toward that, is one of my top priorities right now. And I know I still hold on to the past and don't fully forgive myself, because there are some things that I wish I could ( still ) change. I am working on that part, of learning to forgive myself fully for stupid mistakes because I can't redo anything that I do regret or dislike in my past. I have moved forward so far, and I am way beyond where I was this time last year, even 6 months ago, even three months. I have grown and changed my ways of thinking, my lifestyle, and my motivation. 

I always talked that I should be the best I can be and not worry about who is right for me as a lover, but I never took action. I just wallowed in self-pity or justifiable sadness that I was rejected and hurt. If I depend on people to make me who I want to be, to make me be the best I can be, I will never be happy and I will always be sad. And I am so sick of being unhappy and depressed. I am tired of torturing myself and blaming myself, when I should have just stood up for my morals, my beliefs, myself from the get go. I was weak for so long, but not fragile. Never freaking fragile. (That is directly aimed at my lousy ex who deemed me breakable.) 

So, am I weak for ever feeling sad and distraught? Am I stupid for tearing up when something reminds me of how people hurt me that should have loved me? Or when I cry for remembering when someone lied to me, or walked out of my life? I know recovery doesn't just happen, and that it takes time. But I want to know if I ever will fully recover? It is easier to be alone, it really is. I don't have to reintroduce a new love interest to my family again and again, which just brings problems and turmoil because it is time consuming, my track record of being too into a relationship isn't good as is, and it never works out. My family feels so much for me ( for the most part) that if I get hurt, it makes them hurt and angry, too. Excepting those who only care about themselves. No names. Obviously. I don't want to act like I don't have some grudging thoughts, but I don't have grudges against my family. I really can't because it's not fair. I'm imperfect just as much, so who am I to judge what they did at those moments or for not caring? I've been selfish before. Which it's weird how a long time self-loathing person can be selfish. But it is. My thoughts went a little off the new paragraph. 

I just want to make sense of how I feel. I ignore the deep down thoughts most of the time lately because I don't want to go back down a depressed road, full of darkness and eating disorders and cutting. Too much alone alone time. Too much sobbing. But I do feel stuck in solitary confinement. The majority of my days I spend alone, and very single-minded. It is wonderful not having any attachments to the past string of guys that I dealt with, and not having to deal with current issues. Yes, to be rid of the past heartaches in that area is really nice. And relieving. But to be stuck, where no one else is even budging to earn my interest. Someone of decent material, background, age and situation. My situation in love is discouraging. 

I go out places even if I don't feel like, just in case I may bump into the perfect stranger. I go inside the restaurant instead of the drive thru, I go to the gym and get all grimy and sweaty to be seen as a person who endures and works hard, I go to classes, I participate and speak up, I work hard at my job and keep at it, I try to be perky and smile and laugh. I go to the store just hoping maybe this time, I will meet someone and make a friend. I so badly want friends, someone to be close to me more often. But I don't even have time for that even if I made one. I would make time, knowing me, that's just what I do.  I've exhausted every possible relationship out of my guy friend options. And there is nothing left to venture or seek out. None of my friends or acquaintances are right for me, in love, and I already accepted that. That isn't the issue. I think friends should all just stay friends. It's the fact that I am bettering myself, and no one else notices. No one notices. I am really growing up and no one can see that. I feel like I sound so childish to be complaining, and having to say I am growing up. But bear with me. OK? I haven't spilt all these feelings out. I have barely gone in depth with my true feelings about anything since... well, it's been a while. 

I am discouraged.  That is a fact.

Too Much Noise, I Don't Think

It's the new year and I haven't even posted one blog yet. I know I repeatedly say it isn't like anyone follows these or reads them, but I do have this obligation to post at least 19 entries every year. I have done that since I got the blog, so I want to continue doing that out of habit. 

I would love to have some heartfelt words or deep inspiration with you, but lately I have been trying to not think too much. I usually overthink and binge my emotions on unhealthy food for thought. (See what I did there?) I read somewhere that you should feel your feelings and not think about them. I don't really understand what that means or how that is fully accomplished. But I think it has some truth and substance. Your heart shouldn't get caught with your head. It throws off balances and causes problems. I know that. 

So, I have been teaching myself to be closed, to myself and to others. If I don't know how I feel, I won't have to share it with anyone. Of course, you're thinking it is impossible to not know how you feel. And so, yes. I do know it, but not as deeply like normal. I have disconnected myself from deep thoughts or whatever because I want to be stronger than I have been and letting emotions control me is not beneficial in anyway. I want to be prepared for anything. 

I want it to be said of me that I was strong, and never fragile. (Because of course someone had said so, and I am to prove them wrong.) 

Dark Am I Yet Lovely

I spent a lot of time thinking about it. In a world where things go how they should, building friendships first and then starting a relationship would be extremely successful. But that is not what happens. All these so called friends you thought you knew have spent little time really knowing you. You have been doing all you can to be available, to be there, to be an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, and a wall to bounce things off of. What have you gained in return for all you ever did for them? You want a moment and it slips on by. You want a memory, and it becomes so much associated with pain, that you have to force yourself to forget. Why is it that my friends are willing to risk less for me? Once a friend, it's like they don't need to care anymore, or keep up with me. Then, it's all about what I can do for them. I sincerely do care for people I invested in once, and those I grew up with, and those I have stayed on good terms with. And even those I haven't. But for once I want my efforts to be worth something, and for me to gain and save and continue toward something good.
I wish I hadn't invested in some for the amount of time I did and for how in depth I did, because I may be more willing to throw myself away again. I may be missing out on chances that I would've risked anyway because I have never let my past stop me from trying or giving someone a chance. But this time, I am taking a letter I wrote myself from the past in the form of poems, sayings, blogs that I am not going to repeat the cycle and end up more dead inside. If I, a guarded person, give everything I can to open up someone else, what will there be inside of my walls? It is senseless to try to be with someone that doesn't even know if they want you, let alone what they want. To be with someone that always puts you on hold, that expresses how they feel whenever they choose to, but as soon as you open up, they just tear you down and cast you out. You get treated like a problem they have to solve, and there is no yes and no. There is only gray. So, if you and him and that other friend or that other random guy from the bank, or whoever is this way, always in gray... you are not for me. My knight is in red. Red for passion, life, color, fullness, warmth and heat, and fire, desire, certainty, safety, lively bright flashes of light, hopefulness, and love. There is no questions, or uncertainty in his eyes. He knows what he wants, he isn't afraid, and he leads. He risks equally as much as I do because I am his weakness and he is my strength. He will be my strength.
Oh, dear Knight. I am ever waiting on you to come in quietly and then zealously take my heart.

Don't Stand In The Way And Pretend You Missed Me

If two is better than one, why am I alone? I have sought companionship and fought to hold onto it, but it's separated. Crushed. My efforts are in vain. How can I trust someone to stay when even my friends don't? Do I need to be pounded into the ground and have these thoughts etched into my mind continually? Does this frustration ever end? To feel like I can rely on someone seems unreachable. 

I just keep reflecting on different people that imposed their feelings on me and how much it's hurt or just affected me in general. And it's not fair when it's brought up nonchalantly. I'm not even given a real chance to respond. And then I get left in the dark. I'm so tired of searching for real love. I am tired of cowards not taking a risk for me. 

I just want to be one with someone and be whole. I feel it's never gonna find me.

Do You Have Room for One More Troubled Soul?

I haven't even gone on a rant about my feelings for so long here. I have held off I think because I didn't want to come to you and not have much to say. And it isn't like you are an audience depending on my entries, you aren't even there. But I have to sort through my unpoetic thoughts at some point and somewhere. Nothing good comes from supression, not that I've been doing that completely. But those thoughts that I just don't share, those ones so vague yet so precise that speaking to anyone about would cause them to wonder "Is this concerning me?" and at this point, so much of what I feel concerns everyone around me. When I say concern, I mean involves, because I doubt even half of who I know on a decent level really gives a damn on what bothers me or hurts me. I can't really expect a high percentage, I suppose, because it isn't like I wholly know what is going on in anyone's life these days.
The problem with my thoughts is that I tend to go down a dark path. It isn't full of "I want to kill myself" thoughts. Not exactly what I mean when I say dark. I just have had a mind full of frustrated and hurtful thoughts. Ones that just tear myself down, like rocks turn into minerals. It is a self-decay, to some degree. And a road that I don't like being on. I blame myself continually for feeling feelings. I punish myself for that. It's a way of thinking that needs to be retrained, reformed. And I, to some extent, wish you could understand my pain. How my heart can physically ache and long for things that it is just so far from.
I lived constantly internalizing my feelings, and now I've gotten so bad at hiding them. At least, that is how I view myself. I see it as "heart on sleeve." But "they" say you see yourself a good amount worse than others do. Except, what about those others that have pushed you to the edge. The others that gave you the gun for suicide, or the injection. You know, the ones that encouraged your break down in all reality. How do they see me? Or those who just drop in and out when they feel like it? How do they view me?
I think I may be more open with how I feel because I am less willing to be trampled on. I am more willing to put up a fight because I am stretched thin as it is. I have let myself become skin and skeleton. I've been worn down to my core. They drop in like a bomb, and leave with so much destruction. They drop just above the surface so they can quickly make their getaway without being affected, infected. Don't they feel anything for what they do to me? Don't they feel remorse for just breaking up my expectations and hopes? I don't think I will ever understand those who are just walking out with no explanation, no rhyme, no reason told. No. I have reasons for what I do, for who I have to leave alone, and for my own vices I still cling to now and then. But I strive for virtues, and cannot comprehend when using someone as a means to an end is a way of life. That will not be said of me, that I used people for my own purposes only. I will be known as a lover, as a person who understood and cared.

Great Lengths

I don't know if it doesn't hurt

Or I just don't let my mind go there. 

And I don't know if I'm breaking

Or already broke and don't care. 

I won't stop saying 

How I feel doesn't matter

Because I wouldn't hold back

If I knew it would change a thing. 

Will I go to great lengths 

Just to find a love that may

Not even exist for me. 

Or is that something

 I shouldn't say?

Would you go to great lengths

To find a way

Because this emptiness inside

Is eating me alive 

It's all I can take. 

I don't know if I'm ready

To believe in love again. 

But if you sought me

And fought for me,

I know my mind would change. 

Runaway, Girl

You have a way of making me 

feel wanted, but not needed. 

Every warning and swear I threw, 

you never had heeded. 

And I said, back up. 

You're in my way. 

I want something real 

and this is fake. 

You plant the thoughts in my head. 

What if? Why not? 

Forget common sense. 

Your enticing games and playful banter, captivating gaze won't stop me. Can't ya quit, no? So runaway girl. 

As soon as you found me, 

sought me in the empty parking lot, 

You must've decided I could be 

your queen, I'd play the part. 

But I said, hold on. 

I don't play chess. 

This won't change a thing. 

So, be on your best. 

Here we go again. 

It's been a few months. 

You're in this rut again,

Lonely, desperate for a friend. 

Throw out the rule books, 

You never did follow them.