These Photographs, They Haunt Me...

It's funny what you find out about yourself. You think you've got yourself covered, you know all there is, but then suddenly an event arises and you are staring in the mirror, in shock, wondering "How the hell did I miss that? Who am I even looking at anymore?" It seems that no matter what, pain brings out who we really are. It's almost like the Joker says in the movie when he tells the jail guard that he knows his friends better than he ever had. People in their last moments reveal what they are really like. And it seems that that is VERY true. Not necessarily in "the last moments" but pertaining to the idea of hurt and pain. How you deal with it shows how you really deal with everything. 

And pain doesn't just pass with time, and you recover. You have to WANT to heal. I find that many times, I would rather bury it inside, cry myself to sleep with no one around than to let it go. It never makes sense to choose pain over happiness, or anger over love. But sometimes, you can't take more than what you already have. Sometimes love is too overwhelming. Pain can be as well, only if you are not in constant turmoil with yourself as it is. I do not like to share what pains me. I share what frustrates me;  I vent. But I tend to shy away and lock up when it comes to what really goes on in my head and in my heart. I have never found someone who can understand. 

It's hard to find someone who can relate to you in the ways you need. Not just in interests and activities: There's so much more! For me, there is so much more to me than just what I do. I think so much. I feel so deeply. And to have that all uncovered, to unmask me, I'd feel naked and lost. I do not want to be discovered, or figured out. I don't want to be special, or happy because of SOMEONE else's pressure or influence. There are people out there who will only be around just to get a grasp on understanding you, learning what they need to know, and then POOF! They never come back. 

It's a vicious cycle - this life. You may be unstable, you may be secure. Where you stand may be uncertain and everything you lean upon may be pulled away. The people you trust may keep you safe, or tear you down. But time won't ever stop, the earth won't stop spinning, life will just go on. I am searching for that one person who makes me feel safe, who pulls close, who is certain, secure, stable, who doesn't make me feel alone, who understands my feelings, my thoughts, and won't let go.