"I think, therefore I am."
The only way I know I am going to move forward is because I keep deciding to do so. There have been several occurrences this week that have completely bogged me down and caused my heart to seep low into my chest. My spirit is still heavy, sorting through the mess I don't want to fall into. I have been so insistent on ignoring the doubts that scream "failure is all that will come." In the midst of this uncertainty, I have found certainty in unexpected things. What's amazing is that when something seemingly serendipitous occurs, I'm not just crediting a God for a "miracle." I'm crediting the humans around me for providing help, and myself for pushing the boundaries and humbling myself.
Even though I know this school as a whole isn't the best place for the person I am in my beliefs and thoughts, there are individual people here who, without their influence or presence in my life, I would be aching to get through this time. My indifference to people here has shifted and I do care again, and I am glad that some of those feelings and emotional responses have returned. These last two years of school have been fucking exhausting and painful, but I didn't suffer completely alone. Depression is a lonely battle, but I did find my people here, and I have found safety amidst judgmental and small minded people. I think that once I started realizing I'm in control of creating my own positive mindset, my own happiness, and my own success, I've started dealing with life better and dealing with hardship better. I had my first meltdown in months yesterday, but it actually made sense to have it occur, so I let myself cry it out. I lost my financial help as far as I know. So, I went to the business office and financial aid office at school and was able to get more money from the government. I had to humble myself and beg. I wouldn't have been able to get more aid if my help hadn't fallen through. And honestly, that means that if I get help in the end, it will be lesser amount needed now.
Well, I have to get back to working on homework and projects. I know that no one but me really reads this, but I want to be faithful to the Hannah that started this blog. I can't believe I started it almost 6 years ago. We've come a long, long way.
The only way I know I am going to move forward is because I keep deciding to do so. There have been several occurrences this week that have completely bogged me down and caused my heart to seep low into my chest. My spirit is still heavy, sorting through the mess I don't want to fall into. I have been so insistent on ignoring the doubts that scream "failure is all that will come." In the midst of this uncertainty, I have found certainty in unexpected things. What's amazing is that when something seemingly serendipitous occurs, I'm not just crediting a God for a "miracle." I'm crediting the humans around me for providing help, and myself for pushing the boundaries and humbling myself.
Even though I know this school as a whole isn't the best place for the person I am in my beliefs and thoughts, there are individual people here who, without their influence or presence in my life, I would be aching to get through this time. My indifference to people here has shifted and I do care again, and I am glad that some of those feelings and emotional responses have returned. These last two years of school have been fucking exhausting and painful, but I didn't suffer completely alone. Depression is a lonely battle, but I did find my people here, and I have found safety amidst judgmental and small minded people. I think that once I started realizing I'm in control of creating my own positive mindset, my own happiness, and my own success, I've started dealing with life better and dealing with hardship better. I had my first meltdown in months yesterday, but it actually made sense to have it occur, so I let myself cry it out. I lost my financial help as far as I know. So, I went to the business office and financial aid office at school and was able to get more money from the government. I had to humble myself and beg. I wouldn't have been able to get more aid if my help hadn't fallen through. And honestly, that means that if I get help in the end, it will be lesser amount needed now.
Well, I have to get back to working on homework and projects. I know that no one but me really reads this, but I want to be faithful to the Hannah that started this blog. I can't believe I started it almost 6 years ago. We've come a long, long way.
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