Today has been a bedrest day for me. This last week I've felt anxious, stressed, frustrated, nauseous, and had a fever all last night. On top of those things, I also was on my period, which was the worst one I can recall, symptom wise. I've been in a lot of physical pain this week. My mind has been in an anxious state lately, too. When I fall into funks, I can't remember clearly when the last time I felt normal was. I know that's very strange, but my energy levels now are so low. This post sounds so much like a diary entry.
The last time I had a counseling session was February. I rescheduled my last one. Within the last few months, I've become less trusting of so many people. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I move back home. Counseling has been extremely helpful, but I have to leave Deb behind. She's a part of Grace, and I am leaving here. I wonder if there is a possibility I could meet her once a month, but I kind of doubt that could happen. I know there are a couple of amazing people in my life that I do get good counsel from, even if I am not telling them everything.
Will I miss anything here? My mind has been so distracted due to depression and lack of emotions. Right now, I'm distracted by my physical pain and how it's deterring me from working out or doing yoga. I'd just get weak if I tried. But yeah, I think there are features I will miss. I was recently recounting some stories to my friend Jessie about last year. As much as I would like to say I'm over all my past hurts, that just wouldn't be true. It's good to know I feel things again, I balance them so much better than I used to, and I'm much more in control of my emotions. I am disappointed that particular past things hurt still. Physical pain's got nothing on heartbreak. Losing someone you love that you thought you'd have in your future causes pain in your mind and your body.
By now, I thought I'd be sitting at his baseball games and cheering him on. I thought we'd be graduating together and our families having dinner after the graduation. I thought we'd finally connect and be together. I reread what I wrote winter 2015, about the night where he confessed his feelings for me. Nostalgia is dangerous. When I was numb, I saw him and it made no difference. I was at the rec a few days ago, jumping rope by the green room, and he was working out in there. I walked by him to get the rope. He walked by me to get his baseball gear, and of course I was invisible. But I became invisible a long time ago. I wasn't surprised by that. What did surprise me was the hint of pain in my chest.
Now I'm crying. Not sobbing. Just simple tears. My hands are freezing and my face is on fire. How can my body be in two different states, and have two different temperatures?
The last time I had a counseling session was February. I rescheduled my last one. Within the last few months, I've become less trusting of so many people. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I move back home. Counseling has been extremely helpful, but I have to leave Deb behind. She's a part of Grace, and I am leaving here. I wonder if there is a possibility I could meet her once a month, but I kind of doubt that could happen. I know there are a couple of amazing people in my life that I do get good counsel from, even if I am not telling them everything.
Will I miss anything here? My mind has been so distracted due to depression and lack of emotions. Right now, I'm distracted by my physical pain and how it's deterring me from working out or doing yoga. I'd just get weak if I tried. But yeah, I think there are features I will miss. I was recently recounting some stories to my friend Jessie about last year. As much as I would like to say I'm over all my past hurts, that just wouldn't be true. It's good to know I feel things again, I balance them so much better than I used to, and I'm much more in control of my emotions. I am disappointed that particular past things hurt still. Physical pain's got nothing on heartbreak. Losing someone you love that you thought you'd have in your future causes pain in your mind and your body.
By now, I thought I'd be sitting at his baseball games and cheering him on. I thought we'd be graduating together and our families having dinner after the graduation. I thought we'd finally connect and be together. I reread what I wrote winter 2015, about the night where he confessed his feelings for me. Nostalgia is dangerous. When I was numb, I saw him and it made no difference. I was at the rec a few days ago, jumping rope by the green room, and he was working out in there. I walked by him to get the rope. He walked by me to get his baseball gear, and of course I was invisible. But I became invisible a long time ago. I wasn't surprised by that. What did surprise me was the hint of pain in my chest.
Now I'm crying. Not sobbing. Just simple tears. My hands are freezing and my face is on fire. How can my body be in two different states, and have two different temperatures?
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