I know I should be working on editing my play-script for my English class, but I really don't feel like it. We have three more classes devoted to editing one of our previous assignments, and honestly, the one I chose doesn't need a whole lot of work. You could say I haven't been pushing so hard in school this semester, but I just feel like it's all worthless. Pointless. I don't really have the desire to continue in college. But I know I must finish it eventually. It's best to have a degree. But Ivy Tech has made it impossible for me to graduate in two years like I should be.
Honestly, I have been so down and out. More so with every passing day. Maybe to an unhealthy measure, I don't know. I don't really trust the psychology test I had to take anyway. If it was wrong about more than one thing, then it's faulty. Unreliable. I am in a deep rut, and I don't know how to get out.
Do you ever feel like you are just pushed aside having to watch everything happen to you? There's no way of stopping or going. You just have to watch, like your life is on a screen. I feel so far away from everything. So distant. Whatever I fight for or desire or long for, it goes away or vanishes or slips right through my hands. Everything leaves. Everyone leaves. I give myself away to help, to save, to provide, to advise... but in vanity. I'm left with nothing. So what about me? Why must I give all I have for someone to get what they need? Don't I count for anything? Where do I come into play? When will someone give all themselves to me? Never... It's whispered in my ear, NEVER. You will never belong. You will never be remembered. You will never be trusted. You will never be loved. Lies? Are these lies?
Yes, lies. They have to be, I tell myself. But not all of them are. If I were ever meant to belong, I would have belonged at some point somewhere. But I don't. And I won't. I don't understand why someone I did everything I could to show them I loved them, show them they belonged when they were with me, that they have so much purpose and meaning...they didn't find me worth holding onto, they didn't love me in return, they didn't make me belong and wouldn't let me help them. It hurts and tortures me like hell. This is my hell. And I have the scars to prove it.
I have a bone to pick with you, God. If you even listen to me anymore, take me home. I don't want to be here. I don't want to play this game of life.
