I
won't settle for this love.
In the movie "the Wedding Date" that I watched last night, the lead male role wrote something like "Women have the type of love/relationships they want." And the lead woman says, do you think I want to be lonely and miserable? What I find while I dig deep into my emotional crevices is that I in fact tend to accept what I think I deserve, or what I am used to. We are all victim to our own minds, what we process as okay or something we can just deal with. There are some of us who don't want to go past the surface and meet our darkest desires or emotions, and we settle for what we can easily obtain and then force feed ourselves the thoughts "This is as good as it gets, I am satisfied." But what of those who just want to be understood, by themselves and by others? I have the hardest time of understanding people who don't want to get to the gritty and ugly of themselves. If we are not exposed to our own persons, then how can we ever truly know anyone else? Or is that something a lot of people don't want?
What intimidates others is that I long to find what drives their heart and actions, what makes them do what they do, and why they think what they think. I search for my own inspirations and what drives me. I analyze what I pursue and my own actions to get beyond what I see right in front of me and maybe find some real answers to what I am accepting for myself. And maybe I can get beyond what I feel, beyond how others make me feel, and reach the truth of it all. Ignorance and being ignored are two things I get thrown into and two things I hate. Details are everything to writers, to thinkers, and to me. I don’t want the vague reply, I want more and more, more than what anyone will give me.
I will not settle for this love.
Beyond ourselves, there is this life. And this life isn't directed by humans. It's directed by God. He offered a love that is beyond any fiction, any story, any comprehensible feeling and action we could conjure up. Why then, if I am offered this unbelievable love do I keep chasing after love that is only so frail and never lasting? Why do we chase after things that don't last while demanding why God won't provide what we've been praying for? Love lasting with some imperfect human who doesn't give two craps about us. I am only writing this to remind myself what God has already provided because I get sidetracked in my heartache when human beings let me down tragically.
"God if you can hear me out all right. Please take these feelings for her inside. My chest hurts when I breathe tonight." - Anberlin
I've been provided for and I cannot do better, anything else is such a settlement if I don't accept the love God decided I deserved. Too many times I have been cultured to think I am waiting on some knight in shining armor to save me, but I don't need saving. I've been saved. And maybe I should tattoo that on my arm so I read it every day and remember what drives my heart, why I think at all, it is all because I was romanced and loved by God.
"And it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see." - Relient K
Forget all other reasons to love anyone else, but God for the moment. He changed himself to meet me, he left his home to meet me, he abandoned his full true identity to appear as a nobody in particular just as I am, he met me where I'm at. I can never say anyone has done that for me before him, or even after him
In the movie "the Wedding Date" that I watched last night, the lead male role wrote something like "Women have the type of love/relationships they want." And the lead woman says, do you think I want to be lonely and miserable? What I find while I dig deep into my emotional crevices is that I in fact tend to accept what I think I deserve, or what I am used to. We are all victim to our own minds, what we process as okay or something we can just deal with. There are some of us who don't want to go past the surface and meet our darkest desires or emotions, and we settle for what we can easily obtain and then force feed ourselves the thoughts "This is as good as it gets, I am satisfied." But what of those who just want to be understood, by themselves and by others? I have the hardest time of understanding people who don't want to get to the gritty and ugly of themselves. If we are not exposed to our own persons, then how can we ever truly know anyone else? Or is that something a lot of people don't want?
What intimidates others is that I long to find what drives their heart and actions, what makes them do what they do, and why they think what they think. I search for my own inspirations and what drives me. I analyze what I pursue and my own actions to get beyond what I see right in front of me and maybe find some real answers to what I am accepting for myself. And maybe I can get beyond what I feel, beyond how others make me feel, and reach the truth of it all. Ignorance and being ignored are two things I get thrown into and two things I hate. Details are everything to writers, to thinkers, and to me. I don’t want the vague reply, I want more and more, more than what anyone will give me.
I will not settle for this love.
Beyond ourselves, there is this life. And this life isn't directed by humans. It's directed by God. He offered a love that is beyond any fiction, any story, any comprehensible feeling and action we could conjure up. Why then, if I am offered this unbelievable love do I keep chasing after love that is only so frail and never lasting? Why do we chase after things that don't last while demanding why God won't provide what we've been praying for? Love lasting with some imperfect human who doesn't give two craps about us. I am only writing this to remind myself what God has already provided because I get sidetracked in my heartache when human beings let me down tragically.
"God if you can hear me out all right. Please take these feelings for her inside. My chest hurts when I breathe tonight." - Anberlin
I've been provided for and I cannot do better, anything else is such a settlement if I don't accept the love God decided I deserved. Too many times I have been cultured to think I am waiting on some knight in shining armor to save me, but I don't need saving. I've been saved. And maybe I should tattoo that on my arm so I read it every day and remember what drives my heart, why I think at all, it is all because I was romanced and loved by God.
"And it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong that the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see." - Relient K
Forget all other reasons to love anyone else, but God for the moment. He changed himself to meet me, he left his home to meet me, he abandoned his full true identity to appear as a nobody in particular just as I am, he met me where I'm at. I can never say anyone has done that for me before him, or even after him
