I want this entry to have a purpose, and not just a mindless rant. But when it comes to my thoughts, I guess it is never mindless. Something is wrong with me. I'm mourning the loss of things that I haven't put a face to or a title to or a name to. There is the obvious list of people or things, but there is more than that. I don't think I've avoided addressing this; I think I've had so much on my mind that I just haven't gotten to it yet. I'm sitting still now, and ready to confront a few things.
I started reading Rupi Kaur's second poetry book, and something really jumped out to me: how much hurt Craig caused me, and how damaging it was to me. Maybe I'm repeating something I've felt or said before, but I recognize that I had these huge hopes for him and I. I truly thought one day, eventually, we'd be together because I understood him. But when I make myself think back to that last time I saw him, all the little details, and the way he treated me... I know there is pain and un-bandaged wounds. I have reread poems and little things I wrote about our relationship, from YEARS ago, and I don't understand why I ever thought for one moment that he had changed, and that our dynamic could ever be "normal." How did I ever believe him after the years of manipulation and mistreatment that I RECOGNIZED? I must've really had my blinders up. That's why what he did sneaked past me. In his email, he claims things never happened that did, but for years he would tell me to remind him of all the things that happened because his memory was awful. So, how is it that his memory of what he did (or didn't do as he says) could be reliable since it never was before? THAT is how I know I AM NOT CRAZY, and that he is a liar.
Why do we hold on to unrequited love? Why do we seek the approval of those who reject us? Is it because we like the challenge? Do we really think we should have to fight for someone to love us back? Should we have to burn ourselves in order for someone else to see that we exist? Why did I give so much of myself, and didn't demand to be refilled, refueled? I had the right to answers and had the right to demand them. I gave up my rights. I allowed you into my life. Over and over. There was always this underlying plot that we'd come together in the end. That should've never been in place to begin with, but also you destroyed any chance of reconciliation. You never respected me, as you claim in your email. You never treated me with respect. People aren't objects or play things or devices used to fulfill your desires. But yet you still live like those things are true. And I let you do it. When I stopped loving you, I didn't see you as a threat to my well-being anymore. I was mistaken.
I hope you are suffering now.
I hope my words repeat in your head,
and I hope you've driven out everyone from your life.
You deserve to be miserable and alone.
You deserve to have your mind torture you until it explodes.
You ripped into my wounds over and over.
You forced your way behind my walls,
and demanded access to all secrets, to all wounds, to all thoughts.
You asked questions no one had the right to know the answer.
You invaded.
You are immoral and disgusting.
Your soul has rotted.
Your mind is filled with decay.
You destroy instead of build.
Your breath is toxic.
I hope life continues to break you.
I hope your knees give out beneath you,
and I hope everything you've built will crumble.
I started reading Rupi Kaur's second poetry book, and something really jumped out to me: how much hurt Craig caused me, and how damaging it was to me. Maybe I'm repeating something I've felt or said before, but I recognize that I had these huge hopes for him and I. I truly thought one day, eventually, we'd be together because I understood him. But when I make myself think back to that last time I saw him, all the little details, and the way he treated me... I know there is pain and un-bandaged wounds. I have reread poems and little things I wrote about our relationship, from YEARS ago, and I don't understand why I ever thought for one moment that he had changed, and that our dynamic could ever be "normal." How did I ever believe him after the years of manipulation and mistreatment that I RECOGNIZED? I must've really had my blinders up. That's why what he did sneaked past me. In his email, he claims things never happened that did, but for years he would tell me to remind him of all the things that happened because his memory was awful. So, how is it that his memory of what he did (or didn't do as he says) could be reliable since it never was before? THAT is how I know I AM NOT CRAZY, and that he is a liar.
Why do we hold on to unrequited love? Why do we seek the approval of those who reject us? Is it because we like the challenge? Do we really think we should have to fight for someone to love us back? Should we have to burn ourselves in order for someone else to see that we exist? Why did I give so much of myself, and didn't demand to be refilled, refueled? I had the right to answers and had the right to demand them. I gave up my rights. I allowed you into my life. Over and over. There was always this underlying plot that we'd come together in the end. That should've never been in place to begin with, but also you destroyed any chance of reconciliation. You never respected me, as you claim in your email. You never treated me with respect. People aren't objects or play things or devices used to fulfill your desires. But yet you still live like those things are true. And I let you do it. When I stopped loving you, I didn't see you as a threat to my well-being anymore. I was mistaken.
I hope you are suffering now.
I hope my words repeat in your head,
and I hope you've driven out everyone from your life.
You deserve to be miserable and alone.
You deserve to have your mind torture you until it explodes.
You ripped into my wounds over and over.
You forced your way behind my walls,
and demanded access to all secrets, to all wounds, to all thoughts.
You asked questions no one had the right to know the answer.
You invaded.
You are immoral and disgusting.
Your soul has rotted.
Your mind is filled with decay.
You destroy instead of build.
Your breath is toxic.
I hope life continues to break you.
I hope your knees give out beneath you,
and I hope everything you've built will crumble.
