Ultimately Lonely

This feeling comes about when I don't want to spend the night alone. The feeling starts aching in me when I realize I have no plans. The summer has turned into a bad routine - a bad feeling. It starts in my head, thinking over and over about the fact that I'll be stuck in the house with no one to talk to or see or hangout with. Then, my parents tell me they're going out for the evening, and I'm left with my nieces. There isn't anything wrong with them, they are sweet. But the feeling is loneliness. 

This ache doesn't just go away by me snuggling with my dog, or playing with my nieces, or watching a show. Somehow, when my heart decides it needs company, everything hurts and I want to cry. And I know I keep repeating myself to others that this summer is really frustrating. Honestly, complaining makes me feel bad and I already have an issue with thinking I'm a bother. Which is my other feeling.

I don't want to be this person who needs constant reassurance of someone's care and affections, but because things so easily change, I want to know often if someone is okay with me. Insecurity, maybe. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It isn't like you are really listening. You're not really there. 

Sure, I have close friends. Sure, I have a boyfriend. They're not here. They're far away. Sometimes I doubt they even want to be in my life. I doubt they want to stick around. Sometimes I think if I say the wrong thing, it will all unwind, like it has in the past. I've just been me and people have completely treated me like trash. It isn't that I'm not being treated well. I'm afraid it will all go away soon. 

So, there's my Saturday night. I wonder how much longer I have before I screw up and lose those around me. I sound really depressed. What's interesting is that today I came across a psychoanalysis paper on myself and a personality quiz I took. I wrote this paper back in 2012. It reminded me that I have high anxiety, serious trust issues, and depression. It isn't far fetched to say I get into a depressive state every few months. I can't tell you if this post is my depression talking or just loneliness from only hanging out with family for the last two months. And even that has been scarce. 

I'm restless. My mind keeps eating at every corner. I would say more, but part of me doesn't want to acknowledge some things and make them complete reality. I'm not in denial, I just don't want to voice some thoughts if it could fade, or somehow be found out I even said anything about it. I feel like some people could do more, let go of more, and maybe show more of what I mean to them. And then I tell myself, no Hannah... They pursued you, so obviously that is a sign. Yet I feel like something just isn't quite right. I'm missing something, yeah? I feel like I'm not what they really wanted, now that they see the real me. Maybe I'm paranoid.