It’s nothing new that I overthink. But last night, I wrote out a poem, or was it this morning, about someone that I miss. The problem with dating different people or loving different people is that there are parts of them that I will always love more. I take away the parts that hurt and the parts that healed, and I’m left jaded and with expectations. We all have expectations. I’m no exception to that.
“Don’t let the imaginary person in your head stop you from loving the person right in front of you.” I read that on Tumblr a few years ago now. I used to really struggle with having this ideal, this prince charming in my head. To some extent, the dreams I had of this person still affect what I imagine, but also people these days just trigger fears. I think that if I had less experience, I’d be less jaded, and things would bother me less. Like the cowardice or distance or selfish language wouldn’t freak me out as much because I’d have nothing it reminded me of. People stop putting me at ease. Things end once that happens. Either they ghost me or I end the relationship.
Nostalgia, as I’ve said somewhere else, is dangerous to play games with. You’ve got to be careful where you let your thoughts dwell and stay. Sometimes it’s really harmful. I don’t know if thinking about C is really harmful or not. Don’t worry. I am not about to contact him and ask, Would you please take me if I moved to where you are? We have an understanding. I used to want to settle down, and he can’t do the distance between us. I get that. Sometimes perfect moments are just that: moments. I’ve had several perfect moments with him, and maybe full-time would be completely awful. I can’t let myself fantasize about what I don’t know.
I wrote a poem, and it conjured up feelings I had. Come June, we met two years ago, and it seems like a life time ago, but also just like a couple days ago. I remember how are banter made me feel. I remember how inclusive R was, and invited me to join them after the concert. I remember how I had to stop somewhere to buy chapstick because my lips were hurting so bad. They saved me a seat right next to C, of course. It’s funny how I best connected with the single one, and then R. We had good conversations. I miss them all, but mostly miss those two, missing C of course the most. I don’t know when I’ll see them again, if I’ll see them again. What’s hard is that I think part of me can’t really commit to someone now because I am in love with the idea of C and I finally trying out a relationship together. I admit that, in love with the idea. I don’t know if it would really work. With where I’m at now, it takes away the limitations of who I can date. To the deepest part of my heart, I do want to move to Texas. I’ve been trying to make that happen. But then Grad school kind of fell through, and my plans of moving closer to him did, too.
After my relationship crumbled with Christian back in 2012, I promised myself to never choose a guy over my future/career/ my plans while I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. And I haven't so far. I've not let it stop me. But to some extent, I have. I've let past hurts or past loves stop me from moving forward in relationships. It's not like I have ended relationships that shouldn't have ended. I have always had valid reasons, and I wasn't being a crazy jerk.
I guess the question is, would I move my life for the chance to be with C? Am I, deep down, in love with C? Could I fully commit and trust him? Could he feel that way about me in return, and also trust me?
Maybe. I don't know.
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