You Say I Took A Chance

This is what chances did to me. Chances took my sanity. Chances took my innocence. Chances took a knife and began cutting. Chances took restful sleep. Chances took good dreams. Chances made me pathetic. Chances made me stay. Chances made me pretend to be happy. Chances made me try too hard to make things work. Chances let me fall. Chances let me become ash inside. Chances told me real love has nothing to do with what I want or need. Chances told me I had to give all of myself and expect little. Chances said, Hide yourself Hannah. No one wants to see that. Chances said, You fool, Hannah. No one can handle honesty. It’s your fault everything failed. Chances told me I didn’t give enough.

When You Love Someone

I've been thinking about 500 Days of Summer. And when I first watched it, the character Tom and I related on this level: we were both hurt by someone we cared for. But as I've watched the movie more and more, besides the fact of me already having high regard for the actor playing that role, I saw things I didn't notice that were negative. I was and have been "Tom" for so long. He didn't really love and care for Summer. He was angry that she didn't choose him, and was angry she wasn't making HIM happy. He didn't once think about what was best for her, and he instead, let her consume his mind. He fell in love with love. He was in love with everything he made up Summer to be, but not with the actual girl. He didn't care about her , maybe not at all, or maybe at the end. He believed one person had to make his life have meaning, and that wasn't her responsibility at all. And I've realized that I have done this. I have been like this. I put so much into what I believed someone was supposed to be, and I let myself fall for the image in my head, not the actual person. And when you truly love someone, you aren't hateful that it didn't work out between you. Tom had the right to feel hurt, but he treated Summer like she owed him something, and she didn't. She didn't treat him right either, which just proves that they were terrible together. The thought of love is lovely, but isn't tangible. You have to give yourself to experience love. The best kind of love is not when someone just loves you, it's when you're the one that's loving someone else.

Something to Christa

You aren't alone. You'll feel lost in hurt and emptiness. But you don't have to be. You just have to choose to not be lost, but to be found and held. You have to choose happiness over hurt. That's why I never understood him before. I didn't understand why he would choose hurt over happiness. But I do now. When you are so down deep in a rut, you don't want to pull someone else down into it, you want to recover, but you feel like you can't, and you don't want anyone else to help you but the person who caused that pain. But eventually you'll realize they aren't going to come back and things won't be like they were when everything was better. So you see that, and you start to heal, not because things are better with that person, but because you found the strength within yourself to keep going despite how much you lost. You find that the person put more damage than new growth in your life.

Fa Fa Fall, oh.

This is stupid.
This back and forth mess.
Make up your mind
Once and for all.
Just figure out what you want.
And let me know where that falls.
I just need confirmation
Or some type of closure.
I need to either move on
Or pull more tightly.
You can't keep pushing me off
And then holding me close.
It doesn't work that way.
You're either gone or you'll stay.
And there's no way
For me to know if I can walk away.
I don't want to,
But what about me?
Things don't just happen magically.
You have to make a move.
You have to give in.
Let go of fear. Please.

This Type of Old New Reflections

These deep reflections
And these hard questions
Are the conversations
I treasure and need.
You have given me
This strong rope to hold to
And protected my heart
With walls made by your hands.
With these hands,
You continued to build
A home, a place to stay.
In a watch tower, as a guard,
You've fought nightmares,
You chased demons away.
The lights around your tower
Illuminate all of the blackness.
You've thrown yourself into
The hole to protect me from it.
But there has become a distance,
With you so high in the sky.
You've drifted far from me,
And in your shadow, I hide.
Can't you come down?
Can't you put down your guard?
Let me inside of your tower.
Let down the walls that protect
Not just me from out there,
But you from me.
I need those arms once again.
I need those strong hands.
I need those expressions
And that smile from your eyes.
I need that soft touch again.
That is the truest protection.

Restating What's Been Said

I know things happen for a reason. But I feel like the reason is always for me to feel empty and alone. Hell, I wish this emptiness would go away, that it would be filled, but it never is. I'm tired of feeling so far away from everything. There is nothing that can draw me in and keep me here. I am pushed aside.
"I start to hate myself.
Just wish I were someone else.
Don't know how many times I felt
Like I'm having to watch my heart melt.
I hate myself.
Just wish I had better cards dealt.
This is unlike anything I've felt.
I stand, pushed aside, watching my heart melt."