A Little Bit of Complaining, A Little Bit of Relief

Yesterday, I experienced pure joy for the first time in a while. I am going to work for Anthropologie, a store who's aesthetic I fell in love with the moment I walked in 5 years ago. There wasn't this dream in the back of my mind to work for the company, but the opportunity arose when I saw a posting on Linkedin during my constant job search. They had me submit an application with some paragraph answers, and then fill out a survey. After that, I was asked to meet with the hiring manager, and we talked and she asked when I could start new hire training. My mouth dropped, I'm sure. I didn't realize I had the job! This is a large company, with several brands that are linked, and the headquarters are in Philadelphia (the city I've wanted to move to probably about as long as I knew that I wanted an apartment that had the same vibes as Anthropologie). It isn't that the starting pay is so much better than the job I currently have, it's the exact same starting pay. But with this company, there are opportunities to move upward and forward, and maybe just plain MOVE. The variety of merchandise this store holds might come across as overwhelming to someone who's used to selling one type of product, but I've been working at a thrift store for the last 8 months, and had to learn about all sorts of items that I knew nothing about or didn't even know what they were. I don't know if you can tell, but I can feel the eagerness in my thoughts and words as I type about this.

I'm ready for something new and fresh, a change of pace, an actual good discount, making new connections with coworkers and hopefully making more female friends out of this. I need to separate my personal life from my work life more, mostly as a way to stay sane because I am so so tired of all the crossover. I can't wait to tell the bosses at my current place that I got another job, and I'll be cutting my hours. It feels so empowering to know that it's their loss, a huge loss when I cut hours, and that it will cause them some issues. That sounds cruel, but I am tired of the BS, the low pay, no benefits, and constant scrutiny without real direction. I hate that I have a burden of responsibility and not a compensation to match it. I'm tired of hour long conversations that cover the same history lesson and no new helpful information. I'm tired of the attitudes and arrogance of the bosses, the gossip, and as the newest manager there puts it "mental masturbation." They sit around, drone on and on just to hear themselves talk, and they pat themselves on the back for it. Curse me the day someone I know reads this and this gets back to them, but honestly they should check themselves. I don't wish them ill, but they really need to stop thinking so highly of their "ideals" and "dreams" and actually pay attention to what's happening. They tell one person to stay in their lane, but yet let a different person consistently bully, boss around, and talk shit about whatever person they decided will be their bitch for a while. I've told one of them straight to their face that I would voice more concerns or issues I have if I believed I would be listened to or that they'd care. Did he even ask what I meant? hahahahaha NOOOOO. Because THEY DON'T CARE. I'm sick of that. I want to be valued, especially when they tell me the position I do is the most valuable part of the whole company (which isn't true in my opinion, but if it were true, it's pretty pathetic that I get paid such little money to essentially make sure the company doesn't fall apart....)

This job I have could be viewed like a toxic relationship. I'm not valued. I'm talked in circles. I don't benefit from it, except just the name. There's no direction, just a lot of selfishness, egotistical behavior, hypocrisy, and neglect. Yep, sounds like a bad relationship.

Just from the conversation with the hiring manager, I can already tell that this company promotes thinking about what's best for the workers, and creating a team that helps each other, and succeeds together. She said that those who want to work up into management do it. And when I told her I graduated with a degree in communications, she mentioned that their hq's are in Philly and that maybe one day I'd be working in the comm department. It was so thoughtful, and I've never had someone who was "interviewing" me think of MY future for me. This is a good thing. I really think that Anthropologie will be good to/for me and I will be good for them.

Something to remember, Hannah, is to not let the workplace become your only social place, and also to speak up even when you think the people won't listen. Value yourself, even though someone else might not. Speaking up to a boss that is difficult or won't listen to you shows them how you want to be treated. If you're silent all the time, sometimes that's just being passive and not helpful at all. Speak up when you KNOW you should, and be patient when the timing isn't right. I get to reinvent myself at this new workplace, and I am going to be someone great.

I thought I was done, but...

I had a dream last night that held characters from my past. There were people I had not thought about in depth for a long time, and there were others who I think about often. I didn't feel sadness, regret, or unsettled. Dreams continue to leave me with leftover feelings, no matter what they are about. Over the last year, I have severe night terrors that I hadn't experienced in such a long time. Dreams concern me because of the various times that they materialized. Maybe that's silly. There are not many things that leave me unhinged and anxious for extended periods of time anymore. What I hope is that I've developed healthy coping skills and have thrown aside most of the harmful ones.

On the tip of my tongue, I know there is much I want to say and relay. Blogging here always helped me settle what was in my head, or at least helped me work through it. I really enjoy coming back later and re-reading things I was processing. I miss leaving thoughts for future Hannah. Something I recognized about myself yesterday was that I have always sought out inner peace. Maybe I can finally give a polite nod to my religious upbringing for pounding the idea of conviction into me. Whenever I have felt extremely unsettled or anxious, or someone has emitted that energy, I have sought out whatever solution will make that feeling go away, and calm will come in. I'd break my heart to feel spiritual calm. It's really strange, but as I've developed this skill apart from religion, it has helped me find balance. Counseling really helped me develop.

Something else I've learned is that the inner voice directing me to feel uncomfortable about different things had nothing to do with conviction or the holy spirit. This came from my own instinct, intuition, and my empathy. I've paid attention to people, how I feel around them, and what I do to counteract when I feel negative. I didn't really believe it when my roommate told me I'm an empath, but the more I pay attention to people I care about/am around a lot, I can really identify what is them and what is me. I think about how others would feel about something, and I avoid confronting people who I know will emit feelings/energy that I don't want to absorb or be around. It's not just that I don't trust people with my opinion, it's also that I don't want their vibes. I honestly don't believe I'm so kind and thoughtful or caring as maybe I can appear. I want peace and calm, and I'll do everything I can to feel that way. I've done that my whole life.

Looking at my life through the lens that I am an empath, it's so strange to see things connecting differently. I had early depression. I was ten when I first experienced severe depression, dark thoughts. A couple of years ago, I was talking to my dad about the depression I was experiencing, when my emotions were completely gone and I just wasn't myself. He told me he didn't have depression like I did, but he remembered being deeply depressed when we first moved to Indiana. He had feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and wanting to die. Then, when I was listening to a podcast for Empaths, I remembered that conversation I had with my dad. "HOLY SHIT." It hit me. No wonder I was internally destroyed for years. I felt my dad's depression, and who knows who else's feelings. I've shown old poems to friends from when I was 14 years old, and they reacted like, "Wow, I was thinking of way simpler things when I was 14." I remember feeling everything.

Now I understand why it was so hard for me to want to be around my sister for a while. She is chaotic and passionate, her energy is loud and abrupt. I just internally wanted it to stop, and I didn't know how to handle it. She isn't as fucked by conflict as I can get, it seems. I could feel the anger dripping off her, and I hated that energy because I fucking hate anything but calm. I only fix problems because I hate feeling so unsettled. Is it purely selfish if it generally leads me to do the right/best thing? I also know I pay attention to body language. I worry about my friends' actions/behaviors not by how it affects me, but how it might fuck them over in the future if they continue to react in ways that I know aren't the best. I don't think I know everything or know better, I just know that I pay very close attention to people I care about, and that what I see won't be things they see. I also can feel their energy, and I just want to show them how to find calm and peace on their own. I just want to help.

I've never known myself so well before, and I know I am okay. If anything, life is good. There are really difficult things going on right now, and I've worked through many hard things before. I will continue to pursue peace, and do things that bring happiness and pleasure. At this point, I think I'm fully de-converted (haha that just sounds funny to me right now, I don't know why). I'm not angry about how I was raised much anymore, and I spiritually feel open. I don't need to figure out anything for certain, like how the universe was made. All I know is I exist for now, and there are others surrounding me who are in physical and spiritual forms that just want to keep existing, too. I don't care to identify as anything specific. I used to think, why should I believe something just because I like it or how it makes me feel? But now, I'm kind of thinking, if I like this idea, why can't I believe in it if I want to?



Babe, you're not lost.

Season Finale

There is something about this moment in my life right now that feels like the end of a 6 season TV series. This is the last episode, the season finale of Red Panda, and here comes the big surprise. There is no such thing as happily ever after. Paths get fucked up all the time and lead us to where we never thought we'd be. TV shows tend to end after some big event occurs (like graduation). I leave for Chicago to fly out to Austria in just 45 minutes. This journey, with you my dear Red Panda blog, has been chaos and beautiful, sorrowful and breaking, renewing and reviving, destructive and instrumental.

I walked out of my apartment, last one out, leaving my key and parking tag behind. It would have been movie like if my suitcase hadn't gotten got on one of the rivets in the sidewalk and I dropped it completely. (Yes, I laughed). Fuck movie moments. I've had enough to be grateful for, but they are just moments and moments slip by. There are people and loves and hurts I've hung onto because I hoped somehow they would be renewed, fulfilled, and come back to me. I have to let go. This is the final chapter of of a part of me that is gone now.

Can you believe that 6 years ago I was graduating high school, and I was so lost and that terrified me? I lost myself completely, just to find me again, and to find myself in the eyes and hearts of others I never could have imagined in my life. I am learning how to be honest and authentic, not just with friends or strangers, but finally with my family. It has taken years to not fear them, fear what they think, what they'd say or do, and if they wouldn't love me anymore. I can't be careful just because of that fear. Since when I have I ever backed down and turned around and stopped? These last six years prove that I don't give up. I'm emotional and tearing up, but not because I'm sad. I just can't believe I made it. My cousin told my oldest sister yesterday that, "Hannah looks so happy. I have never seen her just look this happy." I am.

I'm moving out, moving on, moving forward, and I am going to make it. To anyone who followed my journey through Red Panda, thanks for being there. And to future Hannah: look at you, girl. You've come so far, you've endured, you've loved, you've conquered! I love you now, and I will love you always.

List Out

This is it. This is my last post as a college undergrad. In just 30 minutes, my graduating class and I will be lining up to do a run-through of the ceremony tomorrow. Then, tomorrow comes, I walk in with my classmates, and I get my diploma (in the mail because I'm technically not done 'til after my trip to Austria). I leave for Austria in 2 days. I have to tell my parents I'm moving out when they come up for my graduation tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ready.

When I started this blog, I don't really remember what I hoped it would become. I knew that it would be a place I could come to and vent, poetize, and figure out what's going on in my head. I have unleashed many stories, poems, and tears over the things I've written on here. This blog has seen me at my worst and at my most in love or happiest. I am rising out of yet another series of deep depression, and I continue to rise stronger. I can't believe that just in 9 months, I had at least 3 periods of deep depression. That has to be the worst I've experienced yet, but I emerged still.

I'm more anxious to tell my parents (my mom) I'm moving out in July. Even though I will be 24 in a month an a half, I still get so much anxiety when it comes to talking to my mom about anything. She is very self-righteous, and seems to enjoy making others need her, or having others need her. I keep thinking she is just going to severely judge me for any decision I make. I remember that my sister left home and moved out at midnight when she was almost 23. If she can do that, I can move out during the day and in a planned fashion. I know my relationship with my parents is different than hers, and I know my mom views me differently, but that doesn't mean it's right. I also just need out. If I wait around and stay at home, H will be offended and hurt by that, and I also will prolong the inevitable (moving out). Sometimes making things work, surviving, learning how to live on my own or save money, is by forcing myself to just do it. That's what I've always wanted to just do, but my mom has always infiltrated my thoughts with panic about finances, causing me to believe I won't make it. She recently said to me that she was concerned I wouldn't make it on my own. Well, look at me, mom. Trying to make it on my own.

Reasons to tell my parents why I want to move out:
1. I need to just do it and be responsible for myself
2. I want to prove I can make it
3. The girl I'm going to live with is AWESOME and the situation is perfect for me
4. The rent is not bad, and I need to take this opportunity
5. I want to live closer to work
6. After living on my own, it's hard to come back home and be the kid again (because yes, I will be the kid still).
7. After living on my own, it's going to make us living together much harder, and I want to keep our relationship good.
8. I'm going to be 24 years old.
9. I want to connect to the community I'm going to be a part, so living there is a better decision, especially now that it is an option.

Yes, I took a picture of those reasons. Yes, I have weird knots in my stomach just thinking about talking to my mom about moving out. My dad brought it up though, last weekend. He told me I needed to start thinking about the cost of an apartment in Indy, and other expenses. I told him I had thought about those things in detail, and since I didn't know anyone who needed a roommate, that I couldn't afford to get an apartment on my own. But just within 2 days of saying that, I talked to my good friend, and she connected me to her best friend who was looking for a housemate within the next couple of months. Ary can live there. Rent is affordable. She's a fun-loving, honest, open, and spiritual girl.

Well, I have to leave this coffee shop and go back to campus and get this practice over with.

Quotes on Decoration

"Love with your whole heart." A TJ Maxx wooden canvas decor piece has that phrase written on it. There are others similar to it that say, "Home is wherever I'm with you" or "Home is where you hang your heart." Those didn't cause a twinge of any feeling in me like the first one. I feel pain thinking about that phrase. I've had to fit a role my whole life, I've played a role my whole life, and I've been afraid to just make people accept me for who I am and what I really think. I was afraid until I met some of the friends I've made in the last two years.

Trust me, I've thought about so much stuff in the last few months that my mind could explode. The good part is that all the things I wasn't dealing with in a good way, or not really dealing with at all, have slapped me in the face and demanded attention. The relationship I created with my parents is on the verge of completely disappearing and becoming something else. The hurtful words and holier-than-thou beliefs about my sister have dissipated, and I refused to apologize to my mom about something I said she thought was rude. I am changing. Is it love to finally show who I am? My sister told me that I have been a form of deceitful, and she is right. It's been out of fear that I've withdrawn and not said otherwise in the past, but I have slowly shifted from that as my thoughts, beliefs, ideals, and morals have grown and changed.

Gosh, I want to love with my whole heart. I've been shown love to look so conditional. I told my friend A last night that it's not that I don't believe someone out there could be the perfect-timing-Alex for me. I know I'm not capable of loving a man at this point. What happened to me, what has happened to me, those scars and that trauma has caused a ripple effect, and I didn't even realize that until now. This school year led me to become a very different person. Is there a difference between deeply caring and deeply loving? How do I become capable of loving someone?

The best choice for me right now is to not try to commit to anyone for a while. I don't know how long "a while" is, but I haven't jumped into a new relationship thingy and it's been three weeks since I ended things with K. I'd say I'm proud of me, and I am, but at the same time, I've been too severely emotionally depressed, sickly/ill, and busy.  Though I have reached out to some, it's been half heartedly. I even asked someone to coffee, which he postponed because of business, but I was kind of relieved he did. A said its possible to have a relationship with someone where we "girl talk" but also are in love. That'd be nice. A male version of B and my cousin would be perfect for me. Someone who really listens to what I say and someone who doesn't freak out about what I say.

You know how doomed I'd be if the wrong person found my blog? I've thought about that a little bit, but it would also kind of be relieving because then I wouldn't have to say everything to people. However, some things have been shared when I probably wasn't in the calmest state of mind. I'd really like for the cognitive dissonance to be reduced. You either change your mindset or change your behavior. I do both in different situations. I don't know. Some people can never be their true selves, which is strange and somewhat sad to think about.

A might have found me a roommate; her best friend needs a housemate in August. We're supposed to video chat tonight, and then officially meet once I'm back from Austria, which I can't believe I'm leaving for in A WEEK! The setup is perfect for me, and even the timing is ideal. Two whole months at my new job would give me a steady income, and not too much time at home. My sister offered me to move in with her and her boyfriend, but he's moving in June, around the time I'd need to move in. I'd live there for two months just to move out? I don't know. I want to not move back in with my parents, but my stuff is already there, and moving Ary twice wouldn't be fair to her. I'm conflicted. At this point, if I move in with my sister, my mom will take it directly as something against her, like I'm choosing my sister over her. There's already all this tension over stupid shit, over my mom just never standing down and always having to be right in her beliefs. Well, I guess the joke's on you mom because we don't believe those things anymore. So, her righteousness has no hold on us, the argument doesn't work anymore, and it doesn't give her more credibility.

I can't believe I graduate in 6 days. Maybe I'll find love in Austria. I don't mean a man. Maybe I'll find healing and be able to purge myself of some of the baggage I'm taking there with me. I overheard someone in a line for a concert say (basically) "The flight attendant will probably stop me from boarding with a carry on bag because I have too much baggage." So I rephrased that as, "I have too much emotional baggage to bring a carry-on." Well, I am hoping that I can leave some behind.

S/p/l/i/t

Last night I watched the movie Split with my friend B for her birthday. We tend to watch creepy/horror movies together. I needed a good creeped out experience, but this movie wasn't just some aimlessly gory and horrific film. I do watch movies with the lens of "what does this movie say about our culture?" and "why was this movie made?" Normal people don't watch movies with that in mind, but due to my college education, I am doomed to analyze the crap out of media. It's okay. It helps me find the valuable parts of what I'm watching, and also to be a little objective when watching something.

So, the basic synopsis of the movie is a young adult male that has a personality disorder kidnaps three teenage girls. These girls meet several of the male's personalities. Two of the girls have never faced hardship, innocence stolen, abuse, etc, and the third girl was put into the custody of her uncle, who has molested her since she was a little girl, after her father died. The Male repeats different times about having "untouched girls" for "the beast." Once his 24th personality emerges, it ravages the "untouched girls" and starts charging toward the third girl. She had obtained the male's shotgun and was shooting at him until she enclosed herself in a cell for protection. When the male came to it, he started pulling apart the bars so that he could eat her, but then he saw the scars and marks on her stomach and arms. He saw that she wasn't untouched, but rather had been abused (like he had been by his mother years ago).

He stops trying to reach her and tells her she is pure - that the damaged are pure. Because she was (and maybe was still) abused, she understood things way beyond what those other two girls could. That made me think about the power of abuse and how people who haven't been through something traumatic react to something versus those who have. In the moment of something so terrifying, you realize what is about to happen to you, and it might not make sense (to an outside viewer if they could see) how you respond. We who watch what is happening on the TV screen can objectively say, Oh wow, girl you shouldn't have done that, but done this. But I have been in that moment where my actions couldn't match what seemed sensible. I couldn't make up a clear, quick response. All I knew in that terrifying moment was: get it over with, stay calm, survive, don't provoke them further.

The point of Split wasn't to terrify the public about abduction and split personality disorder, The point was that when people abuse others, there are terrible effects as a result. The victim will always live life affected by that trauma, and they will never react to circumstances the same way as those who haven't been through abuse. I'd like to be optimistic and say one day I will fully heal from the trauma, but I won't. My brain will always be scarred by it. My decisions in life are affected by my fears, my scars, my past trauma. The only way for the Male to cope was to develop personalities that were stronger than himself. But eventually that erupted into chaos, abduction, and murder.

So, yeah I did go to bed with images of James crawling up my walls and coming to eat my bowels, but I wasn't really frightened by that movie itself. I was frightened by how horrible the long term effects of abuse can be. I live in fear that I'll have to face someone I am scared to face. I live in fear somehow they will find a way to contact me again. There are so many things I just should've done in that moment, but I didn't do, and I cannot fucking hold that over my head anymore. It's done. That moment is gone, but the effects are evermore present. My trust in people is strained. 

Last Night I Did a Lot of Thinking

It’s nothing new that I overthink. But last night, I wrote out a poem, or was it this morning, about someone that I miss. The problem with dating different people or loving different people is that there are parts of them that I will always love more. I take away the parts that hurt and the parts that healed, and I’m left jaded and with expectations. We all have expectations. I’m no exception to that. 

“Don’t let the imaginary person in your head stop you from loving the person right in front of you.” I read that on Tumblr a few years ago now. I used to really struggle with having this ideal, this prince charming in my head. To some extent, the dreams I had of this person still affect what I imagine, but also people these days just trigger fears. I think that if I had less experience, I’d be less jaded, and things would bother me less. Like the cowardice or distance or selfish language wouldn’t freak me out as much because I’d have nothing it reminded me of. People stop putting me at ease. Things end once that happens. Either they ghost me or I end the relationship. 

Nostalgia, as I’ve said somewhere else, is dangerous to play games with. You’ve got to be careful where you let your thoughts dwell and stay. Sometimes it’s really harmful. I don’t know if thinking about C is really harmful or not. Don’t worry. I am not about to contact him and ask, Would you please take me if I moved to where you are? We have an understanding. I used to want to settle down, and he can’t do the distance between us. I get that. Sometimes perfect moments are just that: moments. I’ve had several perfect moments with him, and maybe full-time would be completely awful. I can’t let myself fantasize about what I don’t know.

I wrote a poem, and it conjured up feelings I had. Come June, we met two years ago, and it seems like a life time ago, but also just like a couple days ago. I remember how are banter made me feel. I remember how inclusive R was, and invited me to join them after the concert. I remember how I had to stop somewhere to buy chapstick because my lips were hurting so bad. They saved me a seat right next to C, of course. It’s funny how I best connected with the single one, and then R. We had good conversations. I miss them all, but mostly miss those two, missing C of course the most. I don’t know when I’ll see them again, if I’ll see them again. What’s hard is that I think part of me can’t really commit to someone now because I am in love with the idea of C and I finally trying out a relationship together. I admit that, in love with the idea. I don’t know if it would really work. With where I’m at now, it takes away the limitations of who I can date. To the deepest part of my heart, I do want to move to Texas. I’ve been trying to make that happen. But then Grad school kind of fell through, and my plans of moving closer to him did, too. 

After my relationship crumbled with Christian back in 2012, I promised myself to never choose a guy over my future/career/ my plans while I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. And I haven't so far. I've not let it stop me. But to some extent, I have. I've let past hurts or past loves stop me from moving forward in relationships. It's not like I have ended relationships that shouldn't have ended. I have always had valid reasons, and I wasn't being a crazy jerk.

I guess the question is, would I move my life for the chance to be with C?  Am I, deep down, in love with C? Could I fully commit and trust him? Could he feel that way about me in return, and also trust me?

Maybe. I don't know.