"Oh, what the hell? I just can't win for losing." I think of those lyrics from the Rob Thomas song because it seems like I just catch a break. I went to the MedStat clinic yesterday morning at 7:30 AM. They ran all kinds of tests on me to see what was wrong, and all of those tests came up negative. I'm fine. Except I'm not. I woke up last night knowing something wasn't right with my body. I can't prove anything, but my sister suggested I get an x-ray of my abdomen. There's a possibility I've got a hernia or I pulled a muscle. One thing is for certain, I don't feel right and it is partially self-inflicted.
The doctor sat down with me and talked about depression, self-harm, and ways to find peace or help when things are dark. I've always been apprehensive toward hospitals, doctors, and health professionals in general. I don't fully know why. I think it's because some of them are rude, but also I don't trust that just because they are "doctors" that means they can actually help me. Maybe it's because I've walked into a hospital room as my friend died. Whatever the reason, it's pretty serious for me to make myself go.
I could really use just some kind of break. The heaviness on my mind, heart, chest, stomach, and skin is nearly too much. There is nothing I can take that will make me feel better. I temporarily felt better at work today, and enjoyed some conversations with co-workers and some outgoing customers. I thought a lot, but not as much as I usually do. I was able to stay a little busier, and that was nice. I can't believe I haven't had coffee since Monday. It seems weird that I don't feel that bad without it, but it does feel weird.
My mind isn't so restless at this moment, but there are things weighing on it. I keep thinking about summer of 2015, and the people I met then. The things that hurt. The things that were wonderful. And it's strange how certain things held me back from really letting myself have feelings for certain people, but now that I am not really in this strict christian belief system, it kind of opens up my options of love interests. I mean, once I move out it's a bit more open, because if I were to live outside of my parents' laws openly while living with them, I'd get kicked out anyway. Probably. But I know that I really don't want to do distance again. As much as I deep down still love and care for him, I would have to live near him for us to be together at last. That's how he feels, that is also how I feel. I don't make enough money to do distance that far.
Something that also has been on my mind is that I don't know how to love anymore. It isn't that I don't love my friends and family because I do. I mean, I don't think I can commit myself to anyone. Things trigger me and scare me. Even in my head, though I love some people to some extent, I don't think I could give myself to them fully. I don't think I am capable of that. But then I read this post from TWLOHA "Your love still works." That is a beautiful statement. Can I still love someone deeply and it last? Can they go past my fears and be real, be honest, be kind, and not be frightening or threatening, and not be cowardly?
The doctor sat down with me and talked about depression, self-harm, and ways to find peace or help when things are dark. I've always been apprehensive toward hospitals, doctors, and health professionals in general. I don't fully know why. I think it's because some of them are rude, but also I don't trust that just because they are "doctors" that means they can actually help me. Maybe it's because I've walked into a hospital room as my friend died. Whatever the reason, it's pretty serious for me to make myself go.
I could really use just some kind of break. The heaviness on my mind, heart, chest, stomach, and skin is nearly too much. There is nothing I can take that will make me feel better. I temporarily felt better at work today, and enjoyed some conversations with co-workers and some outgoing customers. I thought a lot, but not as much as I usually do. I was able to stay a little busier, and that was nice. I can't believe I haven't had coffee since Monday. It seems weird that I don't feel that bad without it, but it does feel weird.
My mind isn't so restless at this moment, but there are things weighing on it. I keep thinking about summer of 2015, and the people I met then. The things that hurt. The things that were wonderful. And it's strange how certain things held me back from really letting myself have feelings for certain people, but now that I am not really in this strict christian belief system, it kind of opens up my options of love interests. I mean, once I move out it's a bit more open, because if I were to live outside of my parents' laws openly while living with them, I'd get kicked out anyway. Probably. But I know that I really don't want to do distance again. As much as I deep down still love and care for him, I would have to live near him for us to be together at last. That's how he feels, that is also how I feel. I don't make enough money to do distance that far.
Something that also has been on my mind is that I don't know how to love anymore. It isn't that I don't love my friends and family because I do. I mean, I don't think I can commit myself to anyone. Things trigger me and scare me. Even in my head, though I love some people to some extent, I don't think I could give myself to them fully. I don't think I am capable of that. But then I read this post from TWLOHA "Your love still works." That is a beautiful statement. Can I still love someone deeply and it last? Can they go past my fears and be real, be honest, be kind, and not be frightening or threatening, and not be cowardly?
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