Say What You Mean, Tell Me I'm 'Write'

All I've got for you, in the time I have not posted, is a poem I wrote a few days ago, nearly a week.


Thinking about you makes me feel pathetic
I've gotten no reply, crosses my mind
That you're with someone better.
And they say "Stay strong"
That it'll do me some good to just step aside,
But I can see your face when I close my eyes

Poem after poem, my words aren't good enough.
I could never make you stay.
Kiss after kiss, your taste still fresh on my lips.
It seems so quickly, you run away.

From the start, you had it figured out, my dear.
Reeled me in, but forgot to drain the water out.
Now you've left me here to drown.
And they say "Be confident"
It's gonna work out, but they're looking from the outside.
They don't know that I fall apart when I look into your eyes.

There's a gnawing
A tearing inside my heart.
I'm a glass about to break.
Like a clock or wall
That will crumble apart
How long until I break?

Charged like a circuit.
And you've stolen my heart
Like a thief. You raced away.
You could say, I'm undone
But that's not enough.
Without you, I'm incomplete

But that's okay.
Don't worry about me.
I can forget you just as fast as I met you.
Or so I say.
Or so I'll make it seem.

I'm A Little Tired Of...

It is hard to find love these days. I've been on a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon today, so this topic has been on my mind. I'm not sure if I really agree with matchmaking. It seems superficial and forced. Can you really make something work with a complete stranger? I guess, you do have to set aside time to get to know the person. But with this show, people learn the negative things about someone right away. For me, this is not usually the case. The dark and dirty isn't revealed straightaway. Of course, I have experienced the awkward first dates that are a complete turn off. But you aren't going to learn all there is to know in one or two dates.

Relationships are all superficial, it seems. They are all about physical, and talents and attraction. It's all competition. I cannot stand fighting against the person I am supposed to be "working with". No one stays around for the long run. I hate when a guy says "I'm not like all the other guys" but funny thing is, all the other guys say the same damn thing. I'll be the judge of that, sir. I am so discouraged when in a relationship. It's never enough, and I'm never enough. There never seems to be a balance between dependence and interdependence, and independence.

This game is lonely. They are either too overwhelming, or they completely ignore you. I cannot understand how someone just leaves you hanging. I do not believe any person is worth wasting time over. If they make you wait and wait, they obviously are not worried about you. They would commit if they really cared. If you are just so uncertain where you stand with someone, MOVE ON. You cannot make someone happy if he will not let you. And you should also not be in a relationship where the guy is over powering. It is uncomfortable and awful.

I'm sorry my rant makes no sense. I am in a pathetic situation myself, and I am confused. I cannot handle what's going on. I just need a break from "romance" but it seems, once I'm "in the market" I am not left alone. No room to breathe. Except, the person I want to be with, they just put a wall between us, and they are unreachable. I'm feeling like "sdhfaosdhfoavnudoiua ashvnauadsfoifbaodfy nsayofbvyasofyda" so confused. I am so tired of this bullshit.

Just A Short Update

Today is my last day of classes. All there is to do is take the finals. I'm excited to be done with my first semester of college. It has been an interesting semester, full of crazy events and the like. I'm ready for a break and to just work. I am beginning to really like my job, but I don't scheduled often enough.

I promise to go on a rant as soon as I'm not so overwhelmed. Things have been so frustrating in the past couple months. Especially amongst my family. I just hope that nothing problematic happens during the holidays.

Jesus, I Pray

Days like today, I just feel so humiliated. It's not that I was openly embarrassed. I just feel that way. Seeing as to the fact that I am not ignorant of what goes on around me, I feel left out. Or pushed out. It's hard to invest in something knowing you could lose it all. In the pessimistic view, there's no point in investing in something when you know you will lose it anyway. The reality is, there's a 50/50 chance. Glass half empty/glass half full. The point is, there is a chance. There is liquid left in the glass. There's still something there.

This was not meant to reflect on chances and hopes. Just another rant on something that frustrates me. Many times, I wish I could review my life and make the necessary tweaks here and there, erase, rewind, pause, fast forward. I would renew things I let go, and let go of things I held too tightly to. I would tell myself a thing or two, tell me not to be so negative, tell me to love myself and not let others push me around so much, but to make sure I don't treat others harshly. But I cannot remember all the wrongs or rights I have done in the past, because it's gone. The best thing to do is let go of wrongs.

I feel so embarrassed. Angry, even, to some extent.
And aggravated.
But how could I have changed if no one forgives? How can I change if I have done no wrong?
How can I know what's necessary to happen if no one explains?

There are so many petty things that people worry about these days. Relationships. Biggest one. There is jealousy, anxiety, hurt, disappointment, excitement, fulfillment, let down.

I guess, what I'm trying to admit to, what I'm trying to say is...
I've never met someone who was "it"
Who was everything I needed.
There are only two things that I want most before I die and that is to be close with Jesus Christ, and the second is to have a Faithful Friend and to have been a Faithful Friend for that same individual.

And Everyone Goes Ca-RAY-Zee

Right now, I am sitting in Econ class. U have gotten so far behind on homework, that if my parents knew, they would cry. They have such high expectations of me, it seems. I am not the smartest child in the family, but I am not the dumbass. Haha my sisters are very hard workers, and I am mediocre. When it comes to school. I'm not a straight A student. I do what I can, and I don't brag when I do well. It doesn't matter to me for people to praise my grades. I like helping people.

I have such a hard time being okay with weaknesses and needing help. I always wonder if that's an okay thing. Growing up, I always felt like in competition. I was never good enough, but I needed to be better than the weakest link. I've always been right there in the middle. I tend to settle with making it through. I do what needs to be done to get by with the littlest amount of frustration. Or at least try to.

It's hard for me to focus on individual goals an expectations. I am so ADD that I cannot just think about one thing at a time. I have a hard time not being distracted. Sometimes, I will being talking about one thing, see something, and then completely change the subject. Or my mind goes off and just wanders. But sometimes it is entertaining to others, and my ADD can cause inspiration for good ideas and topics.

So, I guess, in essence, chaos can be beneficial.

Inspiration: Come to me!

Right now, I'm in writer's block. I need to come up with a topic for my final paper for my English class. It's a Cultural Analysis paper, and my teacher said it's pretty open ended, but I have no idea what to write about. I'm not sure exactly what is considered acceptable. I don't want to do another "historical" paper, but I do love history. Especially ancient history. I wouldn't mind that, but my teacher is a huge fan of that sort of topic. I don't know how much freedom I have.

I figured I would blog, and type a lot, and just maybe, I would come up with some topic. It probably doesn't help that I am listening to Enrique. Yeah. I'm sure it doesn't. It makes me want to go out dancing, and partying. I am ready for school to be OVER. Next week <3 I am so ready.

A few topic ideas I had, they don't sound so clever anymore. I want to finish this class strong, like my papers usually are, and even when I think something isn't my best, it ends up being really good, which completely surprises me. It seems, I pull through, even when I don't think I can. I do all I can, and somehow, it ends up being good enough, even when it never seemed like it was. I realized, sometimes, negativity isn't all there is. Life sometimes does brighten up. And when it does, I grab that sunrise, and pull it into my heart to hold close forever.

Well, it's been over an hour since I took a break from typing. I think I'm done for now. Maybe I will feel more inspired in the morning.

Adios!

It's Crazy, But Have I Told You...

Lately, I've been really having a hard time with moving on. It's not the whole "I still have feelings" issue. There really aren't any left to fight over. But I guess I feel jealous. Jealous that things have not gotten better for me and seem to have for someone else. I am jealous that they are happy again and I haven't moved on yet. It is a foolish feeling because I know that I could never be fully happy with them, ever, and it isn't that I would want to be with them, period. It's the fact that they don't seem to care that there was something special, and they treat it lightly.

It's been said that if you were ever really lovers, you can never just be friends. I completely agree. But at the same time, you could be friends, and the other person just refuses to make the right effort, or they are not worth the contact. Sometimes, the break up is permanent and no friendship is necessary. There is no need to carry on unnecessary hurt. I do that to myself, but I try to not throw myself back at the feet of someone I was in a relationship with. If it didn't work one time, who says you should try again? It's not like you're married. There are MORE people in the world besides that one person.

Yet, I wonder: How much can I love, how many breaks can my heart take, and how many can I love, 'til there's not enough of my heart left for that "one"? Eventually, there's going to be a fall out, a crash, and it will be severe, and there will be no way to save it. There will be no way to repair, or fix or mend.  But at the same time, will we ever want to try again once we realize how much pain these things cause? Is it really necessary?

When it's focused on feelings, nothing will last. That's why nothing has lasted. Feelings aren't constant, or consistent. They change.

From a Fellow College Student to Another

I normally do not allow myself to ever hate anyway. Hate is such a strong word, and it can mean much more than strongly disliking someone. Hate can lead to cruel thinking and behavior, and so if I ever say "hate", I only mean strongly dislike. I could never hate something enough, I believe, to kill or really hurt, purposefully. But I do have someone that, due to what they have done to me, said, acted, etc, I have had some cause to hate them. 


People who are controlling, perverted, bullies, sick jerks... They drive me insane. And yes, this defines the person I am talking about. They are no longer in my life, which is excellent, but it was hard to take charge and force them out. They had a lot of control over me. And that is a very scary thought. No one should have so much control over you where you are willing to do things you normally wouldn't do in order to please them. That's just wrong, plain and simple. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do. 


I am usually good about this. If I don't want to do something, even as simple as hanging out, I usually find a way to talk myself out of it. I generally know how to say no, thank you. But sometimes, when someone knows that the full throttle attack won't work, they will break you down, little by little. They will subtly introduce something into your life that normally you wouldn't accept, but by the time it's "full throttle" they have already engraved it into you.. just by taking baby steps. That's the smoothest move anyone could take, and sadly, it works most of the time. And sometimes, after it's already occurred, the "victim" knows what's going on. Yet, they don't put a stop to it...because that person. they just care sooo much about. WELL, HELL, if they really cared, they wouldn't be so damn controlling AF. Get real. They don't give a shit. 


Don't put yourself in a situation where YOU are not in control of yourself. Don't give that to someone else. (exception: if you are sick or at the doctors, etc) Peer pressure is messed up, and I have never really been one to give into it. If I don't have a drive for something, I don't usually do it. That's just me. But when someone is trying to make you do something, and you don't really feel like doing it (for various reasons), don't let them talk you into it. Plain and simple. They are worthless to you. No person is worth your while if you they won't respect what you say. 


Even if it's just a guy trying to convince you to him (or a girl), and you say "Uh, I don't like you" and he doesn't respect that, he is NOT worth your while. He needs to back off. It's rude, and bullying, and controlling. I wouldn't ever force myself on someone. Or try to make them think they like me when they clearly don't. It's stupid. People need to learn that they should respect others and not be so damn controlling and pressuring. 


I have tried hard to kick those ass holes out of my life. I don't need someone else telling me what I should or shouldn't do, especially if I don't feel comfortable with what they are saying. Never let someone force you into a situation you DON'T feel comfortable with. If someone is telling you, "get in the car" and (you know them of course) you don't feel comfortable being alone with them, keep walking, or even call your parents, the cops, or someone you trust that will stay on the phone with you. 


I cannot stress how important it is to stand up for yourself, and not to let someone push you around. It has caused me SO many problems when I didn't put my foot down, and the past two years, I have really been learning to do that. And it takes away so much stress. Honest to goodness. (but not all stress, I will add.) Just be wise with who you choose as friends, and who you listen to. You can be friends with those kinds of people, but DON'T be close. No. It is foolish. Be smart. 

Just so I can say I did..

I believe it has been a while since I ranted on anything. Again, I don't want to get into deep thought at the moment. I have been continually getting caught up in these long debates/discussions with both of my parents, and I am so tired of their ramblings. I mean, yes, I do appreciate the conversations, but sometimes they just never end. There comes to a point where the discussion just needs to close, but then it doesn't. Sometimes I just hate to hear myself talk.

This week I have a few big things going on. I am working on a big project with some friends tomorrow afternoon for my Humanities class. Tomorrow and Thursday I have orientation for my new job! :) And then, Thursday I have the presentation due. I can't make it to one of my classes due to orientation, so I have double work ahead for me. My research paper's rough draft is due next week, so I have to haul-ass and begin working on it. My teacher is confusing me because she told me my topic was boring...but then I came up with a new one and she told me "No!" even though it is FASCINATING! Seriously. Let's just be difficult and not let Hannah know WHAT to do.

I have been also doing more bible study. It has been so refreshing.

Another thing. Proactiv shit. I do not know if it really works. My acne is NOT going away, or necessarily getting worse. It's just... bleh. GOSH. I've been using this for two weeks now. Results, please? Acne, go away? :/

and I am SOOO glad Daylight Savings is over for now, except that it's dark at 4 p.m. I do not enjoy that.

It looks like this blog doesn't have much importance of a topic. Hopefully soon I will have some wise words or deep thoughts for you all. Today, or I should say, the past couple weeks, I have been writing poetry, and not blogging. I have been thinking and not typing. So much pressure. So much controversy. So much stress. So much disappointment. I'm working on this. I can fix it all in time.

Until then.
Peace.

It's A No Brainer

Hello everyone.
I realize I have never started an entry that way, but there is always time to do new things, right? I like discovering things I overlooked, and seeing things from a different perspective. I love going on a nature walk to pay attention to the details. I tend to go to the same parks just so I can see how they change with the seasons. Just like the leaves on the trees, we are constantly changing. It might not show 'til way later, but we are. Hopefully we don't fall to the ground and become crunchy so that an ADD person has to go out of their way to step on us to here that "crackle" sound. I know, WAAAAY off topic. I am definitely ADD myself. ;) 


Today I went to the Mall to be with my sissy guy friend while he got his ears pierced. He said "I don't want to do this alone." So, I got there just in time...and another FRIEND was there already. He just wanted to see me, I know. But still. I was there for 5 minutes. Bleh. BUT I did get a job application from Bath & Body Works. I need a job desperately. I am running out of money. :/ 


I don't know if I had any thoughts I needed to share today. Mostly that tomorrow will be nice. Two of my classes were cancelled, and I can just spend the day out at Panera studying and working on my two HUGE essays. Econ and English. I still can't figure out what to discuss for my English research paper. My Econ one is about Monopolies. I don't think my prof for that class will be too hard on the grading. Heck, I originally had a D on the midterm and he changed it to a C. Gotta love those lax teachers :D


I've been working on this new song of mine. It's called Biggest Fear. I have been really poetic lately, probably due to what's been going on in my life. It's kinda the only way I feel away from all the stress and frustration. It's like a release. Some drink, some smoke, I write. That's how I get calm, and cooled. 


Well, I don't have anything inspiring to say today, I supposed. I'm ready for a job. I'm ready for my new MAJOR, and I'm ready for the start of something new. hmmm. 

Now We're Too Far Gone

When have I gone too far? When is enough, enough? When is crossing the line going to destroy me? I wonder at this phenomenon. I would rather hurt someone, cause them pain or frustration than to give into love, and give into the unknown. It does have to do with fear. Fear blinds me. I think I have to be in control, I think I have to known where to place my feet, I think I have to have it figured out, I cannot just do. It is nonsensical, it is problematic, but sometimes thinking things through too much will only take up the time I could be spending to DO. 

I sit here, pondering, is it worth it? But I do not take a chance, I do not take the dare, but even in the game, I refuse to tell the truth as well. I am the coward, I am the fraud, I am the one hiding behind a facade. I withdraw, I hold back, I put up defenses, I stagger, I fall, I beat down, and I surround myself with a brick wall. I want to seem invincible, I want to seem untouchable, I want to seem unreachable, and I turn cold.  

But in the end, I am alone. I push and push, 'til I have finally caused who I love to hate me. I demean, I disrespect, I hide behind the seams, and I lose everything. I seem to be forgetting what this life is about. I forget that my strength is just a security blanket, conceals my real reflection. I am weak. I am salt. I am a grain of sand. I am nothing. I self-destruct on the inside, but turn stone cold on the outside.  

 Is it okay to fall apart? Is it okay to not be strong? Is it okay to let everyone see I do not have anything together, that I am a hopeless mess, that I am weak, I am defeated, I am angry, and I am a pushover? No one wants to be on the back burner, but is spite the answer? After all I have learned, after how I've been treated, shouldn't I know better? Shouldn't I want to LIVE better? Shouldn't I want to prove that I am invincible by living, enjoying, learning, and breathing? 

I want to learn to be different than this. I want to live optimistically. I want to smile for no reason other than the fact I am breathing and living a new day. I want to be strong. I want to be warm. I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be open. I want to be free. I want to be free to fall apart in your arms and not have to worry if you will leave. I want to close the door to old pain and hurt. I want to let go of the past. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to pursue happiness.  

 

These Photographs, They Haunt Me...

It's funny what you find out about yourself. You think you've got yourself covered, you know all there is, but then suddenly an event arises and you are staring in the mirror, in shock, wondering "How the hell did I miss that? Who am I even looking at anymore?" It seems that no matter what, pain brings out who we really are. It's almost like the Joker says in the movie when he tells the jail guard that he knows his friends better than he ever had. People in their last moments reveal what they are really like. And it seems that that is VERY true. Not necessarily in "the last moments" but pertaining to the idea of hurt and pain. How you deal with it shows how you really deal with everything. 

And pain doesn't just pass with time, and you recover. You have to WANT to heal. I find that many times, I would rather bury it inside, cry myself to sleep with no one around than to let it go. It never makes sense to choose pain over happiness, or anger over love. But sometimes, you can't take more than what you already have. Sometimes love is too overwhelming. Pain can be as well, only if you are not in constant turmoil with yourself as it is. I do not like to share what pains me. I share what frustrates me;  I vent. But I tend to shy away and lock up when it comes to what really goes on in my head and in my heart. I have never found someone who can understand. 

It's hard to find someone who can relate to you in the ways you need. Not just in interests and activities: There's so much more! For me, there is so much more to me than just what I do. I think so much. I feel so deeply. And to have that all uncovered, to unmask me, I'd feel naked and lost. I do not want to be discovered, or figured out. I don't want to be special, or happy because of SOMEONE else's pressure or influence. There are people out there who will only be around just to get a grasp on understanding you, learning what they need to know, and then POOF! They never come back. 

It's a vicious cycle - this life. You may be unstable, you may be secure. Where you stand may be uncertain and everything you lean upon may be pulled away. The people you trust may keep you safe, or tear you down. But time won't ever stop, the earth won't stop spinning, life will just go on. I am searching for that one person who makes me feel safe, who pulls close, who is certain, secure, stable, who doesn't make me feel alone, who understands my feelings, my thoughts, and won't let go. 

Keep My Helmet On Just In Case...

I decided to find a poem from a long time ago that I wrote on today's date. I like looking back and seeing if I can remember what I was thinking about back then.
This particular one is dated back in 2006.

Startin' all over again
Was it all just pretend?
Cos I've got a wound
It doesn't heal
Those words unspoken
Cos my lips are sealed
I fumble in my mind
But it turns cold
No trace of life
No signs of boldness

It's all in everything you've ever wanted.
It's all in everything you dreamed
But what if it's all changing?
It's all rearranging.
Cos it's caving in.

Climbing back over
The waves rollin'
It's all just an illusion
Let's go, no one's callin'
What if I
Realized that
Climbing underneath my skin
Is just what is rippin' it
A soul of a wind that brings chill
And there's no trace of life
No signs of boldness.

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
Nothing left to find you
Does good ever do?
Can anyone find  me a reason
To smile like they do?
No trace of life
No sign of boldness

What will change the impact
Of the world's philosophy
Cos it's just slammed together
Which makes humanity
It's cavin' in.

Worth your while for a minute...

This week has been really rough for me. I finally stood up for myself and did the best thing: telling that person I mentioned in a prior blog that I had enough. I cannot benefit from a friendship where I am constantly being criticized, put down, treated like shit, swore at. I deserve respect. I am a whole hearted friend. So, once I am invested in someone, I do EVERYTHING for them. I rarely ever tell them no, I drop everything for their convenience, I put up with their rudeness, and attitudes, but I HAD enough. I have had a close friend who was always self-centered since I was 7 years old. It's time I actually only kept the people who treat me with dignity close. They say to keep your friends close and enemies closer, but I don't find a difference in friends to enemies at times. Enemies can't hurt you like friends can. If everyone knows you and another person have it out for one another, they will know that if you say something untrue about the other, that it's just crap only meant to bother the other person.

It's so frustrating that you cannot rely on people for too much. It's not that I am so trusting, I am not. I am so giving of my time, effort, self, and money for friends that take that for granted. Now, I am not trying to brag and say I am this amazing friend. I do have a good reputation. BUT I do invest a lot of myself into my close friends, and not enough in the others who actually would be better for me. Usually the "friends" that force themselves upon me into the "close friends" slot, they are the ones that end up driving me INSANE because I do EVERYTHING I can to please them, and it's NEVER enough.

This isn't meant to be a journal. My point is again about friendships: why stay in a friendship when you are treading glass? or thin ice as the saying may go. No one should make you feel inferior to them, especially if you have done much more for the relationship to work than they ever have. They have NO RIGHT to put you down, they are more than likely jealous, insecure, just selfish and self-centered, absorbed, obsessed, or even psychotic. <- Not so likely. Yes, you should show love and kindness, but LOVE yourself. Even Jesus said to love your neighbor as YOURSELF. You need to love and respect yourself just as much, too, for a healthy friendship.

'Cause If One Day

I guess I am a picky person in some ways, but there are a few things I just CANNOT STAND.

1. The sound of someone eating

2. Carrots

3. Self-righteous people

4. Conceitedness

5. Instability. 

Those are a few. I don't want to go on a long rampage about each thing. Carrots is random. But today, I hung out with some friends of mine. It was nice BUT I really can't handle being with one friend of mine anymore. It's like, they don't know how to act properly with people. They are so demanding, and obsessive, and then they are so insecure as well, so they treat everyone else like shit. It makes no sense whatsoever. They are so judgmental, small minded, and two-faced. Either that or just really insecure, so they try to bring others down. AND not to mention, a ridiculous brat. 

I think that there comes to a certain point that if a person hasn't learned that being nice and cool for the first impression isn't enough, and that shittiness is just a turn off... I don't know if they ever will. Especially if it doesn't push EVERYONE away. But I can't stand it. No one wants to be around crappy or crabby people. I think. I would hope. I like being with people who make me laugh or smile no matter what, and they drop what they want to cheer me up, and they sacrifice their comfortability for mine. I try to be that for others, and I think everyone needs a friend like that. A worthwhile friend is rare, it seems, so when you find one, NEVER let them go. Respect them, love them, need them, hug them, make them laugh, show them appreciation, and never ever let them down if you can help it. Sure, we are all imperfect, but that doesn't mean we can't have a beautiful friendship with someone. 

I don't want to wake up one day all alone. I can't make it in this world without a person, a friend, a lover, a sister. It's best to cherish every moment you have. And with the friend I mentioned, I feel like a second choice, a drag, unimportant, and pushed over. And half the time ignored. If someone doesn't really give you they're time, they aren't worth YOUR time. 'Cause if one day, you realize you spent all that time on someone that didn't really care, who was unavailable, that blew you off, ignored you, you will see that you have no time left and it's too late. Don't make that mistake. Be with others who you benefit from, because they will also benefit from you. I am not saying to not love those who do not love you, YES, ALWAYS LOVE, but do not throw YOURSELF away for them. It's not smart, or sensible and YOU are worth so much more. You are a jewel, a precious being. You are worth more than being cast aside, into the dirt.

What More Could I Ask?

I don't really understand how someone could be so ridiculously clueless. I usually am pretty understanding, but sometimes, I don't get how people just don't pay attention to what others say. I hate saying something, and then another person asking me a question to the answer I already provided. The thought "Why bother?" crosses my mind many times.

I'm sure there is one person in everyone's life that no matter what they do or say, everything about them drives us nuts! And the sad thing is, sometimes that can be people we spend time with the most. I guess, that's more unfortunate than anything else. It usually is a co-worker, a family member, or that friend who just HAS to spend time with you. Whoever it is, it's usually best to reflect towards yourself, and try to see things their way, and learn to understand them. It's hard, really. But usually, it is not impossible.

People are worth our while.

That's My Story and I'm Sticking To It

I'm sure we have all had the feeling of boredom at least once. I generally don't ever feel bored because I have many ways to entertain myself..when I want to be home...alone. But on days like today, I would like to go out and DO something before schoolwork ties me up again. Come tomorrow, I have plently of homework due the three days I have classes, and I won't have any free time during the day more than likely.

Sunday is the perfect day to have a relaxing afternoon either outside or inside, depending on the weather or preference at the time. Today, I spent a few hours outside, and now have been laying in my room for 2 hours. I find it very frustrating to just sit and text people when I could be spending time with some of them...and yet, they don't have the "time." But why not? Why do we have to just lay around...and not get up and do something?

Sure. The weekend is meant to chill. But also, I thought "chill" meant to hangout as well? It's not that I don't find that appealing, but I do not spend much time with people on a personal level. School just started, so, everyone in classes are mere aquaintences, save for the two girls I already know in my English class. That's the bummer about going to a community college with no living on campus: You don't see your classmates everyday and don't have a roommate. It kinda ruins the whole college experience. Of course, the freshman are attending only in hopes of transfering somewhere else, and the rest are old people...going back for a new degree...usually in nursing. Or they're like me. Losers with no money, no job, and living with your parents. The only way to get an education is to get a grant from the government... Boy. I feel pathetic at times. But hey, technically all that money is really mine from taxes they take, right? WRONG. Just kidding, but seriously.

I didn't mean to go on a rant about college, but it does somewhat frustrate me that I would have been hanging out with new friends on campus at IPFW...until I lost my job and couldn't afford it.

And on a beautiful day like this, who wants to go to a movie? Not me! I want to sit outside...mostly with my boo, and relax, and drink Pepsi. ( I love Pepsi. LOVE. Shut up, haters. ) I was only refering to my sister asking if I would want to see a movie. hahahaha NO. MOVIES ARE FOR RICH PEOPLE. Am I? NO! wait, that was not meant to be a diss to people who are well off. I just don't have the money...andddd..you do. SO. With all that being said, I hope this week is better for all of us. The first week of school is always a terrible experience, I believe. (for those of us who had our first week this past week) GOOD LUCK to all who start this week, and I guess to everyone. College is hardd.

Oh, and...yeah. High Schoolers. It doesn't get easier.
Until you graduate from college.

Today has been...

It's been a few days since I last wrote. Alright, ten to 11 to be exact. A lot has been going on in my life the past 11 days. For starters, I began college. Yup. I am a freshman, and sadly, only attending Ivy Tech Community College. My prior plans of leaving the GREAT state of Indiana failed me.. and yet, the plans to move away from HERE, where I live.. fell through as well. I am content with my situation for now, but I will soon need to spread my little wings of freedom and curiosity. Otherwise, unlike as the saying goes, the lack of curiosity fulfilled, I will "be killed" by dullness.

I believe no one wants to live a dull life. But of course, we all have our own definition of what is dull and what is exciting. We devote our time and efforts to different activities, people, and interests. That's what makes us all unique. But I am not blogging on our differences, and what not. It would take too long, and there would be so many errors. I have not traveled past the border of Canada and New York. I have been Nationally grounded all my life so far. I have not met many different people or cultures, though, my plan is to travel the world someday.

That's another thing everyone shares, I believe. Dreams. Aspirations. Goals. They are never the same, but we all have them. I believe I can state that fairly. Even if it's very small. 

I'm not going to lie. Today has been one of those days where it seems that no matter what happens, it makes me angry, and there seems to be no end to the vicious cycles in life. I don't get upset of frustrated for no reason. When things don't make sense, or people just break me down, I can't stand up on my own. And I don't think anyone really can. It's hard to find that person who you can fully lean on for support, and be sure that they won't pull away from you...mainly because they lean on you as well. We all need that person, I believe.

I'm still searching.

The Beginning

This is my first blog on here and I guess I should start off with explaining what the reason and purpose of this will be.
For starters, the name "Red Panda" isn't really named after the actualy animal. Back when I attended a small Jr/Sr High School for my Junior year, I was nicknamed "panda" for some odd reason. I recently dyed my hair what is called "true red" so therefore I have been dubbed by my family as "red" so I just put the two together and came up with the name Red Panda. Makes sense, right?

The purpose of this blog will generally be based on what's on my mind. I usually like to post some of my own poetry, photography, or just thoughts. And I would like to start practicing on my "counseling" or "advising". So, if you have any questions about a general topic, or personal, I am definitely interested.

I'm excited to start! And I definitely hope I don't bore.

- Hannah <3!