This might be a post that reflects not too many deep thoughts and just rambles of a heavy heart. I think that is okay, too. I sit here, injured thumb and wrist, trying to type with a brace on, watching Kim (my friend) drink coffee, take snapchat selfies, and pretend to focus on homework. I'm a step ahead for once, but that's only for five minutes. I am far from ahead in any game compared to others around me. In fact, I feel so off beat, so out of sorts, and off track that I am far behind if I really think about it. My trek has been long, 5th year of college, granted a year and a half was spent not in school, it is still a long road. And at this rate, I'll be here for three years, quite unlike what I wanted. It feels as if my progress of the last few years was meaningless. I could honestly be starting from the beginning and nearly be in the same boat as I am right now. I guess the one thing I got is an associates degree. The others around here only have credits.
I read in the book I recently had to for class that we can get used to any situation. I believe that to be true. Eventually, we get numb to the difference and it isn't so different anymore. It just kind of "is". Maybe numb isn't the right word, but we definitely let all the resistance subside over time and almost incorporate it into our being. Like I accepted depression, or even my constant strive to not stay angry. When I see something destroying a person I care for, I only want to run from that thing. Bitterness, anger, and hate consume people up like fire to wood. But here this is fire we are talking about, it brings good and bad. Heat, warmth, and light are all good things. It is also capable of so much destruction when it's misused and misplaced.
Do I get used to being so guarded, to being so misdirected in love, to being so neglected by those I try to invest in who I feel are so worth while, to being so overwhelmed by those who shove their feelings onto me? Do I just get used to being numb and becoming a brick wall, to being heartless and never letting anyone in again, to be closed of and alone, to be shut down and so far away from anyone? How do I strive to bring joy into my daily life and attitude again after I lost it? How do I bring light back into my dark days? I don't want to become used to this, to become used to the lonely dark, the lonely cave, the lonely tower.
I read in the book I recently had to for class that we can get used to any situation. I believe that to be true. Eventually, we get numb to the difference and it isn't so different anymore. It just kind of "is". Maybe numb isn't the right word, but we definitely let all the resistance subside over time and almost incorporate it into our being. Like I accepted depression, or even my constant strive to not stay angry. When I see something destroying a person I care for, I only want to run from that thing. Bitterness, anger, and hate consume people up like fire to wood. But here this is fire we are talking about, it brings good and bad. Heat, warmth, and light are all good things. It is also capable of so much destruction when it's misused and misplaced.
Do I get used to being so guarded, to being so misdirected in love, to being so neglected by those I try to invest in who I feel are so worth while, to being so overwhelmed by those who shove their feelings onto me? Do I just get used to being numb and becoming a brick wall, to being heartless and never letting anyone in again, to be closed of and alone, to be shut down and so far away from anyone? How do I strive to bring joy into my daily life and attitude again after I lost it? How do I bring light back into my dark days? I don't want to become used to this, to become used to the lonely dark, the lonely cave, the lonely tower.
