The last time I felt spark was 3 and a half years ago. There are different loves a person can experience in life, and some people only experience one love. I have felt and held a few. There were loves that ached me so deeply, loves I couldn't touch, and loves I had for a short bit but had to let go of. The strange thing about where my mind has been for so long is that I didn't realize I wasn't fully feeling good things anymore. Because I have grown accustomed to this now, I assume I don't have that feeling or cannot due to depression. I thought that, in the back of my mind, maybe I never would experience butterflies or crazy things. I would feel afraid about that, but I cannot feel much.
I couldn't, until last night that is.
When it comes to describing happiness, I am terrible. I will try my best because he deserves that. The different people I've met and dated, either casually or more "seriously," tend to not be in the same place I am in life. Many times I forced intimacy because I hoped that it would somehow just make that relationship work. Through this experience of being numb, sometimes something would turn me on for a little while but immediately just disinterest me. My brain wouldn't being disgusted but it wouldn't be turned on or engaged thoroughly. I cannot remember the last time my brain and heart clicked, especially since the long season of depression has cast this dark shadow on how I see things.
At first, there was nervous chatter and small talk. The reason wasn't because I didn't know what to talk about, but because I was actually nervous. When I first saw him, my heart wasn't pounding and I experienced nothing intense. I wouldn't expect myself to experience that because of where my mind has been, but I definitely could SENSE something. The way he talks to me is what I enjoy the most. He says he is simple and chill, and I agree, but not for the reason he would probably state. He's simple in the sense that he seeks to simplify things and keep things down to earth. He's chill because he's relaxed, a homebody, and can enjoy his own company. But he has more depth than just being chill and down to earth.
Other people have listened to what I think and they don't know how to respond, can't relate, feel intimidated, and pull away. Our conversation went into more personal depths, and I was forthcoming about where my mind has been the last few months. He didn't just stay quiet, but provided some feedback, understanding, or agreement. When I was confessing my stupid fear of my parents not loving me anymore once they know I have stepped away from their fait,. he asked me more questions about my relationship with them. Then he told me he truly believed my parents would love me no matter what. Instead of telling me, screw what your parents think, or you have to be your own person and they have to get over it, he was kind and encouraging.
Today is his birthday and I was able to be the first to wish him a happy birthday. He drove 2.5 hours just to see me for 6 hours. No person has ever done that before. A five hour drive, there and back, to see me for just a little longer than he was in his car. I'd do that for someone. I have done that for someone. But he's the first to do that for me. I want to show that kind of consideration, care, and thoughtfulness toward him, I couldn't help but just look at him, and study his features and face. I want to keep making him smile because his dimples give me flutters in my stomach. He even said, my face hurts from smiling so much. I tried to tell him that if he was a fruit, he'd be a fine-apple, but I botched it. We laughed. When I would look at him, he told me it made him nervous and feel things, and it was like I was gazing into his soul. I said I probably was.
When I hugged him at the end of our date, I noticed he's the perfect height for me to rest my head on his chest. I had the thought in my mind, when I had just looked at him while we sat in my car talking, that I just wanted him to kiss me, but I shook that thought. But there I stood hugging him until he pulled back. So, I looked up at him. Before I could think "What's happening" he kissed me, ever so softly. He continued to kiss me, but instead of making them deep kisses, he would part my lips with his and give a gentle kiss, pull back, and repeat. He broke the kiss to say, is that what you were waiting for? My face just felt heat, and I said, yes, and smiled. He began to kiss me again, the same sweet, tender kisses, while we both smiled. Suddenly, I felt this chill run from my back, up to my neck, and into my lips.
I got to my room, and I started laughing, then crying, and crying hard. My heart felt happiness, and my heart felt joy. I finally felt happiness, and it was intense. It wasn't a sliver, it wasn't a taste, but it was pure and it was real. It is real. I shutter over replaying last night in my head. I felt spark. My experience of the happiness emotion was the most overwhelming thing I've experienced since my depression took me by surprise.
I couldn't, until last night that is.
When it comes to describing happiness, I am terrible. I will try my best because he deserves that. The different people I've met and dated, either casually or more "seriously," tend to not be in the same place I am in life. Many times I forced intimacy because I hoped that it would somehow just make that relationship work. Through this experience of being numb, sometimes something would turn me on for a little while but immediately just disinterest me. My brain wouldn't being disgusted but it wouldn't be turned on or engaged thoroughly. I cannot remember the last time my brain and heart clicked, especially since the long season of depression has cast this dark shadow on how I see things.
At first, there was nervous chatter and small talk. The reason wasn't because I didn't know what to talk about, but because I was actually nervous. When I first saw him, my heart wasn't pounding and I experienced nothing intense. I wouldn't expect myself to experience that because of where my mind has been, but I definitely could SENSE something. The way he talks to me is what I enjoy the most. He says he is simple and chill, and I agree, but not for the reason he would probably state. He's simple in the sense that he seeks to simplify things and keep things down to earth. He's chill because he's relaxed, a homebody, and can enjoy his own company. But he has more depth than just being chill and down to earth.
Other people have listened to what I think and they don't know how to respond, can't relate, feel intimidated, and pull away. Our conversation went into more personal depths, and I was forthcoming about where my mind has been the last few months. He didn't just stay quiet, but provided some feedback, understanding, or agreement. When I was confessing my stupid fear of my parents not loving me anymore once they know I have stepped away from their fait,. he asked me more questions about my relationship with them. Then he told me he truly believed my parents would love me no matter what. Instead of telling me, screw what your parents think, or you have to be your own person and they have to get over it, he was kind and encouraging.
Today is his birthday and I was able to be the first to wish him a happy birthday. He drove 2.5 hours just to see me for 6 hours. No person has ever done that before. A five hour drive, there and back, to see me for just a little longer than he was in his car. I'd do that for someone. I have done that for someone. But he's the first to do that for me. I want to show that kind of consideration, care, and thoughtfulness toward him, I couldn't help but just look at him, and study his features and face. I want to keep making him smile because his dimples give me flutters in my stomach. He even said, my face hurts from smiling so much. I tried to tell him that if he was a fruit, he'd be a fine-apple, but I botched it. We laughed. When I would look at him, he told me it made him nervous and feel things, and it was like I was gazing into his soul. I said I probably was.
When I hugged him at the end of our date, I noticed he's the perfect height for me to rest my head on his chest. I had the thought in my mind, when I had just looked at him while we sat in my car talking, that I just wanted him to kiss me, but I shook that thought. But there I stood hugging him until he pulled back. So, I looked up at him. Before I could think "What's happening" he kissed me, ever so softly. He continued to kiss me, but instead of making them deep kisses, he would part my lips with his and give a gentle kiss, pull back, and repeat. He broke the kiss to say, is that what you were waiting for? My face just felt heat, and I said, yes, and smiled. He began to kiss me again, the same sweet, tender kisses, while we both smiled. Suddenly, I felt this chill run from my back, up to my neck, and into my lips.
I got to my room, and I started laughing, then crying, and crying hard. My heart felt happiness, and my heart felt joy. I finally felt happiness, and it was intense. It wasn't a sliver, it wasn't a taste, but it was pure and it was real. It is real. I shutter over replaying last night in my head. I felt spark. My experience of the happiness emotion was the most overwhelming thing I've experienced since my depression took me by surprise.
No comments:
Post a Comment