Now We're Too Far Gone

When have I gone too far? When is enough, enough? When is crossing the line going to destroy me? I wonder at this phenomenon. I would rather hurt someone, cause them pain or frustration than to give into love, and give into the unknown. It does have to do with fear. Fear blinds me. I think I have to be in control, I think I have to known where to place my feet, I think I have to have it figured out, I cannot just do. It is nonsensical, it is problematic, but sometimes thinking things through too much will only take up the time I could be spending to DO. 

I sit here, pondering, is it worth it? But I do not take a chance, I do not take the dare, but even in the game, I refuse to tell the truth as well. I am the coward, I am the fraud, I am the one hiding behind a facade. I withdraw, I hold back, I put up defenses, I stagger, I fall, I beat down, and I surround myself with a brick wall. I want to seem invincible, I want to seem untouchable, I want to seem unreachable, and I turn cold.  

But in the end, I am alone. I push and push, 'til I have finally caused who I love to hate me. I demean, I disrespect, I hide behind the seams, and I lose everything. I seem to be forgetting what this life is about. I forget that my strength is just a security blanket, conceals my real reflection. I am weak. I am salt. I am a grain of sand. I am nothing. I self-destruct on the inside, but turn stone cold on the outside.  

 Is it okay to fall apart? Is it okay to not be strong? Is it okay to let everyone see I do not have anything together, that I am a hopeless mess, that I am weak, I am defeated, I am angry, and I am a pushover? No one wants to be on the back burner, but is spite the answer? After all I have learned, after how I've been treated, shouldn't I know better? Shouldn't I want to LIVE better? Shouldn't I want to prove that I am invincible by living, enjoying, learning, and breathing? 

I want to learn to be different than this. I want to live optimistically. I want to smile for no reason other than the fact I am breathing and living a new day. I want to be strong. I want to be warm. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be open. I want to be free. I want to be free to fall apart in your arms and not have to worry if you will leave. I want to close the door to old pain and hurt. I want to let go of the past. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to pursue happiness.