The feeling that we had a deeper connection was weak when I sat across from my cousin and told her I don't believe in God anymore. After I vented out some of my thoughts, I realized I didn't intend to tell her them at all. Her responses weren't critical, accusatory, or much opposition. She asked if I wanted feedback, argument, or her thoughts. I realized what I had done and what I had said. Is authenticity so important that I had to cut that connection? Christians believe "unbelievers" cannot love deeply, and that is a lie. I love much more deeply than I ever have as I've taken steps back from what I once called "faith." If only differences weren't viewed so negatively... "I wish you could just be a Christian and be happy," She said to me. My mind isn't wanting to just be happy.
There is a deep experience of "God" that religious people have. I'm not the only one who noticed when mine was completely gone. The author of "Finding God in the Waves" acknowledged the difference for him. He explained this experience being like drugs but without the crash. He's right. A spiritual high seems so real - it makes God seem so real. When our minds are disengaged to the noise, that's when people experience "God." People saw more ghosts when there was less technology, less distractions. So, when we put aside our tech and our food or whatever, and focus on meditation and prayer and a simple text, then of course we will have to experience something. Our minds play tricks on us when they aren't engaged enough. Our minds will make us think there is something in the corner of our room when lights from outside flicker against the trees and the trees' shadows come into the bedroom. We aren't thinking logically though. We're so focused on that darker shadow in the darkness. If we wake up with sleep paralysis, then all of a sudden those dark shadows become an evil presence when there is no evil there.
Is happiness just doing and being what makes others comfortable? Is the point of my life to make others be satisfied that I am living as they want or doing what they want? I cannot just go back and make Christianity make sense to me. Once I've seen something, my eyes can't unsee it. Once I've discovered a question and haven't found an answer that makes sense, I can't forget it. My cousin wants me to be happy being what she thinks I should be. Christianity hurt me deeply. Being raised with Baptist doctrine and bible thumping parents who demand that the bible is inerrant has hurt me. I don't think I should have to clarify that I love my parents, but in case I need to, I love my parents. But they are just as blind as "liberals." I'm talked at just as much as I talk at them, if not more. I'm told to respect a position held by a disrespectful man, yet in that same breath they are disrespectful to a man who had held that same position. So, I should not speak ill of someone they voted for because that's wrong and disrespectful, but they can speak ill of someone they didn't vote for and that's fine. I don't mean to sound hateful. I'm hurting. I'm hurting over the hypocrisy, the blindness, the box, the conformity, the dogmacy... I'm hurting that my father is a better dad than my parents' creator of the universe. I'm hurt deeply because my father has failed my mom in ways, and he has failed me, yet he appears to be better than a "perfect" God. Though I am hurting over what my parents have taught me that has caused me to be so fucked up in the head, I am hurting more that I am disconnected from my family from now on.
It's not easy to be where I'm at. Did my morals and love simply vanish? No. I am me to the core. My love of philosophy and wanting to understand the world is still there. My love of people and wanting to be authentic is still there. I just don't care about our belief differences, our lifestyle differences, and our love differences. Be kind and be love. Tough love is such a joke. If love is kind, why has God been so unkind? Why does he get the excuse of being able to say "yes, no, maybe" to every prayer? And honestly, I could be more careful about typing all these thoughts out because someone could come across them and publish it for the world to see. Part of me doesn't care. I know that it could cause a deep rift. I know I still have suppressed feelings and can't fully feel things that maybe I should. But God is gone. My family believes in a being that is either indifferent, a sociopath, or not real. I don't know what is real anymore. I'm not really sure of too much. I just know what I can't be, and what doesn't make sense to me anymore
There is a deep experience of "God" that religious people have. I'm not the only one who noticed when mine was completely gone. The author of "Finding God in the Waves" acknowledged the difference for him. He explained this experience being like drugs but without the crash. He's right. A spiritual high seems so real - it makes God seem so real. When our minds are disengaged to the noise, that's when people experience "God." People saw more ghosts when there was less technology, less distractions. So, when we put aside our tech and our food or whatever, and focus on meditation and prayer and a simple text, then of course we will have to experience something. Our minds play tricks on us when they aren't engaged enough. Our minds will make us think there is something in the corner of our room when lights from outside flicker against the trees and the trees' shadows come into the bedroom. We aren't thinking logically though. We're so focused on that darker shadow in the darkness. If we wake up with sleep paralysis, then all of a sudden those dark shadows become an evil presence when there is no evil there.
Is happiness just doing and being what makes others comfortable? Is the point of my life to make others be satisfied that I am living as they want or doing what they want? I cannot just go back and make Christianity make sense to me. Once I've seen something, my eyes can't unsee it. Once I've discovered a question and haven't found an answer that makes sense, I can't forget it. My cousin wants me to be happy being what she thinks I should be. Christianity hurt me deeply. Being raised with Baptist doctrine and bible thumping parents who demand that the bible is inerrant has hurt me. I don't think I should have to clarify that I love my parents, but in case I need to, I love my parents. But they are just as blind as "liberals." I'm talked at just as much as I talk at them, if not more. I'm told to respect a position held by a disrespectful man, yet in that same breath they are disrespectful to a man who had held that same position. So, I should not speak ill of someone they voted for because that's wrong and disrespectful, but they can speak ill of someone they didn't vote for and that's fine. I don't mean to sound hateful. I'm hurting. I'm hurting over the hypocrisy, the blindness, the box, the conformity, the dogmacy... I'm hurting that my father is a better dad than my parents' creator of the universe. I'm hurt deeply because my father has failed my mom in ways, and he has failed me, yet he appears to be better than a "perfect" God. Though I am hurting over what my parents have taught me that has caused me to be so fucked up in the head, I am hurting more that I am disconnected from my family from now on.
It's not easy to be where I'm at. Did my morals and love simply vanish? No. I am me to the core. My love of philosophy and wanting to understand the world is still there. My love of people and wanting to be authentic is still there. I just don't care about our belief differences, our lifestyle differences, and our love differences. Be kind and be love. Tough love is such a joke. If love is kind, why has God been so unkind? Why does he get the excuse of being able to say "yes, no, maybe" to every prayer? And honestly, I could be more careful about typing all these thoughts out because someone could come across them and publish it for the world to see. Part of me doesn't care. I know that it could cause a deep rift. I know I still have suppressed feelings and can't fully feel things that maybe I should. But God is gone. My family believes in a being that is either indifferent, a sociopath, or not real. I don't know what is real anymore. I'm not really sure of too much. I just know what I can't be, and what doesn't make sense to me anymore
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