Self-inflicted pain is easier to deal with than unexpected pain.

I know that with the statement above comes several different exceptions. I believe when you expect a pain to occur because you're allowing it, you know how to face it. If I cause my own pain, I'm prepared for it. Now, if your mind goes to self-mutilation that goes to extreme measures, please stop. I do not mean that it won't hurt as bad if I cut my hand off as if someone else did it. Honestly, it would hurt worse for me because I'd not do it fast enough. The shock of someone else doing it would take over for a while before realizing the pain of it being gone and bleeding a lot. I realize how strange these thoughts are right now.
This comes from a heart that has caused it's own pain and a body that has left scars purposefully on it. I guess this reflection comes from someone who also just pierced her own nose. I'm no expert at anything. Sometimes feeling something I can control is everything. I know it shouldn't be. 

Show Them Your Evolution

I won't settle for this love.
In the movie "the Wedding Date" that I watched last night, the lead male role wrote something like "Women have the type of love/relationships they want." And the lead woman says, do you think I want to be lonely and miserable? What I find while I dig deep into my emotional crevices is that I in fact tend to accept what I think I deserve, or what I am used to. We are all victim to our own minds, what we process as okay or something we can just deal with. There are some of us who don't want to go past the surface and meet our darkest desires or emotions, and we settle for what we can easily obtain and then force feed ourselves the thoughts "This is as good as it gets, I am satisfied." But what of those who just want to be understood, by themselves and by others? I have the hardest time of understanding people who don't want to get to the gritty and ugly of themselves. If we are not exposed to our own persons, then how can we ever truly know anyone else? Or is that something a lot of people don't want?
What intimidates others is that I long to find what drives their heart and actions, what makes them do what they do, and why they think what they think. I search for my own inspirations and what drives me. I analyze what I pursue and my own actions to get beyond what I see right in front of me and maybe find some real answers to what I am accepting for myself. And maybe I can get beyond what I feel, beyond how others make me feel, and reach the truth of it all. Ignorance and being ignored are two things I get thrown into and two things I hate. Details are everything to writers, to thinkers, and to me. I don’t want the vague reply, I want more and more, more than what anyone will give me.
I will not settle for this love.
Beyond ourselves, there is this life. And this life isn't directed by humans. It's directed by God. He offered a love that is beyond any fiction, any story, any comprehensible feeling and action we could conjure up. Why then, if I am offered this unbelievable love do I keep chasing after love that is only so frail and never lasting? Why do we chase after things that don't last while demanding why God won't provide what we've been praying for? Love lasting with some imperfect human who doesn't give two craps about us. I am only writing this to remind myself what God has already provided because I get sidetracked in my heartache when human beings let me down tragically.

"God if you can hear me out all right. Please take these feelings for her inside. My chest hurts when I breathe tonight." - Anberlin

I've been provided for and I cannot do better, anything else is such a settlement if I don't accept the love God decided I deserved. Too many times I have been cultured to think I am waiting on some knight in shining armor to save me, but I don't need saving. I've been saved. And maybe I should tattoo that on my arm so I read it every day and remember what drives my heart, why I think at all, it is all because I was romanced and loved by God.

"And it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see." - Relient K

Forget all other reasons to love anyone else, but God for the moment. He changed himself to meet me, he left his home to meet me, he abandoned his full true identity to appear as a nobody in particular just as I am, he met me where I'm at. I can never say anyone has done that for me before him, or even after him

Feels Like A Lie

This might be a post that reflects not too many deep thoughts and just rambles of a heavy heart. I think that is okay, too. I sit here, injured thumb and wrist, trying to type with a brace on, watching Kim (my friend) drink coffee, take snapchat selfies, and pretend to focus on homework. I'm a step ahead for once, but that's only for five minutes. I am far from ahead in any game compared to others around me. In fact, I feel so off beat, so out of sorts, and off track that I am far behind if I really think about it. My trek has been long, 5th year of college, granted a year and a half was spent not in school, it is still a long road. And at this rate, I'll be here for three years, quite unlike what I wanted. It feels as if my progress of the last few years was meaningless. I could honestly be starting from the beginning and nearly be in the same boat as I am right now. I guess the one thing I got is an associates degree. The others around here only have credits.
I read in the book I recently had to for class that we can get used to any situation. I believe that to be true. Eventually, we get numb to the difference and it isn't so different anymore. It just kind of  "is". Maybe numb isn't the right word, but we definitely let all the resistance subside over time and almost incorporate it into our being. Like I accepted depression, or even my constant strive to not stay angry. When I see something destroying a person I care for, I only want to run from that thing. Bitterness, anger, and hate consume people up like fire to wood. But here this is fire we are talking about, it brings good and bad. Heat, warmth, and light are all good things. It is also capable of so much destruction when it's misused and misplaced.
Do I get used to being so guarded, to being so misdirected in love, to being so neglected by those I try to invest in who I feel are so worth while, to being so overwhelmed by those who shove their feelings onto me? Do I just get used to being numb and becoming a brick wall, to being heartless and never letting anyone in again, to be closed of and alone, to be shut down and so far away from anyone? How do I strive to bring joy into my daily life and attitude again after I lost it? How do I bring light back into my dark days? I don't want to become used to this, to become used to the lonely dark, the lonely cave, the lonely tower.

We're Just Inferior After All

"I wish everyone was loved tonight. And somehow stop this endless fight. Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."
I believe I can freely say that the most amazing feelings in the world is the warmth, joy, happiness, [and whatever it is] that love can give. There is no way to limit what love can bring to our lives. It is heavy, it is beautiful, it is pure, and it is painful. I truly wish there was never a person that experienced a life without love. People from all walks of life and from all different beliefs can agree on this one point: A life without love is meaningless.
The most common topic to write on, sing about, make features on, ache over is love. It is a reoccurring theme to find love, to keep love, to fight for love, and to show love. What does it look like to really experience love? There are different definitions. What I've discovered as that in some ancient languages, they had different words for each different type of love. I think the problem today is that we have cut out these different ways of saying "love" and just jumble it into the phrase "I love you" thinking that it's enough. Unfortunately, since this is a culture of "how I personally perceive things" is the most important view on life itself, it doesn't matter if someone is showing love in a different way than a person wants it. If that person doesn't see it as love (or truly love he/she is wanting), it's just tossed off as worthless, "hate", or heartlessness.
 Can't we just begin to reshape our minds on what love really is? Why does it have to be based of someone always feeling good or happy? Love inspires so many emotions and works of art. Why is it limited then to emotions when it comes between two people? And why is it limited to always doing what someone likes or approves of or making someone feel good about himself/herself? There is passionate love, friend love, family love, long love, empathetic love... To me there is so much yet to be understood about LOVE.
I have yet to feel long lasting love because that is only for those two people who have been married and faithful for so long. I believe that has to be one of the most fulfilling things in life.

I Want To Be Free

It comes and goes
the numbing pain of heartache the stabs begin when I remember
The beginning
And the first promises
everything was new and exciting everything seemed so real and promising
The looks you gave me
the pictures we took
the short time we had
and I've walked away from all of it.

You said I'm all you want but you'd never tell me why
Just that you need me, you love me
but you should have said why
I can't stay when I'm just a desire
if that's the case
I'll go either way because I lost the fire

It comes and goes
the mind torturous memories
the stab wounds have surfaced in the ending in
the last few words
everything hurts to look at everything haunts me, good and bad
The lack of direction
the self hatred
The destructive history
and I have walked away from all of it

You said you didn't need me to be angry
You always said I'm sorry
You never asked me about my story
You think this break is easier on me

I talked you through the fights
I always did the right thing
I had a desire to know your life
I pursued you more than you think

You said you still love me
But you didn't tell me why
Simple words aren't enough for me
You should've told me why.
I can't stay when I don't know
Who I'm loving.
I can't stay when I don't know
Why you want me.  

She Said Hello Mister

The struggle I have with ideologies and expectations is that they tend to get in the way of reality. I can wish for better and recognize potential, but sometimes there is nothing that can make those things come to life. Some dreams involve so many "if only this" and it's too big to confine and make reality. Some hopes are too unrealistic and fairy tale like. Sometimes we just have to accept what we have, what we've been given and learn how to live with it. 

This is not meant as a discouragement to be and do and dream. I just have to remember that sometimes we are confined and limited. Some things just won't happen and we need to be prepared to handle that. 

Where Has The Year Gone?

A customer I’ve known for two years told me to write an essay about my 21st summer. He said it could be about what really happened, what didn’t happen, and what I wish could’ve happened. It made me realize how much I experienced this summer and learned from the choices I made. I realized that there were a few things I never thought I’d do that I did, and things I wish I hadn’t done, and things I regret not doing. I am tired of thinking I will not have a good year and on every December 31st I spend worrying about what mistakes I’ll make the next year. So I fret the new year every time. 

What dreams will I make reality this new year? That’s what I want to think about as I only have 26 days left of this year. What things will I accomplish that I’ve put off? Which worries will I let go of and which regrets will I finally forgive myself for? I want to say I will do every one of these things. Make all my dreams reality. Accomplish all the things I’ve put off. Let go of all my worries. Forgive myself for all my regrets. I don’t want to write an essay about the things I wish I could’ve done. I don’t want there to be that space in my life where I look back and want to change things all the time, or add something because I didn’t live an exciting summer. 

This year has been a really rough year, but I’m stronger and I’m wiser and emotionally independent. I am free yet I let myself be bound down the last few years. Things will be better next year because I will make them so.