Who Am I To Say...?

What does it mean to be unburdened? Is it a sign of freedom? Is a soul burdened only by itself? Or is it by the godless behavior of the body it possesses? Is it a fair question to ever ask for the end of one's life? Or to even dare take it away? It is weakness of heart and faith to let a burden ever take the joy of living.

But how does a person let go of it all; the worry, the burden, and the hurt? Pride tell shim to figure it out alone; Weakness tells her she is no good, useless for losing control. Life has a way of breaking character apart. But does breaking apart - mind and spirit - make on stronger?  Does it really?

We pump our fists in the air at the sky. Continually asking questions..."God, why?" The end of our rope is only a few threads: how can that be safe? If there is no one to save us, why hold on so tight? Rocks are inevitably at the bottom. We endeavor to escape on our own, perhaps. But who is holding the rope? And who is pulling on the other end? We focus so much on holding on, but not that someone is holding onto US. The rope is not made by my hands, as the fish didn't create the hook. But if it is stuck to my flesh, IT will never let me go.

"There is no God," some say. But two words - close and close - are spelled the same, but have two very different meanings. I tell you, we are not alone.

There is one who holds my rope.

Art of War by Anberlin

Have you ever had a dream that felt SO life like, so real, that when you wake up, you are furious that it wasn't real... that it never happened? But your heart feels so different now. It pounds to the anxious beat like it used to. It questions the dream and the mind that created it: why did it conjure up old memories or old wishes? And this song really connects me to the dream and the person who was in it. It was like this song was written for that moment (of course it wasn't). But it caused me to start crying, not profusely, but just enough. 


I believe dreams to be reflections of fears, memories, and hopes.

Rain Makes Everything Better

Yes. It's been a long time. I know. I have been rather sidetracked the past few weeks. Too sidetracked to write or update or really to even focus on things outside of my normal routine. But tomorrow I have an essay do. Nothing fancy. Up to 3 pages about one of the 3 short stories recently discussed in my English class. This past week and weekend I have felt very out of spirits, weak, sore, and tired. I have no motivation and I guess this is my last resort. To rant about something to bring this brain into some sort of proper function. It seems too much to ask. I'm burning up, sweating. Then, I have to pull a thick jacket on, and sweatpants just to keep from shivering. I must be ill. And now my dog is whining extremely loud about the dumb ass cat that won't go AWAY from my door. She smells him. It drives her insane. "ARY! BE QUIET!" She laid down, discontent that I did not let her venture out to see what the cat was doing. *focus focus focus* my brain says.
I put on www.rainymood.com and am listening to instrumental music on www.youtube.com. This should relax me into thinking clearly. Let's give this a shot. I have more than this as homework for the class, but I DO have til 6 tomorrow to get this done. It IS only the rough draft, but if it is GOOD, I can just turn it in, no sweat over the break. YAY. Spring break starts Friday for my sister and I. But I do have projects to work on for that that are due in March and April. BOO HOO.
Alright. Let's getter done.

Short for the Better

I know that saying “God understands” is cliché. It’s true, but it doesn’t always feel like the most comforting thing. It’s hard to believe in someone you don’t see with your eyes and you don’t hear with your own ears, or don’t touch. And sometimes it feels better to be angry, to be in pain, because it’s safe. I say this because this is how I am. That is why I won’t blatantly say “I’m praying for you” because I don’t want to push the idea that I do not have struggles and problems. I do completely.

There's No After You

I just have a poem that I wrote 12/31/11 for you today. I don't feel like ranting.

A nudge on my shoulder.
Warm breaths on my neck.
Onto my side, I turn over.
A soft touch felt on my head.
You push my hair back,
As I open my eyes.
Lips, nose, cheek,
Pleasantly leaving a trail of kisses.
A warm aroma fills my senses,
Gently pulling you in,
Clinging closely to your chest.

The day before,
Unforgettable.
The day after,
Undeniable.
Curled up toes,
Fitted like spoons,
Quilted up to noses,
Not leaving soon.
Forget everything before,
Or everything after.
Deep understanding, we confide,
A great love affair to last forever
There's no after you, Bright Eyes.

There Is No One Left To Blame

I always seem to have a theme for each new year, in some shape or form. Last year, in my poems, I had "cords " tied to "hearts" often intertwined somehow. And the my saying was "Love is Unstoppable" or "Love is a Lifestyle". That was more later in the year, the latter one. My tattoo was even supposed to reflect off of those ideas. A heart, still very much alive, with flowers, is hung on a dying tree. It nearly represents that there is a beginning after the ending. And love never stops.

This year, I just decided on my new one. It is "A work in progress" because we call always stand to change. I still have so much to learn, so much to see, so much to do. There is NO way I am perfect. I have so far to go, still. I am excited to see what happens this year, and anxious. I won't lie about that. I am thinking about getting a tattoo to reflect this new "motto". So, maybe, every year I have a new, good motto, I will create a new tatt. I have been thinking about one already that will represent "Love is a Lifestyle". It looks pretty gnarly.

I used to have a "Band" for every month, too. Like, it was the band of the month, and that was basically all I listened to. I should do that some year. Listen to a different band every week, and only listen to that band . No other music. That'd be interesting. Just an experiment. I could do that for a month. We'll see. That could get annoying fast.

I don't have any rants for today. I am still frustrated about some things going on in my life, but half of them are working out. Most of the time, I am just so anxious, and I just need to sit down and take a breather. Or actually eat something. Stress ruins my life. Runs my life. It's really bad sometimes, but after I just knocked a few things out of my life, I have been much more calm and cool, and even, my hormones have calmed down. So that has been SO nice.

I'm out.

Sorry About My Rant, I'm Just Hurt

Usually, Christmas break would've been something to look forward to and enjoy. Mine was not so good. I have come to the conclusion that I no longer can stand being in certain peoples company anymore, and I also learned that promises are shallow. Someone who continually breaks trust, is dishonest, rude, and treats you like the lowest piece of shit there is... IS NOT, for goodness sake, is NOT YOUR FRIEND. 

I FINALLY decided that I will not stand for this treatment anymore. It is the stupidest thing I have ever done, to put up with selfish and self-absorbed "friends" for so long, forgiving and just letting it go. I am DONE. SO SO SO DONE. It is NOT worth it to me anymore. 

Dear you, YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE. 

I cannot take this stress, this hurt, this frustration, this anger, and this pain anymore. I can't. No no no. I WILL NOT. I HAVE been taking this. I have been taking this bullshit for YEARS, and you know what? I FINALLY think I am learning the lesson. After being burned, and torn apart time and time again by these people, I FINALLY am just saying TO HELL WITH THIS and forgetting about it. I know I have said to hold on to people, but I have also told you what a true friend is, I believe. And I really am a gem at finding the most shallow and low friends of all, and putting them first, and investing in them over people that would be beneficial to ME. 

"A real friend sticks closer than a brother." 

I cannot believe what someone is willing to put someone else through! HELL, I cannot believe what I have put up with, and then seeing how it effects me SO negatively. It makes me such a depressed, negative, distraught person. It has eaten me ALIVE for years! Wasted and wasted time on people who tear me down to make themselves feel better. They mistreat me for who knows what kind of satisfaction. I do NOT care to understand. I am done, and walking away, and just sick and tired of it all. I won't listen to any of those "Don't let a friendship die" talks. I don't give a damn. They would let me die. They have been making me miserable for years, and they never hesitated. "Oh, I'm sorry" BULLSHIT. When did "sorry" mean, I feel bad because you confronted me and figured out what I was doing, but I will just do it again because I don't care that I hurt you...? WHEN!? Please, someone, anyone, EXPLAIN this to me? 

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.