When I started writing this post, I had about one full paragraph, but then somehow it was backspaced and deleted. So, I'm starting from scratch again. Honestly, that's sometimes how it looks daily; I am starting over again and again. 2016 has been a very strange year for those of us around me, and I'm not sure what to even begin writing down as hopes for next year. I don't want to stop pursuing the goals and hopes I noted back in December 2015. These are things that make sense, and some are ones that I should never stop doing or pursuing. I want to continue this growth, but I know that where I am at right now is far from where I was when I originally wrote that list. It seems like we often look back on our past self and think, "You silly thing. You knew nothing." But how funny is it that 2015 me said the same thing about 2014 me, and so on and so forth? This changing and reshaping evolution never ends, and damn, I am thankful. The tension of expansion and growth is hurtful and achy, but it is necessary.
This intense season of depression I am emerging from caused a huge part of me to die and get left behind. I read from a Huntington Post article that each time deep depression occurs, a part of us dies: a good part or a bad part. We lose something. I lost much of my normal way of processing and dealing with anything. I used to lead with my feelings and "heart." Because my feelings switched off for a long while, I had to cope with my brain. Using logic, sense, critical examination, and reason to figure out myself, my place, my mental disorder, and how to fight through the lack of energy and lack of emotion was so contrary to my normal function. Now I coming through as a person with less "feeling" tendencies and more "thinking" tendencies. How can depression completely reshape how someone processes life? Is that possible? Or have I been pushed so far over the edge that the only way to progress was to stop feeling and start thinking? I hate limbo and tension, but that is what I live in. How can someone be conscious of something being nonsensical and just being OKAY with that.
What remains on the surface of my thoughts is that my questions and uncertainty will never be satisfied and that the next person will tell me that I just have to "live with it." I don't want to live with it, I'm angry that I let religion and faith dictate my whole life when all it seems to be is a feeling and something I convince my brain that I am experiencing. There is no proof that providence exists, that miracles aren't accidents, and that there is life after death. We see what we want to see. We believe what we want to believe. We create images and ideas and feelings with our brains. How can we trust that all of this we are "processing" or accepting isn't just our brain playing tricks on us? How do I know that my brain isn't screwing with me right now? I have a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance! How can I trust my brain AT ALL? Religion is a feel good, afterlife guarantee dream that people have told stories about from generation to generation so they believe that everything happens for a reason, and so they can feel better about themselves. There are tests done that show people who think more positively are more likely to experience positive things than those who do not, or those who think more logically/realistically.
I don't know what to believe because every angle seems to take nonsensical faith. I want to believe many of the things I was forced to learn as a child - I had no options. Maybe if the people around me taught me in ways that weren't so damaging and forceful and as if there is no other religion that could possibly make sense, maybe I'd be able to say, "Yeah, I accept that I am deciding this is truth and this is real." But no. They taught me to be adamant that I AM RIGHT about which religion is the "only true religion", that the bible is infallible, and that if you don't agree with everything in it, you aren't and can't be a Christian. I've seen people abuse their positions, abuse their loved ones, and fake their way to top leadership, and screw everyone else. I've seem pornography and rape culture be dismissed, women be treated like after thoughts or property or THE PROBLEM, children oppressed and misused, and men never take responsibility.
I am sick of being told I'm vile or wicked or sinful or worthless without a god. I'm sick of being told to love myself while being told to surrender myself and die to myself. These cliches mean nothing coming from the lips of those who are merely restating words they don't even feel or mean. I don't know what to believe. I want to be kind, good, loving, understanding, faithful, hopeful, real.. because that is who I should be, not because Jesus tells me to be or because I'll get into heaven if I believe in Jesus, not because I'll fucking get anything in return. But because THIS is who I should be, without reward of an afterlife. People don't question their faith because they don't want to risk not going to heaven, and that is stupid. I can't just "choose" Jesus because I don't want to risk not going to heaven. I want to be real, I want my love or faith to be because I am convinced of this person being worthy of faith, and trust, not because I gain anything. And don't tell me that is what you're doing, too. No. You're scared of being wrong and dying forever. I've been self-righteous for too long, and I want to walk away from that. I just want answers and experiences, beyond feelings and beyond critical thinking.
This intense season of depression I am emerging from caused a huge part of me to die and get left behind. I read from a Huntington Post article that each time deep depression occurs, a part of us dies: a good part or a bad part. We lose something. I lost much of my normal way of processing and dealing with anything. I used to lead with my feelings and "heart." Because my feelings switched off for a long while, I had to cope with my brain. Using logic, sense, critical examination, and reason to figure out myself, my place, my mental disorder, and how to fight through the lack of energy and lack of emotion was so contrary to my normal function. Now I coming through as a person with less "feeling" tendencies and more "thinking" tendencies. How can depression completely reshape how someone processes life? Is that possible? Or have I been pushed so far over the edge that the only way to progress was to stop feeling and start thinking? I hate limbo and tension, but that is what I live in. How can someone be conscious of something being nonsensical and just being OKAY with that.
What remains on the surface of my thoughts is that my questions and uncertainty will never be satisfied and that the next person will tell me that I just have to "live with it." I don't want to live with it, I'm angry that I let religion and faith dictate my whole life when all it seems to be is a feeling and something I convince my brain that I am experiencing. There is no proof that providence exists, that miracles aren't accidents, and that there is life after death. We see what we want to see. We believe what we want to believe. We create images and ideas and feelings with our brains. How can we trust that all of this we are "processing" or accepting isn't just our brain playing tricks on us? How do I know that my brain isn't screwing with me right now? I have a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance! How can I trust my brain AT ALL? Religion is a feel good, afterlife guarantee dream that people have told stories about from generation to generation so they believe that everything happens for a reason, and so they can feel better about themselves. There are tests done that show people who think more positively are more likely to experience positive things than those who do not, or those who think more logically/realistically.
I don't know what to believe because every angle seems to take nonsensical faith. I want to believe many of the things I was forced to learn as a child - I had no options. Maybe if the people around me taught me in ways that weren't so damaging and forceful and as if there is no other religion that could possibly make sense, maybe I'd be able to say, "Yeah, I accept that I am deciding this is truth and this is real." But no. They taught me to be adamant that I AM RIGHT about which religion is the "only true religion", that the bible is infallible, and that if you don't agree with everything in it, you aren't and can't be a Christian. I've seen people abuse their positions, abuse their loved ones, and fake their way to top leadership, and screw everyone else. I've seem pornography and rape culture be dismissed, women be treated like after thoughts or property or THE PROBLEM, children oppressed and misused, and men never take responsibility.
I am sick of being told I'm vile or wicked or sinful or worthless without a god. I'm sick of being told to love myself while being told to surrender myself and die to myself. These cliches mean nothing coming from the lips of those who are merely restating words they don't even feel or mean. I don't know what to believe. I want to be kind, good, loving, understanding, faithful, hopeful, real.. because that is who I should be, not because Jesus tells me to be or because I'll get into heaven if I believe in Jesus, not because I'll fucking get anything in return. But because THIS is who I should be, without reward of an afterlife. People don't question their faith because they don't want to risk not going to heaven, and that is stupid. I can't just "choose" Jesus because I don't want to risk not going to heaven. I want to be real, I want my love or faith to be because I am convinced of this person being worthy of faith, and trust, not because I gain anything. And don't tell me that is what you're doing, too. No. You're scared of being wrong and dying forever. I've been self-righteous for too long, and I want to walk away from that. I just want answers and experiences, beyond feelings and beyond critical thinking.
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