"Love with your whole heart." A TJ Maxx wooden canvas decor piece has that phrase written on it. There are others similar to it that say, "Home is wherever I'm with you" or "Home is where you hang your heart." Those didn't cause a twinge of any feeling in me like the first one. I feel pain thinking about that phrase. I've had to fit a role my whole life, I've played a role my whole life, and I've been afraid to just make people accept me for who I am and what I really think. I was afraid until I met some of the friends I've made in the last two years.
Trust me, I've thought about so much stuff in the last few months that my mind could explode. The good part is that all the things I wasn't dealing with in a good way, or not really dealing with at all, have slapped me in the face and demanded attention. The relationship I created with my parents is on the verge of completely disappearing and becoming something else. The hurtful words and holier-than-thou beliefs about my sister have dissipated, and I refused to apologize to my mom about something I said she thought was rude. I am changing. Is it love to finally show who I am? My sister told me that I have been a form of deceitful, and she is right. It's been out of fear that I've withdrawn and not said otherwise in the past, but I have slowly shifted from that as my thoughts, beliefs, ideals, and morals have grown and changed.
Gosh, I want to love with my whole heart. I've been shown love to look so conditional. I told my friend A last night that it's not that I don't believe someone out there could be the perfect-timing-Alex for me. I know I'm not capable of loving a man at this point. What happened to me, what has happened to me, those scars and that trauma has caused a ripple effect, and I didn't even realize that until now. This school year led me to become a very different person. Is there a difference between deeply caring and deeply loving? How do I become capable of loving someone?
The best choice for me right now is to not try to commit to anyone for a while. I don't know how long "a while" is, but I haven't jumped into a new relationship thingy and it's been three weeks since I ended things with K. I'd say I'm proud of me, and I am, but at the same time, I've been too severely emotionally depressed, sickly/ill, and busy. Though I have reached out to some, it's been half heartedly. I even asked someone to coffee, which he postponed because of business, but I was kind of relieved he did. A said its possible to have a relationship with someone where we "girl talk" but also are in love. That'd be nice. A male version of B and my cousin would be perfect for me. Someone who really listens to what I say and someone who doesn't freak out about what I say.
You know how doomed I'd be if the wrong person found my blog? I've thought about that a little bit, but it would also kind of be relieving because then I wouldn't have to say everything to people. However, some things have been shared when I probably wasn't in the calmest state of mind. I'd really like for the cognitive dissonance to be reduced. You either change your mindset or change your behavior. I do both in different situations. I don't know. Some people can never be their true selves, which is strange and somewhat sad to think about.
A might have found me a roommate; her best friend needs a housemate in August. We're supposed to video chat tonight, and then officially meet once I'm back from Austria, which I can't believe I'm leaving for in A WEEK! The setup is perfect for me, and even the timing is ideal. Two whole months at my new job would give me a steady income, and not too much time at home. My sister offered me to move in with her and her boyfriend, but he's moving in June, around the time I'd need to move in. I'd live there for two months just to move out? I don't know. I want to not move back in with my parents, but my stuff is already there, and moving Ary twice wouldn't be fair to her. I'm conflicted. At this point, if I move in with my sister, my mom will take it directly as something against her, like I'm choosing my sister over her. There's already all this tension over stupid shit, over my mom just never standing down and always having to be right in her beliefs. Well, I guess the joke's on you mom because we don't believe those things anymore. So, her righteousness has no hold on us, the argument doesn't work anymore, and it doesn't give her more credibility.
I can't believe I graduate in 6 days. Maybe I'll find love in Austria. I don't mean a man. Maybe I'll find healing and be able to purge myself of some of the baggage I'm taking there with me. I overheard someone in a line for a concert say (basically) "The flight attendant will probably stop me from boarding with a carry on bag because I have too much baggage." So I rephrased that as, "I have too much emotional baggage to bring a carry-on." Well, I am hoping that I can leave some behind.
Trust me, I've thought about so much stuff in the last few months that my mind could explode. The good part is that all the things I wasn't dealing with in a good way, or not really dealing with at all, have slapped me in the face and demanded attention. The relationship I created with my parents is on the verge of completely disappearing and becoming something else. The hurtful words and holier-than-thou beliefs about my sister have dissipated, and I refused to apologize to my mom about something I said she thought was rude. I am changing. Is it love to finally show who I am? My sister told me that I have been a form of deceitful, and she is right. It's been out of fear that I've withdrawn and not said otherwise in the past, but I have slowly shifted from that as my thoughts, beliefs, ideals, and morals have grown and changed.
Gosh, I want to love with my whole heart. I've been shown love to look so conditional. I told my friend A last night that it's not that I don't believe someone out there could be the perfect-timing-Alex for me. I know I'm not capable of loving a man at this point. What happened to me, what has happened to me, those scars and that trauma has caused a ripple effect, and I didn't even realize that until now. This school year led me to become a very different person. Is there a difference between deeply caring and deeply loving? How do I become capable of loving someone?
The best choice for me right now is to not try to commit to anyone for a while. I don't know how long "a while" is, but I haven't jumped into a new relationship thingy and it's been three weeks since I ended things with K. I'd say I'm proud of me, and I am, but at the same time, I've been too severely emotionally depressed, sickly/ill, and busy. Though I have reached out to some, it's been half heartedly. I even asked someone to coffee, which he postponed because of business, but I was kind of relieved he did. A said its possible to have a relationship with someone where we "girl talk" but also are in love. That'd be nice. A male version of B and my cousin would be perfect for me. Someone who really listens to what I say and someone who doesn't freak out about what I say.
You know how doomed I'd be if the wrong person found my blog? I've thought about that a little bit, but it would also kind of be relieving because then I wouldn't have to say everything to people. However, some things have been shared when I probably wasn't in the calmest state of mind. I'd really like for the cognitive dissonance to be reduced. You either change your mindset or change your behavior. I do both in different situations. I don't know. Some people can never be their true selves, which is strange and somewhat sad to think about.
A might have found me a roommate; her best friend needs a housemate in August. We're supposed to video chat tonight, and then officially meet once I'm back from Austria, which I can't believe I'm leaving for in A WEEK! The setup is perfect for me, and even the timing is ideal. Two whole months at my new job would give me a steady income, and not too much time at home. My sister offered me to move in with her and her boyfriend, but he's moving in June, around the time I'd need to move in. I'd live there for two months just to move out? I don't know. I want to not move back in with my parents, but my stuff is already there, and moving Ary twice wouldn't be fair to her. I'm conflicted. At this point, if I move in with my sister, my mom will take it directly as something against her, like I'm choosing my sister over her. There's already all this tension over stupid shit, over my mom just never standing down and always having to be right in her beliefs. Well, I guess the joke's on you mom because we don't believe those things anymore. So, her righteousness has no hold on us, the argument doesn't work anymore, and it doesn't give her more credibility.
I can't believe I graduate in 6 days. Maybe I'll find love in Austria. I don't mean a man. Maybe I'll find healing and be able to purge myself of some of the baggage I'm taking there with me. I overheard someone in a line for a concert say (basically) "The flight attendant will probably stop me from boarding with a carry on bag because I have too much baggage." So I rephrased that as, "I have too much emotional baggage to bring a carry-on." Well, I am hoping that I can leave some behind.
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