When did I get misrepresented as this impressionable piece of clay? I know that we start that way when we are children, but we watch and listen, we grow and become. There seems to be this belief among some that I don't form my own opinions, and that I am easily persuaded toward this way or that. No, I am not as stubborn as the majority of my family, and I am not spiteful or aggressive like most of them either. I am not less because of that. It isn't necessary to me to fight for fighting's sake. It isn't important for me to have all my thoughts heard, understood, and accepted. I realized a long time ago that I am the only one who will every fully have my own back, but it isn't just me. We are all that way, and yet people refuse to accept that. It's useless to try to make someone be okay with something they've decided they aren't, and it's nonsense to try to push someone into doing something they don't want to do. Yet my family talks to me like I have to be pliable and changeable toward their wills and their whims. They talk to me like their feelings and beliefs are facts, and they justify their anger, meanness, and pettiness. It is not my problem that they can't separate themselves from their identity in their beliefs. It is not my job to cater to each one of them. I won't pick up the responsibilities of 5 other people. This isn't a college group project; this is supposed to be a family.
I was not truly important to you until you thought we could be on the same team. All you have ever wanted from me was a devoted follower of whatever bullshit you ascribed meaning. Excuse me if I don't blindly attack someone once I hear all sides to a story. Sorry I don't say sorry and beg for forgiveness when I know I am not wrong and it is a matter of difference of opinion. I have a lot more agency here than most of you have been willing to give me. I have been making my own choices for a very long time, guilt stricken and anxiety riddled, and I've made it here. I never asked for your opinion and I haven't offered mine. Why can't differences just be accepted and we can exclude ourselves from each other's social media or personal beliefs to keep the peace? Unity is more important than black and white thinking. Honestly, if it were up to the jaded part of me, I'd thrown in the towel, and move to a place none of you could ever find me again.
This is me making a promise to myself to always stand up for me. I will not let them knock me around again. I will not let them silence me. Their manipulations and ploys to guilt me into being who they want or doing what they want will not have a hold on me. I will not play into their hand. I will represent my name, and my name alone. I will stand up against mistreatment and pettiness, but I will not sign my name onto anyone's roster. I didn't choose for them to have the problems with each other that they have. I didn't make those choices to talk to them the way they talk to one another. I have hurt them before, yes, but it hasn't been from maliciousness or purposefully trying to make them angry. I am going to be my own person and I will hold myself accountable (which is more than what anyone of you can say because you just sit any justify yourself or you say god keeps you accountable). I am not afraid to be wrong, but mostly because I don't proclaim every fucking thought I have or belief I have as right for the masses. I don't need the approval of temperamental people or a maybe real/maybe not real temperamental god. I'm exhausted at being pushed to the middle. I am not glue. I am not the binding of this book. I didn't ask for any of this, but here we fucking are, and here I am being forced to play a role I never wanted.
No more. I choose me and my mental health. I will choose to play the role I want, and I will shut you down if you try to manipulate me or impose your guilt on me. I am not a brainwashed toddler anymore. I am not an overwhelmed, emotional 12 year old anymore. I am not a self-harming 19 year old anymore. I am not a depressed, questioning 23 year old anymore. I have taken my time getting here, and you will not shake me down. I will not crumble under the weight of your feelings, opinions, and desires. I have been crushed and reformed into a diamond, and now I am beyond your grasp and cannot be broken again by you. I am tired of being afraid to speak up, and I will say what I think when I decide. I will let you down, and you will have to grow the fuck up.
I was not truly important to you until you thought we could be on the same team. All you have ever wanted from me was a devoted follower of whatever bullshit you ascribed meaning. Excuse me if I don't blindly attack someone once I hear all sides to a story. Sorry I don't say sorry and beg for forgiveness when I know I am not wrong and it is a matter of difference of opinion. I have a lot more agency here than most of you have been willing to give me. I have been making my own choices for a very long time, guilt stricken and anxiety riddled, and I've made it here. I never asked for your opinion and I haven't offered mine. Why can't differences just be accepted and we can exclude ourselves from each other's social media or personal beliefs to keep the peace? Unity is more important than black and white thinking. Honestly, if it were up to the jaded part of me, I'd thrown in the towel, and move to a place none of you could ever find me again.
This is me making a promise to myself to always stand up for me. I will not let them knock me around again. I will not let them silence me. Their manipulations and ploys to guilt me into being who they want or doing what they want will not have a hold on me. I will not play into their hand. I will represent my name, and my name alone. I will stand up against mistreatment and pettiness, but I will not sign my name onto anyone's roster. I didn't choose for them to have the problems with each other that they have. I didn't make those choices to talk to them the way they talk to one another. I have hurt them before, yes, but it hasn't been from maliciousness or purposefully trying to make them angry. I am going to be my own person and I will hold myself accountable (which is more than what anyone of you can say because you just sit any justify yourself or you say god keeps you accountable). I am not afraid to be wrong, but mostly because I don't proclaim every fucking thought I have or belief I have as right for the masses. I don't need the approval of temperamental people or a maybe real/maybe not real temperamental god. I'm exhausted at being pushed to the middle. I am not glue. I am not the binding of this book. I didn't ask for any of this, but here we fucking are, and here I am being forced to play a role I never wanted.
No more. I choose me and my mental health. I will choose to play the role I want, and I will shut you down if you try to manipulate me or impose your guilt on me. I am not a brainwashed toddler anymore. I am not an overwhelmed, emotional 12 year old anymore. I am not a self-harming 19 year old anymore. I am not a depressed, questioning 23 year old anymore. I have taken my time getting here, and you will not shake me down. I will not crumble under the weight of your feelings, opinions, and desires. I have been crushed and reformed into a diamond, and now I am beyond your grasp and cannot be broken again by you. I am tired of being afraid to speak up, and I will say what I think when I decide. I will let you down, and you will have to grow the fuck up.
