Last night, I crumbled and did something I haven't done in almost a year. The past week and a half have reminded me of all the reasons I hated feeling. I know in my head that being numb again would be terrible, too, but I'm caught in a paradox. I feel so much, yet I can't truly love or trust really anyone. Those who have said they love me have proven their love to be conditional or just a lie. Those who want to play the victim will do so, and those who are truly victims refuse to stay that way.
Everything inside of me feels heavy. I look at my body and I feel uncomfortable. I have gained weight, and lost motivation. Sometimes I have spurts of energy, but it's minor. Being here at school complete takes away my motivation. I hate this place. I know that, come summer, I'll be daily active and not be here in this state of "I am gross." It'll be okay there. I am dreading moving in with my parents. I've spilled my heart out on here, and I think anyone who has read this blog would understand why. I don't want to be treated like a child who still has to report back to her parents.
From my relationship being in shambles, my uncle dying, my relationship then ending, my uncle's funeral, the underlying judgment and assholery of my mom's family, and my nephew busting his mouth... Last week was really bad. You know when people say that one negative comment out of 100 still grabs your attention? Well, every good thing that did happen last week was completely outbalanced by the bad, because the bad was pretty bad.
I don't belong anywhere. I have a new job that I start in June, but that doesn't mean I belong. The worst part is I KNOW I'm depressed. School is ending soon, I'll be in Austria, but those things don't take away my state. I am better this morning than I was last night, but not by much. I feel fat and want to starve myself for a few days. That's how I feel. I feel empty. What was the point of all this? If my family knew the truth about me, they wouldn't love me the same. I'd like to think differently, but I know I'm right.
It gets worse with the fact that Erica is going to be gone all summer. I come back from Austria, and she's in Colorado. Mike is moving to Wisconsin. I'm leaving Grace, so my friends won't be in close quarters anymore. Certain friends of mine are already too busy for me anyway. I almost don't want to take my friend out for her birthday this weekend. She's been so absent. I've tried continually to reach out and see her but she's always busy. It's not like we're even going to talk much when we graduate. She'll be too busy with whatever job she gets and her boyfriend. That's how it goes. Yeah?
Wow, I can't believe how sorry I am sounding for myself. I never wanted to meet this version of me again. I don't want to feel so sorry for myself and be so pitiful. I'm really discouraged. I can leave it at that. I am discouraged, last week was really bad and really painful, I am sad and down, and I don't have much energy. People leave all the time, Friendships end. It's really just the way life goes. But that doesn't make it hurt less. People in my past taught me to never tell anyone you need them. They don't fucking care that you do.
Everything inside of me feels heavy. I look at my body and I feel uncomfortable. I have gained weight, and lost motivation. Sometimes I have spurts of energy, but it's minor. Being here at school complete takes away my motivation. I hate this place. I know that, come summer, I'll be daily active and not be here in this state of "I am gross." It'll be okay there. I am dreading moving in with my parents. I've spilled my heart out on here, and I think anyone who has read this blog would understand why. I don't want to be treated like a child who still has to report back to her parents.
From my relationship being in shambles, my uncle dying, my relationship then ending, my uncle's funeral, the underlying judgment and assholery of my mom's family, and my nephew busting his mouth... Last week was really bad. You know when people say that one negative comment out of 100 still grabs your attention? Well, every good thing that did happen last week was completely outbalanced by the bad, because the bad was pretty bad.
I don't belong anywhere. I have a new job that I start in June, but that doesn't mean I belong. The worst part is I KNOW I'm depressed. School is ending soon, I'll be in Austria, but those things don't take away my state. I am better this morning than I was last night, but not by much. I feel fat and want to starve myself for a few days. That's how I feel. I feel empty. What was the point of all this? If my family knew the truth about me, they wouldn't love me the same. I'd like to think differently, but I know I'm right.
It gets worse with the fact that Erica is going to be gone all summer. I come back from Austria, and she's in Colorado. Mike is moving to Wisconsin. I'm leaving Grace, so my friends won't be in close quarters anymore. Certain friends of mine are already too busy for me anyway. I almost don't want to take my friend out for her birthday this weekend. She's been so absent. I've tried continually to reach out and see her but she's always busy. It's not like we're even going to talk much when we graduate. She'll be too busy with whatever job she gets and her boyfriend. That's how it goes. Yeah?
Wow, I can't believe how sorry I am sounding for myself. I never wanted to meet this version of me again. I don't want to feel so sorry for myself and be so pitiful. I'm really discouraged. I can leave it at that. I am discouraged, last week was really bad and really painful, I am sad and down, and I don't have much energy. People leave all the time, Friendships end. It's really just the way life goes. But that doesn't make it hurt less. People in my past taught me to never tell anyone you need them. They don't fucking care that you do.
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