Let me start out by saying, I don't blog enough anymore. I used to talk about my thoughts and feelings more often when I first started this, holy crap, 5 years ago. I was a freshman when I got my first laptop and started blogging. I think I had planned to type out lots of more, but life always gets in the way. I put off things.
I think where I'm at right now is wondering how I've let hurt and pain scar me so much. The last 5 years of my college career have made me so guarded and so jaded. Rest assured, it's been more than those 5 years that affected me, but it's been a key part to who I am now. I've faced so much, and I am thankful of where I am. I want to think that it's all been for something, you know? That I haven't been hurt for nothing. And maybe, just maybe I will be restored one day.
So, here it has been several years since my first, real heart break. It seems like a dream, but that was when I thought I was in love with my best friend, and it was unrequited. I've heard it said that unrequited love is the most painful. I believe that to be true. The most severe heart breaks we face when it comes to love is when things are broken off, jagged. There's no such thing as a clean break, and a heart doesn't get torn perfectly in two.
My senior year of college is coming up this fall. I know. I said it's been 5 years since my freshman year, and it has. I never would've imagined finishing this far off course. I never would've imagined that things would be this way. Sometimes, I think back on those so many nights I cried myself to sleep, I was tempted and may have self-harmed, those nights I prayed that God would take me, and those nights that I just wanted someone who understood and would truly be my friend. I am amazed at what I've stood through, and yet I'm also wishing I wouldn't be so jaded. Maybe I wouldn't be so skeptical about people I start to invest in if I hadn't invested in the wrong people. But I'm no psychic and can't tell who is shit and who is not. Honestly, it shouldn't matter. I should pursue the people in my path despite what outcome I could know would happen.
I've recently read back over "diary" entries, on a USB drive, from 2011. I can see how much I've grown, how much I've learned about myself and what I believe and think. I can also see how badly some other things have progressed, and how my past definitely infected how I view everything. It's like I have this cracked lens and I'm shrinking down many times, afraid that someone will just hit it and completely shatter my vision. Darkness. So, I can't trust anything or anyone because I can't see anymore. I don't want that to happen; who does? And I think it also helped me realizes that I've consistently battled depression throughout my college years, at least. I like re-reading what I've said. Reflection and self-growth is really what I'm aiming for than just nostalgia.
But I remember how alone I felt. I remember wondering if I'll ever get past this hurt. I've said that about several things. I remember thinking that no one could possibly, truly be real. One night, in 2009, I remember screaming "IS NO ONE REAL!?" in my room. I have felt utterly alone for years. And I read in this book called the Prodigal God that children who never feel like they belong grow up to be adults who have such a hard time keeping attachments. I can attest to that. It isn't just me that screws stuff up; it's hard for me to want people to stay around because either I idolize them or they are psychotic. Both are extremes, and there are so many that meet in the middle or lean toward one side or another.
Where am I getting? I wrote a list of things I want for myself this year. I wrote it just before the year ended, and I had no idea what I would have in store. Simple wants to deep, real, passionate desires. That's the list. I've shown it to NO ONE. I wanted to have silver hair, and I have. Something so simple, yet it's been a desire of mine for a couple of years now. And there's others that I've wanted for years and years. It's amazing what kind of list someone can come up with when truly thinking about what they want for themselves. I want something deeper, realer, truer, lovely, and lasting. That sounds like relationship related, and it can be. All of it can be.
Renew. Revive. Restore.
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