Thursday, January 12, 2017

Every Fire Starts with a Spark

Before I get started on the homework I need to, I want to lay out my thoughts and feelings right now. I know that I've been posting a lot on here lately. I cannot predict my own behavior, or even explain what is drawing me to document my thoughts. I want to remember how I feel because I don't know how long it will last, and I also know it is the most pure thing I've experienced in so very long.

Right now, I'm in a small town that's so trusting, homey, and welcoming that there are bikes parked right outside the coffee shop I'm in that aren't even chained up to anything. The owners are probably positioned somewhere in the shop so they can keep their eye on the bikes, but there is nothing truly protecting the bikes from possible thievery. The reality strikes me as weird. But isn't that what my heart should be like? I should set it out there, in the open and unlocked, trusting that no one will steal it and that the true owner will retrieve it when it's time. That may be a shaky metaphor, but it did come to mind. You're welcome.

I also realize that I am taking up the table that is set for four people, while there are couples at tables for one or two. I like my space I suppose. But please Hannah, just remember what it is like in this moment that I am living. I'm listening to "discover" from Spotify, I've been editing photos, and sipping on a mocha for the past two hours or so. Inside of my chest, I can feel it's light state. Through my first experience of pure happiness in years to the heuristic yoga, I am at ease.

The most strange thing I just thought about as that through the years that I've always felt my emotions and experiences so intensely, one of the most incredible feelings I've had has been in the midst of my state of numbness. Isn't that life though? My reaction to the wonderful kiss and electric pulse through my spine into my heart was to thank Jesus. I don't know if that was because it was habit for me or because I truly believe he had a hand in that happening to me. I'm open to that, truly.

Yesterday in my Organizational Behavior class, we did an exercise that taught us there are so many ways to accomplish the same goal. When we realized we could stretch our boundaries and push our ideas, we were faster and more efficient to get to our end goal. What if my beliefs need to be evaluated this same way? The end goal or core belief is have a friendship with Jesus and accept his authority as savior. What if that end goal doesn't include the way I was taught this? I don't have to sing worship songs because I was raised churches that did. I don't have to read my bible daily just because my parents told me I should. I don't have to dress a certain way or not dress a certain way because my mom said I had to. What if I just look for the most efficient way for me to get to the end result, and that's how I live my life?  If there are many ways to do the same job, and a faster way equals the same worth as a slower way, why does it matter if I follow or don't follow someone else's construction of how to get close to Jesus? I should be able to live with the end result that I come to, not them.

I might finally be getting somewhere.


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