Where Has The Year Gone?

A customer I’ve known for two years told me to write an essay about my 21st summer. He said it could be about what really happened, what didn’t happen, and what I wish could’ve happened. It made me realize how much I experienced this summer and learned from the choices I made. I realized that there were a few things I never thought I’d do that I did, and things I wish I hadn’t done, and things I regret not doing. I am tired of thinking I will not have a good year and on every December 31st I spend worrying about what mistakes I’ll make the next year. So I fret the new year every time. 

What dreams will I make reality this new year? That’s what I want to think about as I only have 26 days left of this year. What things will I accomplish that I’ve put off? Which worries will I let go of and which regrets will I finally forgive myself for? I want to say I will do every one of these things. Make all my dreams reality. Accomplish all the things I’ve put off. Let go of all my worries. Forgive myself for all my regrets. I don’t want to write an essay about the things I wish I could’ve done. I don’t want there to be that space in my life where I look back and want to change things all the time, or add something because I didn’t live an exciting summer. 

This year has been a really rough year, but I’m stronger and I’m wiser and emotionally independent. I am free yet I let myself be bound down the last few years. Things will be better next year because I will make them so.

We're Far Too Young

You fill my thoughts:


On sober nights,


On buzzed nights,


When I’m thinking clearly,


When I wake up early,


And my voice is sleepy,


And my vision is groggy.


You could be mine:


On tired nights,


On happy nights,


When you’re feeling low,


When you need to take it slow,


And your lips need kissed,


And your eyes are closed.

When You Look Fine On the Outside...

       One day, I’m going to have those movie moments I’ve always dreamed. It gets discouraging when all I seem to get is more lessons and less permanence. I have discovered what it means to really love someone, I have experience serendipity, I have had perfect moments that were unplanned, and I have precious words said to me that I’ll never forget. How is it possible to believe that someone new can fulfill all these ideals I have in my head and top it off with being even more fantastic? It may seem egotistical of me to think I even deserved any of the good experiences I have had, and believe me when I say I don’t think I do. I am more inclined to think I was treated harshly throughout my life as punishment for getting things I didn't deserve. But I know I have done the right thing many times, and the right thing seems to be letting go.

       I don’t want to be known as a quitter, don’t get me wrong, because I don’t like failing or backing down. I do know when something has reached its end, or it’s the end of the line and I’m supposed to jump off the train. Unfortunately, the train doesn’t stop moving so I’ll get hurt, cuts and bruises or broken arms – more like a broken heart in this analogy. I think what hurts me the most is that I tried so hard in my friendships or relationships to never be selfish and to always think of the other person before myself. And look where it got me and lead me. All I can do to keep myself sane is to tell you my thoughts or how I got here, or what happened. I don’t think anyone is as open as they would like to be or that they say they are. I think some secrets are better never revealed. I know for a fact that there are unforgivable acts and I hope I am one person never to commit any.

       I could start from the beginning, but I don’t want to recollect on that part of the past because we all have been born, and we all have had a mother and father. It seems silly to think my tale is so important that you have to know it, but I also know that my life needs to be a testimony or an example of why doing the right thing is beyond oneself because our choices not only affect our lives, but the lives around us. What I mean is that because I didn’t stand up for myself or the truth as much or as often as I should have while I was growing up, I lost myself and I lost sight of what being real was. I knew how to be real with people, I just didn’t think it was okay or what anyone really wanted. I still have a hard time believing anyone wants to see the naked truth or soul of someone else. Except maybe me. I’m not saying that for you to think I am something special or unique, but the fact is I want to know the person I love. I want to see his flaws and weaknesses and breakdowns. I want to know that he has had miserable nights like I have, that he grew up fast and having to be tough and impenetrable. It’s hard to love someone when that person doesn’t connect with me in that deep way.

       I don’t wish on anyway what I’ve been through, and I know others have been through much worse. Sometimes it seems only good things happen to those who are waiting to die from a terminal illness. And that is what hurts me so much. I hate that the dying have to experience such a beautiful life and know there is an end coming up fast and soon it will all be gone for those around them. I also hate that I never know when I am going to die, when the end is, and yet nothing in my life is in order. It seems if only I had a terminal illness, someone would really love me, if only I was dying would I have true friends, if only I had a time cap that people would care what I had to say. I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, but this whole thing is just a mystery to me. Why does life work the way it does?

        There are so many things that have happened to me that I assume I deserve because I feel like I’m reliving some of my mother’s childhood. It’s almost like Karma, except I’m getting punished for my mom’s past. And it’s not like she was this wicked teenager. She was so similar to me, basically invisible to the people she cared about most and treated like she didn't mean anything. I think my circumstances turned out a lot worse than my mothers, but I think that is only because I was made to handle a lot more. After all, I’m part like my father and part like my mother. I’m the happy medium child, except being overly sensitive, quiet and surrounded with brick walls that hide so much emotional baggage, that doesn't seem so happy. Sometimes I can burst out and be unintentionally aggressive, like my dad, or I can be so talkative about my position that it drives you insane like my mom, or I can be quiet and listen attentively like my dad, or I can try to calmly explain myself and just start balling, like my mom. I am not saying this to be hurtful or rude about how my parents are, those are their faults and I cannot hold it against them because obviously I share those same reactions with them. It’s rather a vicious whirlwind of emotional distress and character building that I experience and I would say that is part of my problem.

       So, why do I tell you all this? Why do I write as if anyone is reading? Because I hope one day, someone will read and will listen and care. I don’t understand all of this that I have experienced and I wish I had answers for my own questions. I am so good at advising others and discussions yet I don’t even know how to solve my own problems. I have been hurt, I am really guarded, and I am seeking out people to be my friends and talk. Everyone is so unavailable, and I am beginning to accept that. So what my life isn't some movie where there is a happy ending? Even if I never get to experience a movie magic romance ever again in my life, at least I can make the most of my life lessons and never make the same mistakes again. At least I can go out bright, even if the train doesn't stop moving and I have to jump. I might as well jump as far as I can, and hit the ground because there is no going back to where I came from.

Life is a race, so win it.

We Should Run Together, Run Free

I really am trying to be positive and work hard on bettering myself and my situation. I haven't ever been this focused on positive things in my life. I am getting stronger, smarter, better, healthier, and it has nothing to do with any guy or romance. I am bettering myself for me and for a bigger purpose. Yes, I tend to look at things negatively and with an anxious eye. But give me some credit, I am trying to grow and move on from that. Anything worth striving for can take a long time to gain, but I am learning to believe it is worth it. Becoming the best version of me, or at least continually working toward that, is one of my top priorities right now. And I know I still hold on to the past and don't fully forgive myself, because there are some things that I wish I could ( still ) change. I am working on that part, of learning to forgive myself fully for stupid mistakes because I can't redo anything that I do regret or dislike in my past. I have moved forward so far, and I am way beyond where I was this time last year, even 6 months ago, even three months. I have grown and changed my ways of thinking, my lifestyle, and my motivation. 

I always talked that I should be the best I can be and not worry about who is right for me as a lover, but I never took action. I just wallowed in self-pity or justifiable sadness that I was rejected and hurt. If I depend on people to make me who I want to be, to make me be the best I can be, I will never be happy and I will always be sad. And I am so sick of being unhappy and depressed. I am tired of torturing myself and blaming myself, when I should have just stood up for my morals, my beliefs, myself from the get go. I was weak for so long, but not fragile. Never freaking fragile. (That is directly aimed at my lousy ex who deemed me breakable.) 

So, am I weak for ever feeling sad and distraught? Am I stupid for tearing up when something reminds me of how people hurt me that should have loved me? Or when I cry for remembering when someone lied to me, or walked out of my life? I know recovery doesn't just happen, and that it takes time. But I want to know if I ever will fully recover? It is easier to be alone, it really is. I don't have to reintroduce a new love interest to my family again and again, which just brings problems and turmoil because it is time consuming, my track record of being too into a relationship isn't good as is, and it never works out. My family feels so much for me ( for the most part) that if I get hurt, it makes them hurt and angry, too. Excepting those who only care about themselves. No names. Obviously. I don't want to act like I don't have some grudging thoughts, but I don't have grudges against my family. I really can't because it's not fair. I'm imperfect just as much, so who am I to judge what they did at those moments or for not caring? I've been selfish before. Which it's weird how a long time self-loathing person can be selfish. But it is. My thoughts went a little off the new paragraph. 

I just want to make sense of how I feel. I ignore the deep down thoughts most of the time lately because I don't want to go back down a depressed road, full of darkness and eating disorders and cutting. Too much alone alone time. Too much sobbing. But I do feel stuck in solitary confinement. The majority of my days I spend alone, and very single-minded. It is wonderful not having any attachments to the past string of guys that I dealt with, and not having to deal with current issues. Yes, to be rid of the past heartaches in that area is really nice. And relieving. But to be stuck, where no one else is even budging to earn my interest. Someone of decent material, background, age and situation. My situation in love is discouraging. 

I go out places even if I don't feel like, just in case I may bump into the perfect stranger. I go inside the restaurant instead of the drive thru, I go to the gym and get all grimy and sweaty to be seen as a person who endures and works hard, I go to classes, I participate and speak up, I work hard at my job and keep at it, I try to be perky and smile and laugh. I go to the store just hoping maybe this time, I will meet someone and make a friend. I so badly want friends, someone to be close to me more often. But I don't even have time for that even if I made one. I would make time, knowing me, that's just what I do.  I've exhausted every possible relationship out of my guy friend options. And there is nothing left to venture or seek out. None of my friends or acquaintances are right for me, in love, and I already accepted that. That isn't the issue. I think friends should all just stay friends. It's the fact that I am bettering myself, and no one else notices. No one notices. I am really growing up and no one can see that. I feel like I sound so childish to be complaining, and having to say I am growing up. But bear with me. OK? I haven't spilt all these feelings out. I have barely gone in depth with my true feelings about anything since... well, it's been a while. 

I am discouraged.  That is a fact.

Too Much Noise, I Don't Think

It's the new year and I haven't even posted one blog yet. I know I repeatedly say it isn't like anyone follows these or reads them, but I do have this obligation to post at least 19 entries every year. I have done that since I got the blog, so I want to continue doing that out of habit. 

I would love to have some heartfelt words or deep inspiration with you, but lately I have been trying to not think too much. I usually overthink and binge my emotions on unhealthy food for thought. (See what I did there?) I read somewhere that you should feel your feelings and not think about them. I don't really understand what that means or how that is fully accomplished. But I think it has some truth and substance. Your heart shouldn't get caught with your head. It throws off balances and causes problems. I know that. 

So, I have been teaching myself to be closed, to myself and to others. If I don't know how I feel, I won't have to share it with anyone. Of course, you're thinking it is impossible to not know how you feel. And so, yes. I do know it, but not as deeply like normal. I have disconnected myself from deep thoughts or whatever because I want to be stronger than I have been and letting emotions control me is not beneficial in anyway. I want to be prepared for anything. 

I want it to be said of me that I was strong, and never fragile. (Because of course someone had said so, and I am to prove them wrong.)