Say What You Mean, Tell Me I'm 'Write'

All I've got for you, in the time I have not posted, is a poem I wrote a few days ago, nearly a week.


Thinking about you makes me feel pathetic
I've gotten no reply, crosses my mind
That you're with someone better.
And they say "Stay strong"
That it'll do me some good to just step aside,
But I can see your face when I close my eyes

Poem after poem, my words aren't good enough.
I could never make you stay.
Kiss after kiss, your taste still fresh on my lips.
It seems so quickly, you run away.

From the start, you had it figured out, my dear.
Reeled me in, but forgot to drain the water out.
Now you've left me here to drown.
And they say "Be confident"
It's gonna work out, but they're looking from the outside.
They don't know that I fall apart when I look into your eyes.

There's a gnawing
A tearing inside my heart.
I'm a glass about to break.
Like a clock or wall
That will crumble apart
How long until I break?

Charged like a circuit.
And you've stolen my heart
Like a thief. You raced away.
You could say, I'm undone
But that's not enough.
Without you, I'm incomplete

But that's okay.
Don't worry about me.
I can forget you just as fast as I met you.
Or so I say.
Or so I'll make it seem.

I'm A Little Tired Of...

It is hard to find love these days. I've been on a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon today, so this topic has been on my mind. I'm not sure if I really agree with matchmaking. It seems superficial and forced. Can you really make something work with a complete stranger? I guess, you do have to set aside time to get to know the person. But with this show, people learn the negative things about someone right away. For me, this is not usually the case. The dark and dirty isn't revealed straightaway. Of course, I have experienced the awkward first dates that are a complete turn off. But you aren't going to learn all there is to know in one or two dates.

Relationships are all superficial, it seems. They are all about physical, and talents and attraction. It's all competition. I cannot stand fighting against the person I am supposed to be "working with". No one stays around for the long run. I hate when a guy says "I'm not like all the other guys" but funny thing is, all the other guys say the same damn thing. I'll be the judge of that, sir. I am so discouraged when in a relationship. It's never enough, and I'm never enough. There never seems to be a balance between dependence and interdependence, and independence.

This game is lonely. They are either too overwhelming, or they completely ignore you. I cannot understand how someone just leaves you hanging. I do not believe any person is worth wasting time over. If they make you wait and wait, they obviously are not worried about you. They would commit if they really cared. If you are just so uncertain where you stand with someone, MOVE ON. You cannot make someone happy if he will not let you. And you should also not be in a relationship where the guy is over powering. It is uncomfortable and awful.

I'm sorry my rant makes no sense. I am in a pathetic situation myself, and I am confused. I cannot handle what's going on. I just need a break from "romance" but it seems, once I'm "in the market" I am not left alone. No room to breathe. Except, the person I want to be with, they just put a wall between us, and they are unreachable. I'm feeling like "sdhfaosdhfoavnudoiua ashvnauadsfoifbaodfy nsayofbvyasofyda" so confused. I am so tired of this bullshit.

Just A Short Update

Today is my last day of classes. All there is to do is take the finals. I'm excited to be done with my first semester of college. It has been an interesting semester, full of crazy events and the like. I'm ready for a break and to just work. I am beginning to really like my job, but I don't scheduled often enough.

I promise to go on a rant as soon as I'm not so overwhelmed. Things have been so frustrating in the past couple months. Especially amongst my family. I just hope that nothing problematic happens during the holidays.

Jesus, I Pray

Days like today, I just feel so humiliated. It's not that I was openly embarrassed. I just feel that way. Seeing as to the fact that I am not ignorant of what goes on around me, I feel left out. Or pushed out. It's hard to invest in something knowing you could lose it all. In the pessimistic view, there's no point in investing in something when you know you will lose it anyway. The reality is, there's a 50/50 chance. Glass half empty/glass half full. The point is, there is a chance. There is liquid left in the glass. There's still something there.

This was not meant to reflect on chances and hopes. Just another rant on something that frustrates me. Many times, I wish I could review my life and make the necessary tweaks here and there, erase, rewind, pause, fast forward. I would renew things I let go, and let go of things I held too tightly to. I would tell myself a thing or two, tell me not to be so negative, tell me to love myself and not let others push me around so much, but to make sure I don't treat others harshly. But I cannot remember all the wrongs or rights I have done in the past, because it's gone. The best thing to do is let go of wrongs.

I feel so embarrassed. Angry, even, to some extent.
And aggravated.
But how could I have changed if no one forgives? How can I change if I have done no wrong?
How can I know what's necessary to happen if no one explains?

There are so many petty things that people worry about these days. Relationships. Biggest one. There is jealousy, anxiety, hurt, disappointment, excitement, fulfillment, let down.

I guess, what I'm trying to admit to, what I'm trying to say is...
I've never met someone who was "it"
Who was everything I needed.
There are only two things that I want most before I die and that is to be close with Jesus Christ, and the second is to have a Faithful Friend and to have been a Faithful Friend for that same individual.

And Everyone Goes Ca-RAY-Zee

Right now, I am sitting in Econ class. U have gotten so far behind on homework, that if my parents knew, they would cry. They have such high expectations of me, it seems. I am not the smartest child in the family, but I am not the dumbass. Haha my sisters are very hard workers, and I am mediocre. When it comes to school. I'm not a straight A student. I do what I can, and I don't brag when I do well. It doesn't matter to me for people to praise my grades. I like helping people.

I have such a hard time being okay with weaknesses and needing help. I always wonder if that's an okay thing. Growing up, I always felt like in competition. I was never good enough, but I needed to be better than the weakest link. I've always been right there in the middle. I tend to settle with making it through. I do what needs to be done to get by with the littlest amount of frustration. Or at least try to.

It's hard for me to focus on individual goals an expectations. I am so ADD that I cannot just think about one thing at a time. I have a hard time not being distracted. Sometimes, I will being talking about one thing, see something, and then completely change the subject. Or my mind goes off and just wanders. But sometimes it is entertaining to others, and my ADD can cause inspiration for good ideas and topics.

So, I guess, in essence, chaos can be beneficial.

Inspiration: Come to me!

Right now, I'm in writer's block. I need to come up with a topic for my final paper for my English class. It's a Cultural Analysis paper, and my teacher said it's pretty open ended, but I have no idea what to write about. I'm not sure exactly what is considered acceptable. I don't want to do another "historical" paper, but I do love history. Especially ancient history. I wouldn't mind that, but my teacher is a huge fan of that sort of topic. I don't know how much freedom I have.

I figured I would blog, and type a lot, and just maybe, I would come up with some topic. It probably doesn't help that I am listening to Enrique. Yeah. I'm sure it doesn't. It makes me want to go out dancing, and partying. I am ready for school to be OVER. Next week <3 I am so ready.

A few topic ideas I had, they don't sound so clever anymore. I want to finish this class strong, like my papers usually are, and even when I think something isn't my best, it ends up being really good, which completely surprises me. It seems, I pull through, even when I don't think I can. I do all I can, and somehow, it ends up being good enough, even when it never seemed like it was. I realized, sometimes, negativity isn't all there is. Life sometimes does brighten up. And when it does, I grab that sunrise, and pull it into my heart to hold close forever.

Well, it's been over an hour since I took a break from typing. I think I'm done for now. Maybe I will feel more inspired in the morning.

Adios!

It's Crazy, But Have I Told You...

Lately, I've been really having a hard time with moving on. It's not the whole "I still have feelings" issue. There really aren't any left to fight over. But I guess I feel jealous. Jealous that things have not gotten better for me and seem to have for someone else. I am jealous that they are happy again and I haven't moved on yet. It is a foolish feeling because I know that I could never be fully happy with them, ever, and it isn't that I would want to be with them, period. It's the fact that they don't seem to care that there was something special, and they treat it lightly.

It's been said that if you were ever really lovers, you can never just be friends. I completely agree. But at the same time, you could be friends, and the other person just refuses to make the right effort, or they are not worth the contact. Sometimes, the break up is permanent and no friendship is necessary. There is no need to carry on unnecessary hurt. I do that to myself, but I try to not throw myself back at the feet of someone I was in a relationship with. If it didn't work one time, who says you should try again? It's not like you're married. There are MORE people in the world besides that one person.

Yet, I wonder: How much can I love, how many breaks can my heart take, and how many can I love, 'til there's not enough of my heart left for that "one"? Eventually, there's going to be a fall out, a crash, and it will be severe, and there will be no way to save it. There will be no way to repair, or fix or mend.  But at the same time, will we ever want to try again once we realize how much pain these things cause? Is it really necessary?

When it's focused on feelings, nothing will last. That's why nothing has lasted. Feelings aren't constant, or consistent. They change.

From a Fellow College Student to Another

I normally do not allow myself to ever hate anyway. Hate is such a strong word, and it can mean much more than strongly disliking someone. Hate can lead to cruel thinking and behavior, and so if I ever say "hate", I only mean strongly dislike. I could never hate something enough, I believe, to kill or really hurt, purposefully. But I do have someone that, due to what they have done to me, said, acted, etc, I have had some cause to hate them. 


People who are controlling, perverted, bullies, sick jerks... They drive me insane. And yes, this defines the person I am talking about. They are no longer in my life, which is excellent, but it was hard to take charge and force them out. They had a lot of control over me. And that is a very scary thought. No one should have so much control over you where you are willing to do things you normally wouldn't do in order to please them. That's just wrong, plain and simple. You should never let anyone pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do. 


I am usually good about this. If I don't want to do something, even as simple as hanging out, I usually find a way to talk myself out of it. I generally know how to say no, thank you. But sometimes, when someone knows that the full throttle attack won't work, they will break you down, little by little. They will subtly introduce something into your life that normally you wouldn't accept, but by the time it's "full throttle" they have already engraved it into you.. just by taking baby steps. That's the smoothest move anyone could take, and sadly, it works most of the time. And sometimes, after it's already occurred, the "victim" knows what's going on. Yet, they don't put a stop to it...because that person. they just care sooo much about. WELL, HELL, if they really cared, they wouldn't be so damn controlling AF. Get real. They don't give a shit. 


Don't put yourself in a situation where YOU are not in control of yourself. Don't give that to someone else. (exception: if you are sick or at the doctors, etc) Peer pressure is messed up, and I have never really been one to give into it. If I don't have a drive for something, I don't usually do it. That's just me. But when someone is trying to make you do something, and you don't really feel like doing it (for various reasons), don't let them talk you into it. Plain and simple. They are worthless to you. No person is worth your while if you they won't respect what you say. 


Even if it's just a guy trying to convince you to him (or a girl), and you say "Uh, I don't like you" and he doesn't respect that, he is NOT worth your while. He needs to back off. It's rude, and bullying, and controlling. I wouldn't ever force myself on someone. Or try to make them think they like me when they clearly don't. It's stupid. People need to learn that they should respect others and not be so damn controlling and pressuring. 


I have tried hard to kick those ass holes out of my life. I don't need someone else telling me what I should or shouldn't do, especially if I don't feel comfortable with what they are saying. Never let someone force you into a situation you DON'T feel comfortable with. If someone is telling you, "get in the car" and (you know them of course) you don't feel comfortable being alone with them, keep walking, or even call your parents, the cops, or someone you trust that will stay on the phone with you. 


I cannot stress how important it is to stand up for yourself, and not to let someone push you around. It has caused me SO many problems when I didn't put my foot down, and the past two years, I have really been learning to do that. And it takes away so much stress. Honest to goodness. (but not all stress, I will add.) Just be wise with who you choose as friends, and who you listen to. You can be friends with those kinds of people, but DON'T be close. No. It is foolish. Be smart.