Hopefully

For the first time in months or maybe years, I have happiness. I know there is no guarantee that this happiness will last forever. I know there are risks in love. My mentality right now is to stop focusing on the chaos and the fear, but to truly pursue the good and the helpful and the healthy. I'm not magically an optimist, but I'm a realist. Realistically, anything can fall apart. But I won't look for problems with him, I won't focus on anything to be jealous of, I won't worry about it he'll open up to me or not. It is so important to just enjoy life, enjoy the moment, enjoy the little things. I am disappointed in myself for the years that I abused myself, emotionally and mentally and sometimes physically. But I won't spend this time sitting here and being angry about past Hannah. I just recognize that I have to continue this journey towards truly taking care of my mind and heart.

Anything can happen. But my emotions were once gone and I thought maybe they would never come back. I don't have to fake pleasure, interest, laughter, smiles, or enjoyment with him. I don't have a heaviness or sadness in my chest during any point while we spend time together. Maybe it's because my standards or expectations for myself and him aren't quite so rigid. Maybe it's because he is truly fantastical and his sweetness is just what I've needed. I know that at the beginning of a romance, there are risks and dangers. I don't want to rush emotions and words and make this becoming overwhelming for either of us. But I'm not afraid at the same time. I might not have fear because I don't have all of my emotions or because I'm truly confident I'll be okay no matter what.

But my heart is in the right place. He should be treated with respect, tenderness, thoughtfulness, kindness, sincerity, and trust. I want to give him something honest and authentic, and real. I want to give myself that. This happiness might not last forever, and he and I may never last past this month, but I have felt something purely good once again. That is something worth smiling about. 

Every Fire Starts with a Spark

Before I get started on the homework I need to, I want to lay out my thoughts and feelings right now. I know that I've been posting a lot on here lately. I cannot predict my own behavior, or even explain what is drawing me to document my thoughts. I want to remember how I feel because I don't know how long it will last, and I also know it is the most pure thing I've experienced in so very long.

Right now, I'm in a small town that's so trusting, homey, and welcoming that there are bikes parked right outside the coffee shop I'm in that aren't even chained up to anything. The owners are probably positioned somewhere in the shop so they can keep their eye on the bikes, but there is nothing truly protecting the bikes from possible thievery. The reality strikes me as weird. But isn't that what my heart should be like? I should set it out there, in the open and unlocked, trusting that no one will steal it and that the true owner will retrieve it when it's time. That may be a shaky metaphor, but it did come to mind. You're welcome.

I also realize that I am taking up the table that is set for four people, while there are couples at tables for one or two. I like my space I suppose. But please Hannah, just remember what it is like in this moment that I am living. I'm listening to "discover" from Spotify, I've been editing photos, and sipping on a mocha for the past two hours or so. Inside of my chest, I can feel it's light state. Through my first experience of pure happiness in years to the heuristic yoga, I am at ease.

The most strange thing I just thought about as that through the years that I've always felt my emotions and experiences so intensely, one of the most incredible feelings I've had has been in the midst of my state of numbness. Isn't that life though? My reaction to the wonderful kiss and electric pulse through my spine into my heart was to thank Jesus. I don't know if that was because it was habit for me or because I truly believe he had a hand in that happening to me. I'm open to that, truly.

Yesterday in my Organizational Behavior class, we did an exercise that taught us there are so many ways to accomplish the same goal. When we realized we could stretch our boundaries and push our ideas, we were faster and more efficient to get to our end goal. What if my beliefs need to be evaluated this same way? The end goal or core belief is have a friendship with Jesus and accept his authority as savior. What if that end goal doesn't include the way I was taught this? I don't have to sing worship songs because I was raised churches that did. I don't have to read my bible daily just because my parents told me I should. I don't have to dress a certain way or not dress a certain way because my mom said I had to. What if I just look for the most efficient way for me to get to the end result, and that's how I live my life?  If there are many ways to do the same job, and a faster way equals the same worth as a slower way, why does it matter if I follow or don't follow someone else's construction of how to get close to Jesus? I should be able to live with the end result that I come to, not them.

I might finally be getting somewhere.

Pick It All Up and Start Again

The last time I felt spark was 3 and a half years ago. There are different loves a person can experience in life, and some people only experience one love. I have felt and held a few. There were loves that ached me so deeply, loves I couldn't touch, and loves I had for a short bit but had to let go of. The strange thing about where my mind has been for so long is that I didn't realize I wasn't fully feeling good things anymore. Because I have grown accustomed to this now, I assume I don't have that feeling or cannot due to depression. I thought that, in the back of my mind, maybe I never would experience butterflies or crazy things. I would feel afraid about that, but I cannot feel much.

I couldn't, until last night that is.

When it comes to describing happiness, I am terrible. I will try my best because he deserves that. The different people I've met and dated, either casually or more "seriously," tend to not be in the same place I am in life. Many times I forced intimacy because I hoped that it would somehow just make that relationship work. Through this experience of being numb, sometimes something would turn me on for a little while but immediately just disinterest me. My brain wouldn't being disgusted but it wouldn't be turned on or engaged thoroughly. I cannot remember the last time my brain and heart clicked, especially since the long season of depression has cast this dark shadow on how I see things.

At first, there was nervous chatter and small talk. The reason wasn't because I didn't know what to talk about, but because I was actually nervous. When I first saw him, my heart wasn't pounding and I experienced nothing intense. I wouldn't expect myself to experience that because of where my mind has been, but I definitely could SENSE something. The way he talks to me is what I enjoy the most. He says he is simple and chill, and I agree, but not for the reason he would probably state. He's simple in the sense that he seeks to simplify things and keep things down to earth. He's chill because he's relaxed, a homebody, and can enjoy his own company. But he has more depth than just being chill and down to earth.

Other people have listened to what I think and they don't know how to respond, can't relate, feel intimidated, and pull away. Our conversation went into more personal depths, and I was forthcoming about where my mind has been the last few months. He didn't just stay quiet, but provided some feedback, understanding, or agreement. When I was confessing my stupid fear of my parents not loving me anymore once they know I have stepped away from their fait,. he asked me more questions about my relationship with them. Then he told me he truly believed my parents would love me no matter what. Instead of telling me, screw what your parents think, or you have to be your own person and they have to get over it, he was kind and encouraging.

Today is his birthday and I was able to be the first to wish him a happy birthday. He drove 2.5 hours just to see me for 6 hours. No person has ever done that before. A five hour drive, there and back, to see me for just a little longer than he was in his car. I'd do that for someone. I have done that for someone. But he's the first to do that for me. I want to show that kind of consideration, care, and thoughtfulness toward him, I couldn't help but just look at him, and study his features and face. I want to keep making him smile because his dimples give me flutters in my stomach. He even said, my face hurts from smiling so much. I tried to tell him that if he was a fruit, he'd be a fine-apple, but I botched it. We laughed. When I would look at him, he told me it made him nervous and feel things, and it was like I was gazing into his soul. I said I probably was.

When I hugged him at the end of our date, I noticed he's the perfect height for me to rest my head on his chest. I had the thought in my mind, when I had just looked at him while we sat in my car talking, that I just wanted him to kiss me, but I shook that thought. But there I stood hugging him until he pulled back. So, I looked up at him. Before I could think "What's happening" he kissed me, ever so softly. He continued to kiss me, but instead of making them deep kisses, he would part my lips with his and give a gentle kiss, pull back, and repeat. He broke the kiss to say, is that what you were waiting for? My face just felt heat, and I said, yes, and smiled. He began to kiss me again, the same sweet, tender kisses, while we both smiled. Suddenly, I felt this chill run from my back, up to my neck, and into my lips.

I got to my room, and I started laughing, then crying, and crying hard. My heart felt happiness, and my heart felt joy. I finally felt happiness, and it was intense. It wasn't a sliver, it wasn't a taste, but it was pure and it was real. It is real. I shutter over replaying last night in my head. I felt spark. My experience of the happiness emotion was the most overwhelming thing I've experienced since my depression took me by surprise. 

Smile More

Why has it been so long since I've written a positive message? Consistently, my blog posts here have been focused around me processing negative energies, or discussing hurtful things. I know I tend to write out those thoughts and feelings because they are the majority, and writing them sometimes is like writing them out of my body. Every time I try to write out something else, the subject returns back to my mental state. So, I will try to push past the natural drift and write something else.

On Tuesday, I met someone with deep dimples and an easy smile. The scenario would be more romantic if we had met just through friends. but we met online first. A lot of my close friends or people I care deeply about have been my online friends. I don't have anything against meeting online. In one of his pictures, he was with my friend's boyfriend, and that's one reason I wanted to get to know him. If he's friends with my friend, then I could judge his character based off that. Plus, I really don't see this friend very often, and figured it would give me an opportunity to see her. 

The first sign of an interesting person is the plans they make with you the first time you are going to hang out. He invited me to hangout with him, my friend, and her boyfriend at a bar that has retro games. I definitely need to go back to that bar because the games are free, and buying a drink is optional. He and I played several games against each other, and I beat him in all of them except one. That's the funny part - I had never played most of those games and he had. He wasn't a sore loser though. He would laugh or smile, which I liked because of his dimples. 

Sometimes meeting online can hinder communication in person. Texting or messaging can be easier for some people, and talking in person takes a bit more time. I know, at first, I can be a bit anxious and nervous in first meeting someone, but then I can relax. I know that the mental state I'm in, and not feeling all my emotions, has affected the way I deal with communication. I didn't have any uncomfortable feelings that he and I didn't talk in depth, because I know realistically it wasn't necessary for the first time hanging out. I was also catching up with my friend who I hadn't seen in 9 months. 

The first sign of an interested person is the effort they make to see you again. My co-worker Greg said to me back in August that I needed to stop trying to make myself be a part of a guy's world. A guy who is truly interested will go to great lengths to see the girl he likes. Distance won't be a problem for him. And that the guy should make the effort this time. Okay. I'm not against me making effort. I put in time and energy because that's how I show interest/love. (I don't mean romantic love, just love in the broad sense.) I want to drive an hour to see someone because 1. I like long drives, 2. That person means a lot to me. I drove an hour to see my good friend B for our girls night, and drove an hour back. Totally worth it. All I care about is that the person makes equal effort back in either sacrificing the distance, or by doing other special things that show me they care. 

I would be afraid that I'll never feel intense, deep feelings again if I had the emotions to. or maybe I wouldn't. I can't really say. I do want to experience that again for someone, but I mostly want to laugh and trust that we'll work through things. If I can have friendships like the one with B, and we've not had any major problems with each other, I am certain there is a male that I can have this type of relationship with. I won't be all weird and hopeful that THIS is the guy, you know? But I will treat this person well. It could be I'll never be satisfied, and if that's who I am, I've learned to accept me. I'm sure that if I don't want to be that way, I'll find a way to reshape my mindset. 

There is a mild level of excitement in my chest to see how this will expand and happen. He wants to visit me when I'm back at school even though it's a two and half hour drive. All he said to that was, I like long drives for the music. That made me smile. 

New Year, but I was Already a New Me

I've already fixed a few "16's" on dates, but the new year is only a few days in. Sometimes the mistakes I make can be corrected, but their so obviously scribbled over, and there's no way to hide them. I saved my reflection post or blog entry for today, but not today specifically. Most people, when they look at me, will still see the me they believe I am. For those who don't know more of who I am, but think they do, I've left them in the dark for reasons. Don't worry. I won't keep being so vague. Oh, that promise is for this post, not in general. I don't think my preference of ambiguity will truly go away, but I won't say "never" because I didn't think I'd be functioning the way I am at all. I mean that literally. I never imagined I'd be who I am on the inside.

Nostalgia is a problem. Seriously, it doesn't really help me to look back at old photos so often, but at the same time I truly love those memories. I am glad I pushed myself through some of those memories, and I am glad I didn't photograph the shit out of some of them so I could hold them preciously just in my mind and heart. I don't know where I'll be in a month, but when I landed here just a few months ago, it was a slow process that seemed so suddenly just because my depression took away my emotions. Maybe I should just say my mind did it. I know others have been through worse trauma, but the last year and a half were very hard. I won't say that last year was a terrible year because I became a better me. I know that different people I know would say, if they knew where I am at in my head, that I am not a better me. I don't care. The Hannah that exists today, right now, in 2017, is the strongest, bravest, and realest Hannah there's ever been. The other Hannahs didn't make it to this year. I did.

Sometimes I think about my past selves as different people. In reality, they're all different versions of me, but they don't seem like me anymore. One reason I like looking at pictures, or reading old entries, and old poems, is because I want to see who I was. I'd send my voice back in time to other me's and tell them we made it, and we're okay. I am so sorry to past me for being a bully and hurting myself, and not trying to see what potential I had. I won't wish to go back because I don't want to. I'd be tempted to change something, and I know I shouldn't. The parts of me that are dead and gone should just stay that way now. If God exists, he can change that if he cares. But I've been the one to get myself through everything I've faced. I chose my path that led me to others who have helped me.

I didn't write this on my resolutions list for this year, but I know I want to be more real with people. The hardest confession will be that I don't trust God anymore. I believe he exists. Well, I believe a higher being exists, definitely. But I don't trust in the God that I was told I had to. I have a lot of anger and hurt in that area, and I know I need to face it. I want space to face it. I want to be upfront with my family and tell them that their faith isn't for me right now, and that I need to learn this and find God on my own. I don't want preaching at me, I don't want discipleship, and I don't need condemnation. I just need space. I want to breathe and learn things on my own. I've already pursued that before, by studying the bible and discussing it with close friends, and reading books by theologians. It's not like God wasn't working for me and I said, see ya I want benefits. No. God is supposed to send us his spirit, and he went cold, and hid himself from me. If I ever really felt God anyway. I'm tired of being told all these rules and ways to live that are truly preference of my family, but they've engrained it into their brains that it is "of the bible" because it's their prefered translation.

Forgive me. I don't mean to sound hateful and angry at them. I do have hurts there, but I just want freedom from this binding belief system. They say you find freedom in Christ, but I found let down and chains. I have a mental disease partly because of this belief system. I want my own. I don't know what it will look like, but I want the space to decide that. Part of this is also because I just want to dress how I want to dress, I want to date who I date, I want to write what I write, and I want to find a God that actually cares about me, that I don't have to convince myself I'm experiencing. I won't ask for anything huge, but Jesus, if you want me, come to me. That's all I have to say about it.

This change, my thoughts on beliefs and religion and myself, has been gradual and not sudden. But I think it slowly creeped up on me that once it was here, it took me by surprise. But I am free. I am free and I can still be real, and honest, and be love. I will thrive because I am deciding that is who I will become. My determination pushes me forward, and I haven't left myself room to give up. My thoughts change, and I don't let my emotions control everything. I still have depression and I still have anxiety, but I realized that, and it cannot blindside me again. 

Sour

When I started writing this post, I had about one full paragraph, but then somehow it was backspaced and deleted. So, I'm starting from scratch again. Honestly, that's sometimes how it looks daily; I am starting over again and again. 2016 has been a very strange year for those of us around me, and I'm not sure what to even begin writing down as hopes for next year. I don't want to stop pursuing the goals and hopes I noted back in December 2015. These are things that make sense, and some are ones that I should never stop doing or pursuing. I want to continue this growth, but I know that where I am at right now is far from where I was when I originally wrote that list. It seems like we often look back on our past self and think, "You silly thing. You knew nothing." But how funny is it that 2015 me said the same thing about 2014 me, and so on and so forth? This changing and reshaping evolution never ends, and damn, I am thankful. The tension of expansion and growth is hurtful and achy, but it is necessary.

This intense season of depression I am emerging from caused a huge part of me to die and get left behind. I read from a Huntington Post article that each time deep depression occurs, a part of us dies: a good part or a bad part. We lose something. I lost much of my normal way of processing and dealing with anything. I used to lead with my feelings and "heart." Because my feelings switched off for a long while, I had to cope with my brain. Using logic, sense, critical examination, and reason to figure out myself, my place, my mental disorder, and how to fight through the lack of energy and lack of emotion was so contrary to my normal function. Now I coming through as a person with less "feeling" tendencies and more "thinking" tendencies. How can depression completely reshape how someone processes life? Is that possible? Or have I been pushed so far over the edge that the only way to progress was to stop feeling and start thinking? I hate limbo and tension, but that is what I live in. How can someone be conscious of something being nonsensical and just being OKAY with that.

What remains on the surface of my thoughts is that my questions and uncertainty will never be satisfied and that the next person will tell me that I just have to "live with it." I don't want to live with it, I'm angry that I let religion and faith dictate my whole life when all it seems to be is a feeling and something I convince my brain that I am experiencing. There is no proof that providence exists, that miracles aren't accidents, and that there is life after death. We see what we want to see. We believe what we want to believe. We create images and ideas and feelings with our brains. How can we trust that all of this we are "processing" or accepting isn't just our brain playing tricks on us? How do I know that my brain isn't screwing with me right now? I have a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance! How can I trust my brain AT ALL? Religion is a feel good, afterlife guarantee dream that people have told stories about from generation to generation so they believe that everything happens for a reason, and so they can feel better about themselves. There are tests done that show people who think more positively are more likely to experience positive things than those who do not, or those who think more logically/realistically.

I don't know what to believe because every angle seems to take nonsensical faith. I want to believe many of the things I was forced to learn as a child - I had no options. Maybe if the people around me taught me in ways that weren't so damaging and forceful and as if there is no other religion that could possibly make sense, maybe I'd be able to say, "Yeah, I accept that I am deciding this is truth and this is real." But no. They taught me to be adamant that I AM RIGHT about which religion is the "only true religion", that the bible is infallible, and that if you don't agree with everything in it, you aren't and can't be a Christian. I've seen people abuse their positions, abuse their loved ones, and fake their way to top leadership, and screw everyone else. I've seem pornography and rape culture be dismissed, women be treated like after thoughts or property or THE PROBLEM, children oppressed and misused, and men never take responsibility.

 I am sick of being told I'm vile or wicked or sinful or worthless without a god. I'm sick of being told to love myself while being told to surrender myself and die to myself. These cliches mean nothing coming from the lips of those who are merely restating words they don't even feel or mean. I don't know what to believe. I want to be kind, good, loving, understanding, faithful, hopeful, real.. because that is who I should be, not because Jesus tells me to be or because I'll get into heaven if I believe in Jesus, not because I'll fucking get anything in return. But because THIS is who I should be, without reward of an afterlife. People don't question their faith because they don't want to risk not going to heaven, and that is stupid. I can't just "choose" Jesus because I don't want to risk not going to heaven. I want to be real, I want my love or faith to be because I am convinced of this person being worthy of faith, and trust, not because I gain anything. And don't tell me that is what you're doing, too. No. You're scared of being wrong and dying forever. I've been self-righteous for too long, and I want to walk away from that. I just want answers and experiences, beyond feelings and beyond critical thinking. 

Depression is a Quiet Darkness

The more I learn from school or pleasure reading, or podcast listening, or conversations with professors, the more my mind expands. I appreciate the ways that my education has pushed me to expand in ways I never would have imagined. I try to adapt my language and word usage to the communication style I've been taught is most effective or appropriate. My writing styles have developed, changed, bettered, and are enriched with stronger, more descriptive words. I didn't used to think I needed to learn how to express myself better, but now that I have been taught ways to write that I never knew existed, my options are unlimited. The only thing that seems limiting is me. No, I meant to use the word in that way. I am limiting, limiting my potential, my possibilities, and my drive. How am I doing that? I will try to explain.

I don't know how to ask for help, nor do I truly believe that it is acceptable for me to do so. I continually am told by friends or family that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. However, they are telling me this while they are on the sidelines, and not asking anyone for help in that moment. I'm the youngest of four children, raised in a family where I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. I thought that if I didn't look like I had it figured out, like I was okay on the inside, that I wasn't going to be loved or accepted, understood or cared for, listened to or validated. No, my parents didn't do or say things that made me think this way in particular. The only thing my parents did was cause me to be in an atmosphere where I connected with people who led me to think this way. I have a hard time asking for help because I thought I would fail either way, and I would just be embarrassed further. I thought that my parents would be more proud if I somehow magically had my shit together without needing them, needing anyone, and by me responding with the right answers. I hate telling anyone that I'm a mess because I grew up thinking I needed to hide the sadness, the emotional turmoil, the helplessness, the disconnect, and the depression I've had since I was a kid. 

Why am I exposing myself to you now? The more I learn, the more I see how necessary it is to contribute my thoughts to the giant mess of networking that exists out there. In all the negative messages that occur on your newsfeed, here is my message with a snippet of my story. This is so that maybe the belief I deeply hold that my purpose in life to connect with others in a deep way can still actually happen despite the fact that I am severely depressed and have little to no drive to keep any connection with anyone whatsoever. For those who don't understand this type of depression or depression in general, it isn't being sad or grumpy or pessimistic. There is no root cause or pinpoint problem when I talk about depression; it is a complete imbalance in my brain. Yes, it is a real thing and I'm not asking for prayers, thoughts, or attention to ME on this. What I want to narrow in on is that there is still no excuse for me to ever give up, even when every part of my being is wrestling against itself, limiting itself, and telling itself to shut down and stay in bed. 

I'm not asking for help, especially since I've never been good at doing so. As I continue to study communications, I see how necessary it is to continue to connect with people, even when my brain tells me it doesn't matter anymore. I see how necessary it is to mimic the appropriate nonverbal expressions or use similar language or facial expressions as my friends even when my emotions are numb and my interest is nonexistent. Who I am to my core still exists despite how far away my body and brain seem to be from each other. Who I am still exists despite my uncertainty of everything I've thought, believed, or hoped, or trusted. I am limiting myself when I think I can't ask for help, I am limiting myself if I stop reaching out to friends even when my brain tells me I don't care anymore, I am limiting myself if I choose to stay in bed and hide, and I don't want to limit myself anymore. 

The reason I haven't posted anything in a long time is because I didn't know exactly how to describe where my mind has been the last few months. I daily am accepting each state of mind I am in, and learning to take care of myself as I learn more of who I am in this depression. If I haven't responded to you, if I haven't reached out, if I haven't tried to see you or do what I normally would in our friendship/relationship, I am sorry. I truly haven't been my full self for a while, and I am seeking out guidance and healing through it. I am not crying out for help or support or words of encouragement because honestly your words probably won't be received as well as you mean them, mostly because I cannot process things as I normally do - my brain is overworking itself. The most important thing I have been learning in all of this is that I still have to be real with people and be real with myself. I refuse to lie about or hide who I am, what I am facing, and what I think. 

My life motto is as follows: Be brave, be free, be love, and be real.

Despite what I feel or don't feel, because it seems like my feelings have been switched off, I am completely pursuing to represent my motto, whether my brain tells me I want to or not. Instead of just sending prayers or thoughts up for me, DO something. Seek out how you can be brave, be free, be love, and be real with the world around you. Seek out ways to stop limiting yourself, and pursue your potential. Seek to make yourself expand because you shouldn't use any excuses, just as I shouldn't.

If you have had similar experiences, or are having similar experiences as I am, don't be afraid to reach out to me. If you want to talk to me about what depression is and what's going on with me, I don't mind and please reach out to me. If you have any questions or thoughts, or if you want to encourage me, I am not opposed to that at all, just know the point of this wasn't to make anyone pity me or feel sorry for me.