From the Outside Looking In

I would tell you how I'm feeling, but it seems as if it is supposed to be hidden. I can't put out what I'm thinking or feeling within. I don't want it to be made known to all, again as if I have an audience here. My insides are squirming, my heart is uncertain, and my mind conflicts with itself. I'm concerned that this feeling won't go away - the feeling that something isn't right.

I'm a problem. I'm a disease. I'm dissonance. I'm not an exciting mystery anymore. I'm routine. I'm not a wonderful surprise. I'm not pursued anymore. I'm not charming or fresh or unknown. I'm familiar. I'm imperfect and argumentative. I'm stubborn and negative. I'm aching within and don't know how to face this. I cannot say a word. I cannot explain. There is no answer, and I'm just in the dark.

Hollowness. Alone. It's just this heat is leaving my body. There is no persistent feeling. I feel so distant and faraway. I'm not sure where I can find love or happiness again. I don't mean that I am so unhappy with my life. Nor do I mean I'm not loved. But in this romance, it seems to be all draining. Losing. My hopes, my heart, my desires, it seems they are put off and being disregarded. It seems like I am not good enough anymore. I'm a routine and a familiarity. I'm not exciting or desirable or wonderful anymore. I'm real. And that isn't so pretty.

I'm not so pretty. The real me. Living with me. Trying to love me. It's too hard, isn't it? Maybe not, but it seems no one wants to pursue the task after a certain point. It boils away. It goes away. And maybe that's for the best, maybe it's better this way. But it hurts. I'm hurting so much within and I don't know anymore if it's hormones, or anxiety, or depression, or my personality disorder, or REAL. 

Ultimately Lonely

This feeling comes about when I don't want to spend the night alone. The feeling starts aching in me when I realize I have no plans. The summer has turned into a bad routine - a bad feeling. It starts in my head, thinking over and over about the fact that I'll be stuck in the house with no one to talk to or see or hangout with. Then, my parents tell me they're going out for the evening, and I'm left with my nieces. There isn't anything wrong with them, they are sweet. But the feeling is loneliness. 

This ache doesn't just go away by me snuggling with my dog, or playing with my nieces, or watching a show. Somehow, when my heart decides it needs company, everything hurts and I want to cry. And I know I keep repeating myself to others that this summer is really frustrating. Honestly, complaining makes me feel bad and I already have an issue with thinking I'm a bother. Which is my other feeling.

I don't want to be this person who needs constant reassurance of someone's care and affections, but because things so easily change, I want to know often if someone is okay with me. Insecurity, maybe. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It isn't like you are really listening. You're not really there. 

Sure, I have close friends. Sure, I have a boyfriend. They're not here. They're far away. Sometimes I doubt they even want to be in my life. I doubt they want to stick around. Sometimes I think if I say the wrong thing, it will all unwind, like it has in the past. I've just been me and people have completely treated me like trash. It isn't that I'm not being treated well. I'm afraid it will all go away soon. 

So, there's my Saturday night. I wonder how much longer I have before I screw up and lose those around me. I sound really depressed. What's interesting is that today I came across a psychoanalysis paper on myself and a personality quiz I took. I wrote this paper back in 2012. It reminded me that I have high anxiety, serious trust issues, and depression. It isn't far fetched to say I get into a depressive state every few months. I can't tell you if this post is my depression talking or just loneliness from only hanging out with family for the last two months. And even that has been scarce. 

I'm restless. My mind keeps eating at every corner. I would say more, but part of me doesn't want to acknowledge some things and make them complete reality. I'm not in denial, I just don't want to voice some thoughts if it could fade, or somehow be found out I even said anything about it. I feel like some people could do more, let go of more, and maybe show more of what I mean to them. And then I tell myself, no Hannah... They pursued you, so obviously that is a sign. Yet I feel like something just isn't quite right. I'm missing something, yeah? I feel like I'm not what they really wanted, now that they see the real me. Maybe I'm paranoid. 

I'm Bigger Than My Body

Let me start out by saying, I don't blog enough anymore. I used to talk about my thoughts and feelings more often when I first started this, holy crap, 5 years ago. I was a freshman when I got my first laptop and started blogging. I think I had planned to type out lots of more, but life always gets in the way. I put off things. 

I think where I'm at right now is wondering how I've let hurt and pain scar me so much. The last 5 years of my college career have made me so guarded and so jaded. Rest assured, it's been more than those 5 years that affected me, but it's been a key part to who I am now. I've faced so much, and I am thankful of where I am. I want to think that it's all been for something, you know? That I haven't been hurt for nothing. And maybe, just maybe I will be restored one day.

So, here it has been several years since my first, real heart break. It seems like a dream, but that was when I thought I was in love with my best friend, and it was unrequited. I've heard it said that unrequited love is the most painful. I believe that to be true. The most severe heart breaks we face when it comes to love is when things are broken off, jagged. There's no such thing as a clean break, and a heart doesn't get torn perfectly in two.

My senior year of college is coming up this fall. I know. I said it's been 5 years since my freshman year, and it has. I never would've imagined finishing this far off course. I never would've imagined that things would be this way. Sometimes, I think back on those so many nights I cried myself to sleep, I was tempted and may have self-harmed, those nights I prayed that God would take me, and those nights that I just wanted someone who understood and would truly be my friend. I am amazed at what I've stood through, and yet I'm also wishing I wouldn't be so jaded. Maybe I wouldn't be so skeptical about people I start to invest in if I hadn't invested in the wrong people. But I'm no psychic and can't tell who is shit and who is not. Honestly, it shouldn't matter. I should pursue the people in my path despite what outcome I could know would happen.

I've recently read back over "diary" entries, on a USB drive, from 2011. I can see how much I've grown, how much I've learned about myself and what I believe and think. I can also see how badly some other things have progressed, and how my past definitely infected how I view everything. It's like I have this cracked lens and I'm shrinking down many times, afraid that someone will just hit it and completely shatter my vision. Darkness. So, I can't trust anything or anyone because I can't see anymore. I don't want that to happen; who does? And I think it also helped me realizes that I've consistently battled depression throughout my college years, at least. I like re-reading what I've said. Reflection and self-growth is really what I'm aiming for than just nostalgia.

But I remember how alone I felt. I remember wondering if I'll ever get past this hurt. I've said that about several things. I remember thinking that no one could possibly, truly be real. One night, in 2009, I remember screaming "IS NO ONE REAL!?" in my room. I have felt utterly alone for years. And I read in this book called the Prodigal God that children who never feel like they belong grow up to be adults who have such a hard time keeping attachments. I can attest to that. It isn't just me that screws stuff up; it's hard for me to want people to stay around because either I idolize them or they are psychotic. Both are extremes, and there are so many that meet in the middle or lean toward one side or another.

Where am I getting? I wrote a list of things I want for myself this year. I wrote it just before the year ended, and I had no idea what I would have in store. Simple wants to deep, real, passionate desires. That's the list. I've shown it to NO ONE. I wanted to have silver hair, and I have. Something so simple, yet it's been a desire of mine for a couple of years now. And there's others that I've wanted for years and years. It's amazing what kind of list someone can come up with when truly thinking about what they want for themselves. I want something deeper, realer, truer, lovely, and lasting. That sounds like relationship related, and it can be. All of it can be.

Renew. Revive. Restore.