I could lie down right now and be fine to go to sleep. Daylight Savings is an interesting concept. However, just yesterday at this time, it was 9:30, and I was doing yoga. I guess this time yesterday I was tired already, and I really could afford to be doing a yoga session right now, but my brain just wants to vegetate. I finally completed my extensive content analysis on How I Met Your Mother season two. After watching that one season over and over again, I wanted to watch the other seasons. Though I skipped season one, I've continued to watch through the others. It's like I know the characters deeply now after studying them in season two. Okay, I promise I didn't come here to just talk about my project when I finally finished and turned it in.
There is something so interesting about where I'm at right now. I've been on spring break the last week and still am out of class until this Friday. I spent the break finishing a project, the one I mentioned, and have met up with various people. I also went to see Bad Suns and From Indian Lakes in concert. That was pretty great. Like in my previous post, I have had several conversations with Erica in depth about where I'm at. I guess I've publicly posted here exactly what I think and feel about a lot. However, I've realized, after intense conversations with different people, that I am trying to separate republicanism and patriotism from christianity. I know I should probably discuss exactly what I mean, and I promise I will. Just not tonight.
Tonight, I want to admit that I am growing and my certainty that I don't believe in God anymore has turned to uncertainty once again. I don't know if I don't believe in God. I don't know if I don't trust him. I know that I don't trust the God I was taught about, I don't believe in the rules that have been laid down in front of me, I don't believe the cultural customs of the Bible times translate over into now, and I'm sure I could go on with what I don't believe. Life is so much more in gray when it comes to how to live than most people think. There are so many ways to interpret everything. It was so refreshing to just pour my heart out to someone who is much older than me, experienced more life than me, and is honestly more charismatic than I am (and definitely more than my parents). Though I am a skeptic about spiritual experiences, I don't believe my friend April is lying to me about what she believes she's encountered. Physical ailments being healed by her God communicating through another person to her about it, when that person had no idea she was injured... That's cooler and more believable than when my friend Jackie said he's spoken to her. More people could attest to April's injury than anyone could say Jackie's experience was real. She was completely alone.
Yes, I am still a skeptic. No, I don't have any connectivity in my heart or spirit that I used to think I had. But April did encourage me to research and look into depression medication. She believed that if she ever had a spell again, she would definitely get on anti-depressants. So, this last week would've been an opportune time to get checked and assessed, but honestly I've been working so hard to meet up with friends I could, and also finish this project. I do want to heal and function better. I am open to finding God. I just really, really hope he isn't the one strictly coming from the bible, as a literal interpretation. It's funny how the christians in my parents circle might say people exclude parts of the bible for their convenience, but they do the exact same thing. Why don't women wear coverings over their head at church? Why don't they use real wine for "passover?" How come women stand up and speak anything in front of the church? Why are christians still obsessed with circumcising their sons? Why do any women ever wear jewelry or fancy hairdos? Why is anyone getting married when, according to Paul, it's better to be single? You know, there is actually a verse in the bible that encourages couples to get married if they can't keep it in their pants.
No wonder a ridiculous amount of students from my school getting married at 19. They've done everything but have sex, and don't want to "lose their virginity" before marriage, so they get married way too soon. And then they realize, wow we only married so we could "lawfully" have sex, but they actually hate each other and probably are terrible at sex. (hahahah okay that isn't relevant but you get my point). They pick and choose which customs to keep and which to disregard, and of course then they tie it into their freakin' politic beliefs. Well, the only way you can be a real christian is if you are supporting this political party, and are obsessed with America being "the shiny city on a hill." Check me out of this asylum. I don't belong here. Sure. I am grateful I don't live somewhere else in poverty, but the obsession with America being this new Israel/Jerusalem is freaky. Why else are we so obsessed with taking care of Israel? Do we deep down think God will give us credit for helping them? Do we think we then transfer the label of God's people from them to us because we've paid our dues? Why are we still so focused on do's and don'ts while pretending we aren't legalistic like the people who won't let their daughters wear jeans or listen to rock-n-roll?
I need to quit while I'm ahead. I said I would explain what I meant later, but I guess I've revealed some of my processing and frustrations. My intention isn't to offend anyone, though I know what I think and what I've said is definitely offensive to most christians. They love to be offended, as does anyone on Facebook.
ugh.
There is something so interesting about where I'm at right now. I've been on spring break the last week and still am out of class until this Friday. I spent the break finishing a project, the one I mentioned, and have met up with various people. I also went to see Bad Suns and From Indian Lakes in concert. That was pretty great. Like in my previous post, I have had several conversations with Erica in depth about where I'm at. I guess I've publicly posted here exactly what I think and feel about a lot. However, I've realized, after intense conversations with different people, that I am trying to separate republicanism and patriotism from christianity. I know I should probably discuss exactly what I mean, and I promise I will. Just not tonight.
Tonight, I want to admit that I am growing and my certainty that I don't believe in God anymore has turned to uncertainty once again. I don't know if I don't believe in God. I don't know if I don't trust him. I know that I don't trust the God I was taught about, I don't believe in the rules that have been laid down in front of me, I don't believe the cultural customs of the Bible times translate over into now, and I'm sure I could go on with what I don't believe. Life is so much more in gray when it comes to how to live than most people think. There are so many ways to interpret everything. It was so refreshing to just pour my heart out to someone who is much older than me, experienced more life than me, and is honestly more charismatic than I am (and definitely more than my parents). Though I am a skeptic about spiritual experiences, I don't believe my friend April is lying to me about what she believes she's encountered. Physical ailments being healed by her God communicating through another person to her about it, when that person had no idea she was injured... That's cooler and more believable than when my friend Jackie said he's spoken to her. More people could attest to April's injury than anyone could say Jackie's experience was real. She was completely alone.
Yes, I am still a skeptic. No, I don't have any connectivity in my heart or spirit that I used to think I had. But April did encourage me to research and look into depression medication. She believed that if she ever had a spell again, she would definitely get on anti-depressants. So, this last week would've been an opportune time to get checked and assessed, but honestly I've been working so hard to meet up with friends I could, and also finish this project. I do want to heal and function better. I am open to finding God. I just really, really hope he isn't the one strictly coming from the bible, as a literal interpretation. It's funny how the christians in my parents circle might say people exclude parts of the bible for their convenience, but they do the exact same thing. Why don't women wear coverings over their head at church? Why don't they use real wine for "passover?" How come women stand up and speak anything in front of the church? Why are christians still obsessed with circumcising their sons? Why do any women ever wear jewelry or fancy hairdos? Why is anyone getting married when, according to Paul, it's better to be single? You know, there is actually a verse in the bible that encourages couples to get married if they can't keep it in their pants.
No wonder a ridiculous amount of students from my school getting married at 19. They've done everything but have sex, and don't want to "lose their virginity" before marriage, so they get married way too soon. And then they realize, wow we only married so we could "lawfully" have sex, but they actually hate each other and probably are terrible at sex. (hahahah okay that isn't relevant but you get my point). They pick and choose which customs to keep and which to disregard, and of course then they tie it into their freakin' politic beliefs. Well, the only way you can be a real christian is if you are supporting this political party, and are obsessed with America being "the shiny city on a hill." Check me out of this asylum. I don't belong here. Sure. I am grateful I don't live somewhere else in poverty, but the obsession with America being this new Israel/Jerusalem is freaky. Why else are we so obsessed with taking care of Israel? Do we deep down think God will give us credit for helping them? Do we think we then transfer the label of God's people from them to us because we've paid our dues? Why are we still so focused on do's and don'ts while pretending we aren't legalistic like the people who won't let their daughters wear jeans or listen to rock-n-roll?
I need to quit while I'm ahead. I said I would explain what I meant later, but I guess I've revealed some of my processing and frustrations. My intention isn't to offend anyone, though I know what I think and what I've said is definitely offensive to most christians. They love to be offended, as does anyone on Facebook.
ugh.
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