There is something about this moment in my life right now that feels
like the end of a 6 season TV series. This is the last episode, the
season finale of Red Panda, and here comes the big surprise. There is no
such thing as happily ever after. Paths get fucked up all the time and
lead us to where we never thought we'd be. TV shows tend to end after
some big event occurs (like graduation). I leave for Chicago to fly out
to Austria in just 45 minutes. This journey, with you my dear Red Panda
blog, has been chaos and beautiful, sorrowful and breaking, renewing and
reviving, destructive and instrumental.
I walked out of my apartment, last one out, leaving my key and parking tag behind. It would have been movie like if my suitcase hadn't gotten got on one of the rivets in the sidewalk and I dropped it completely. (Yes, I laughed). Fuck movie moments. I've had enough to be grateful for, but they are just moments and moments slip by. There are people and loves and hurts I've hung onto because I hoped somehow they would be renewed, fulfilled, and come back to me. I have to let go. This is the final chapter of of a part of me that is gone now.
Can you believe that 6 years ago I was graduating high school, and I was so lost and that terrified me? I lost myself completely, just to find me again, and to find myself in the eyes and hearts of others I never could have imagined in my life. I am learning how to be honest and authentic, not just with friends or strangers, but finally with my family. It has taken years to not fear them, fear what they think, what they'd say or do, and if they wouldn't love me anymore. I can't be careful just because of that fear. Since when I have I ever backed down and turned around and stopped? These last six years prove that I don't give up. I'm emotional and tearing up, but not because I'm sad. I just can't believe I made it. My cousin told my oldest sister yesterday that, "Hannah looks so happy. I have never seen her just look this happy." I am.
I'm moving out, moving on, moving forward, and I am going to make it. To anyone who followed my journey through Red Panda, thanks for being there. And to future Hannah: look at you, girl. You've come so far, you've endured, you've loved, you've conquered! I love you now, and I will love you always.
I walked out of my apartment, last one out, leaving my key and parking tag behind. It would have been movie like if my suitcase hadn't gotten got on one of the rivets in the sidewalk and I dropped it completely. (Yes, I laughed). Fuck movie moments. I've had enough to be grateful for, but they are just moments and moments slip by. There are people and loves and hurts I've hung onto because I hoped somehow they would be renewed, fulfilled, and come back to me. I have to let go. This is the final chapter of of a part of me that is gone now.
Can you believe that 6 years ago I was graduating high school, and I was so lost and that terrified me? I lost myself completely, just to find me again, and to find myself in the eyes and hearts of others I never could have imagined in my life. I am learning how to be honest and authentic, not just with friends or strangers, but finally with my family. It has taken years to not fear them, fear what they think, what they'd say or do, and if they wouldn't love me anymore. I can't be careful just because of that fear. Since when I have I ever backed down and turned around and stopped? These last six years prove that I don't give up. I'm emotional and tearing up, but not because I'm sad. I just can't believe I made it. My cousin told my oldest sister yesterday that, "Hannah looks so happy. I have never seen her just look this happy." I am.
I'm moving out, moving on, moving forward, and I am going to make it. To anyone who followed my journey through Red Panda, thanks for being there. And to future Hannah: look at you, girl. You've come so far, you've endured, you've loved, you've conquered! I love you now, and I will love you always.
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