I'm halfway through February and you know what that means? I will be a college graduate, and in Austria, in 3 months. I know I couldn't seem to not update last month (already only like 5 updates but that's a lot considering I hadn't done it that much last year) and now February is whizzing by and this is my first post. Honestly, I'm surprised, too. Yes, I am still working through a lot of questions and changes, and yes, school is stress galore along with trying to do insurance class online and work. But I am happy. There are things in life that will never be solved, never be sorted, and people I will never please or make like me, and I am happy - as happy as a girl could be in my situation in life. I don't need to live in fear of who won't approve of me because I need to live with myself at the end of the day. Here I am, in a place in life, where I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me. That's huge progress.
When I was re-reading some of my old entries and thoughts on here or in journals, I realized my journey to where I am at right now is really not that far off from where I was then. Okay, maybe it is further off, but it has been directed from the same path, if you get what I mean. The thoughts that were being implanted in my head, the questions that started arising, the wondering and aching for something better and something more real - those things were all happening to me slowly over the last two years, and then more intensely last summer. Obviously, when that severe depression hit - though I know I was working through depression in general then, it just got worse - I was left to really deal with those thoughts without any sugarcoating, without any fluff, and without any feelings. When I see what I was going through by how I described it, I know how strong I am. I know I share a lot of things with people nowadays because I have close friends, but I can still see that I hold back so much.
One thing I never did before was make light of my feelings, where I'm at in life or in my thoughts, and make self-deprecating jokes. But I believe, through my friendship with my roommate Emily, I have been able to not be so serious and to try to find light and freedom in those things. Of course, since I didn't have emotions for a while, all I had was to make light of my situation because I didn't want anyone feeling anything for me. It would've been wasted on me. For example, the time my counselor cried when I described my emotionless state and the wonders I had if my family would love me if they knew I don't believe anything anymore. The only thing I could feel was discomfort or awkwardness because I didn't know what to do. Don't worry. We both know my emotions have slowly rolled back in, but not all of them and not to the intense way they were. I'm glad about that.
I recently listened again to the song "Science and Faith" by the Script. One of the lyrics caused me to think and reflect a bit: "You won't find faith or hope down a telescope. You won't find heart and soul in the stars. You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can't explain a love like ours." And I just thought, what if? What if I can't logic the crap out of faith and it is just an abstract idea, that holds more feeling than logical reasoning? I don't want to just "accept it" or "deal with it." Emily is going to let me borrow a book written by a science that talks about his journey through deconstructing his faith and then rebuilding it, while being able to claim his scientific energy and mindset.
When I was re-reading some of my old entries and thoughts on here or in journals, I realized my journey to where I am at right now is really not that far off from where I was then. Okay, maybe it is further off, but it has been directed from the same path, if you get what I mean. The thoughts that were being implanted in my head, the questions that started arising, the wondering and aching for something better and something more real - those things were all happening to me slowly over the last two years, and then more intensely last summer. Obviously, when that severe depression hit - though I know I was working through depression in general then, it just got worse - I was left to really deal with those thoughts without any sugarcoating, without any fluff, and without any feelings. When I see what I was going through by how I described it, I know how strong I am. I know I share a lot of things with people nowadays because I have close friends, but I can still see that I hold back so much.
One thing I never did before was make light of my feelings, where I'm at in life or in my thoughts, and make self-deprecating jokes. But I believe, through my friendship with my roommate Emily, I have been able to not be so serious and to try to find light and freedom in those things. Of course, since I didn't have emotions for a while, all I had was to make light of my situation because I didn't want anyone feeling anything for me. It would've been wasted on me. For example, the time my counselor cried when I described my emotionless state and the wonders I had if my family would love me if they knew I don't believe anything anymore. The only thing I could feel was discomfort or awkwardness because I didn't know what to do. Don't worry. We both know my emotions have slowly rolled back in, but not all of them and not to the intense way they were. I'm glad about that.
I recently listened again to the song "Science and Faith" by the Script. One of the lyrics caused me to think and reflect a bit: "You won't find faith or hope down a telescope. You won't find heart and soul in the stars. You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can't explain a love like ours." And I just thought, what if? What if I can't logic the crap out of faith and it is just an abstract idea, that holds more feeling than logical reasoning? I don't want to just "accept it" or "deal with it." Emily is going to let me borrow a book written by a science that talks about his journey through deconstructing his faith and then rebuilding it, while being able to claim his scientific energy and mindset.
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