I've already fixed a few "16's" on dates, but the new year is only a few days in. Sometimes the mistakes I make can be corrected, but their so obviously scribbled over, and there's no way to hide them. I saved my reflection post or blog entry for today, but not today specifically. Most people, when they look at me, will still see the me they believe I am. For those who don't know more of who I am, but think they do, I've left them in the dark for reasons. Don't worry. I won't keep being so vague. Oh, that promise is for this post, not in general. I don't think my preference of ambiguity will truly go away, but I won't say "never" because I didn't think I'd be functioning the way I am at all. I mean that literally. I never imagined I'd be who I am on the inside.
Nostalgia is a problem. Seriously, it doesn't really help me to look back at old photos so often, but at the same time I truly love those memories. I am glad I pushed myself through some of those memories, and I am glad I didn't photograph the shit out of some of them so I could hold them preciously just in my mind and heart. I don't know where I'll be in a month, but when I landed here just a few months ago, it was a slow process that seemed so suddenly just because my depression took away my emotions. Maybe I should just say my mind did it. I know others have been through worse trauma, but the last year and a half were very hard. I won't say that last year was a terrible year because I became a better me. I know that different people I know would say, if they knew where I am at in my head, that I am not a better me. I don't care. The Hannah that exists today, right now, in 2017, is the strongest, bravest, and realest Hannah there's ever been. The other Hannahs didn't make it to this year. I did.
Sometimes I think about my past selves as different people. In reality, they're all different versions of me, but they don't seem like me anymore. One reason I like looking at pictures, or reading old entries, and old poems, is because I want to see who I was. I'd send my voice back in time to other me's and tell them we made it, and we're okay. I am so sorry to past me for being a bully and hurting myself, and not trying to see what potential I had. I won't wish to go back because I don't want to. I'd be tempted to change something, and I know I shouldn't. The parts of me that are dead and gone should just stay that way now. If God exists, he can change that if he cares. But I've been the one to get myself through everything I've faced. I chose my path that led me to others who have helped me.
I didn't write this on my resolutions list for this year, but I know I want to be more real with people. The hardest confession will be that I don't trust God anymore. I believe he exists. Well, I believe a higher being exists, definitely. But I don't trust in the God that I was told I had to. I have a lot of anger and hurt in that area, and I know I need to face it. I want space to face it. I want to be upfront with my family and tell them that their faith isn't for me right now, and that I need to learn this and find God on my own. I don't want preaching at me, I don't want discipleship, and I don't need condemnation. I just need space. I want to breathe and learn things on my own. I've already pursued that before, by studying the bible and discussing it with close friends, and reading books by theologians. It's not like God wasn't working for me and I said, see ya I want benefits. No. God is supposed to send us his spirit, and he went cold, and hid himself from me. If I ever really felt God anyway. I'm tired of being told all these rules and ways to live that are truly preference of my family, but they've engrained it into their brains that it is "of the bible" because it's their prefered translation.
Forgive me. I don't mean to sound hateful and angry at them. I do have hurts there, but I just want freedom from this binding belief system. They say you find freedom in Christ, but I found let down and chains. I have a mental disease partly because of this belief system. I want my own. I don't know what it will look like, but I want the space to decide that. Part of this is also because I just want to dress how I want to dress, I want to date who I date, I want to write what I write, and I want to find a God that actually cares about me, that I don't have to convince myself I'm experiencing. I won't ask for anything huge, but Jesus, if you want me, come to me. That's all I have to say about it.
This change, my thoughts on beliefs and religion and myself, has been gradual and not sudden. But I think it slowly creeped up on me that once it was here, it took me by surprise. But I am free. I am free and I can still be real, and honest, and be love. I will thrive because I am deciding that is who I will become. My determination pushes me forward, and I haven't left myself room to give up. My thoughts change, and I don't let my emotions control everything. I still have depression and I still have anxiety, but I realized that, and it cannot blindside me again.
Nostalgia is a problem. Seriously, it doesn't really help me to look back at old photos so often, but at the same time I truly love those memories. I am glad I pushed myself through some of those memories, and I am glad I didn't photograph the shit out of some of them so I could hold them preciously just in my mind and heart. I don't know where I'll be in a month, but when I landed here just a few months ago, it was a slow process that seemed so suddenly just because my depression took away my emotions. Maybe I should just say my mind did it. I know others have been through worse trauma, but the last year and a half were very hard. I won't say that last year was a terrible year because I became a better me. I know that different people I know would say, if they knew where I am at in my head, that I am not a better me. I don't care. The Hannah that exists today, right now, in 2017, is the strongest, bravest, and realest Hannah there's ever been. The other Hannahs didn't make it to this year. I did.
Sometimes I think about my past selves as different people. In reality, they're all different versions of me, but they don't seem like me anymore. One reason I like looking at pictures, or reading old entries, and old poems, is because I want to see who I was. I'd send my voice back in time to other me's and tell them we made it, and we're okay. I am so sorry to past me for being a bully and hurting myself, and not trying to see what potential I had. I won't wish to go back because I don't want to. I'd be tempted to change something, and I know I shouldn't. The parts of me that are dead and gone should just stay that way now. If God exists, he can change that if he cares. But I've been the one to get myself through everything I've faced. I chose my path that led me to others who have helped me.
I didn't write this on my resolutions list for this year, but I know I want to be more real with people. The hardest confession will be that I don't trust God anymore. I believe he exists. Well, I believe a higher being exists, definitely. But I don't trust in the God that I was told I had to. I have a lot of anger and hurt in that area, and I know I need to face it. I want space to face it. I want to be upfront with my family and tell them that their faith isn't for me right now, and that I need to learn this and find God on my own. I don't want preaching at me, I don't want discipleship, and I don't need condemnation. I just need space. I want to breathe and learn things on my own. I've already pursued that before, by studying the bible and discussing it with close friends, and reading books by theologians. It's not like God wasn't working for me and I said, see ya I want benefits. No. God is supposed to send us his spirit, and he went cold, and hid himself from me. If I ever really felt God anyway. I'm tired of being told all these rules and ways to live that are truly preference of my family, but they've engrained it into their brains that it is "of the bible" because it's their prefered translation.
Forgive me. I don't mean to sound hateful and angry at them. I do have hurts there, but I just want freedom from this binding belief system. They say you find freedom in Christ, but I found let down and chains. I have a mental disease partly because of this belief system. I want my own. I don't know what it will look like, but I want the space to decide that. Part of this is also because I just want to dress how I want to dress, I want to date who I date, I want to write what I write, and I want to find a God that actually cares about me, that I don't have to convince myself I'm experiencing. I won't ask for anything huge, but Jesus, if you want me, come to me. That's all I have to say about it.
This change, my thoughts on beliefs and religion and myself, has been gradual and not sudden. But I think it slowly creeped up on me that once it was here, it took me by surprise. But I am free. I am free and I can still be real, and honest, and be love. I will thrive because I am deciding that is who I will become. My determination pushes me forward, and I haven't left myself room to give up. My thoughts change, and I don't let my emotions control everything. I still have depression and I still have anxiety, but I realized that, and it cannot blindside me again.
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