Dark Am I Yet Lovely

I spent a lot of time thinking about it. In a world where things go how they should, building friendships first and then starting a relationship would be extremely successful. But that is not what happens. All these so called friends you thought you knew have spent little time really knowing you. You have been doing all you can to be available, to be there, to be an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on, and a wall to bounce things off of. What have you gained in return for all you ever did for them? You want a moment and it slips on by. You want a memory, and it becomes so much associated with pain, that you have to force yourself to forget. Why is it that my friends are willing to risk less for me? Once a friend, it's like they don't need to care anymore, or keep up with me. Then, it's all about what I can do for them. I sincerely do care for people I invested in once, and those I grew up with, and those I have stayed on good terms with. And even those I haven't. But for once I want my efforts to be worth something, and for me to gain and save and continue toward something good.
I wish I hadn't invested in some for the amount of time I did and for how in depth I did, because I may be more willing to throw myself away again. I may be missing out on chances that I would've risked anyway because I have never let my past stop me from trying or giving someone a chance. But this time, I am taking a letter I wrote myself from the past in the form of poems, sayings, blogs that I am not going to repeat the cycle and end up more dead inside. If I, a guarded person, give everything I can to open up someone else, what will there be inside of my walls? It is senseless to try to be with someone that doesn't even know if they want you, let alone what they want. To be with someone that always puts you on hold, that expresses how they feel whenever they choose to, but as soon as you open up, they just tear you down and cast you out. You get treated like a problem they have to solve, and there is no yes and no. There is only gray. So, if you and him and that other friend or that other random guy from the bank, or whoever is this way, always in gray... you are not for me. My knight is in red. Red for passion, life, color, fullness, warmth and heat, and fire, desire, certainty, safety, lively bright flashes of light, hopefulness, and love. There is no questions, or uncertainty in his eyes. He knows what he wants, he isn't afraid, and he leads. He risks equally as much as I do because I am his weakness and he is my strength. He will be my strength.
Oh, dear Knight. I am ever waiting on you to come in quietly and then zealously take my heart.

Don't Stand In The Way And Pretend You Missed Me

If two is better than one, why am I alone? I have sought companionship and fought to hold onto it, but it's separated. Crushed. My efforts are in vain. How can I trust someone to stay when even my friends don't? Do I need to be pounded into the ground and have these thoughts etched into my mind continually? Does this frustration ever end? To feel like I can rely on someone seems unreachable. 

I just keep reflecting on different people that imposed their feelings on me and how much it's hurt or just affected me in general. And it's not fair when it's brought up nonchalantly. I'm not even given a real chance to respond. And then I get left in the dark. I'm so tired of searching for real love. I am tired of cowards not taking a risk for me. 

I just want to be one with someone and be whole. I feel it's never gonna find me.

Do You Have Room for One More Troubled Soul?

I haven't even gone on a rant about my feelings for so long here. I have held off I think because I didn't want to come to you and not have much to say. And it isn't like you are an audience depending on my entries, you aren't even there. But I have to sort through my unpoetic thoughts at some point and somewhere. Nothing good comes from supression, not that I've been doing that completely. But those thoughts that I just don't share, those ones so vague yet so precise that speaking to anyone about would cause them to wonder "Is this concerning me?" and at this point, so much of what I feel concerns everyone around me. When I say concern, I mean involves, because I doubt even half of who I know on a decent level really gives a damn on what bothers me or hurts me. I can't really expect a high percentage, I suppose, because it isn't like I wholly know what is going on in anyone's life these days.
The problem with my thoughts is that I tend to go down a dark path. It isn't full of "I want to kill myself" thoughts. Not exactly what I mean when I say dark. I just have had a mind full of frustrated and hurtful thoughts. Ones that just tear myself down, like rocks turn into minerals. It is a self-decay, to some degree. And a road that I don't like being on. I blame myself continually for feeling feelings. I punish myself for that. It's a way of thinking that needs to be retrained, reformed. And I, to some extent, wish you could understand my pain. How my heart can physically ache and long for things that it is just so far from.
I lived constantly internalizing my feelings, and now I've gotten so bad at hiding them. At least, that is how I view myself. I see it as "heart on sleeve." But "they" say you see yourself a good amount worse than others do. Except, what about those others that have pushed you to the edge. The others that gave you the gun for suicide, or the injection. You know, the ones that encouraged your break down in all reality. How do they see me? Or those who just drop in and out when they feel like it? How do they view me?
I think I may be more open with how I feel because I am less willing to be trampled on. I am more willing to put up a fight because I am stretched thin as it is. I have let myself become skin and skeleton. I've been worn down to my core. They drop in like a bomb, and leave with so much destruction. They drop just above the surface so they can quickly make their getaway without being affected, infected. Don't they feel anything for what they do to me? Don't they feel remorse for just breaking up my expectations and hopes? I don't think I will ever understand those who are just walking out with no explanation, no rhyme, no reason told. No. I have reasons for what I do, for who I have to leave alone, and for my own vices I still cling to now and then. But I strive for virtues, and cannot comprehend when using someone as a means to an end is a way of life. That will not be said of me, that I used people for my own purposes only. I will be known as a lover, as a person who understood and cared.

Great Lengths

I don't know if it doesn't hurt

Or I just don't let my mind go there. 

And I don't know if I'm breaking

Or already broke and don't care. 

I won't stop saying 

How I feel doesn't matter

Because I wouldn't hold back

If I knew it would change a thing. 

Will I go to great lengths 

Just to find a love that may

Not even exist for me. 

Or is that something

 I shouldn't say?

Would you go to great lengths

To find a way

Because this emptiness inside

Is eating me alive 

It's all I can take. 

I don't know if I'm ready

To believe in love again. 

But if you sought me

And fought for me,

I know my mind would change. 

Runaway, Girl

You have a way of making me 

feel wanted, but not needed. 

Every warning and swear I threw, 

you never had heeded. 

And I said, back up. 

You're in my way. 

I want something real 

and this is fake. 

You plant the thoughts in my head. 

What if? Why not? 

Forget common sense. 

Your enticing games and playful banter, captivating gaze won't stop me. Can't ya quit, no? So runaway girl. 

As soon as you found me, 

sought me in the empty parking lot, 

You must've decided I could be 

your queen, I'd play the part. 

But I said, hold on. 

I don't play chess. 

This won't change a thing. 

So, be on your best. 

Here we go again. 

It's been a few months. 

You're in this rut again,

Lonely, desperate for a friend. 

Throw out the rule books, 

You never did follow them. 

Heartbreak is War...

I hear sirens. 

I think they're for my heart. 

They know its breaking,

They know it's coming apart. 

I hope the ambulance can find me

Before the attack. 

I hope I'm reachable 

Before everything goes black. 

And they get closer,

Maybe I will be saved. 

But glass has to shatter

When screams are made. 

They've stopped for me,

Bringing oxygen and revivers. 

Heartbreak is war...

I just hope I'm a survivor. 

The Knight In Red

I close my eyes and I can see him.
He has no face. He has no name.
But his soul is ever lasting,
And anciently, ever waiting.
With his hands, he grips a sword,
It overpowers any blade or knife;
My body protected from the scars.
With his eyes, flowers rise from ash
And begin to fill the empty dark.
Golden leaves and silver stems shine,
Followed by swarms of butterflies
And hummingbirds seeking rest,
Longing for the sweet nectar.
And with his heart, oceans pour in,
These high walls cannot withstand.
All of the barricades are destroyed by the depth and width.
Then, with his words, my soul calms.
And in his mind, there is only more,
And time doesn't limit.
He opens the gates to the deepest and most secret garden.
And there I stand, smiling finally.
I see his face. I know his name.
And with a comforting look into
The deepest gaze I've ever held,
I know I have been found.

Speak

I'm told that if I tell myself something
Enough times I'll start to believe it.
I guess I've been convincing
Only my cynical side is accurate.

It's easy for you to tell me
"Look at the bright side."
I wouldn't ask you to see
What I do through my eyes.
But we both know strong is only
What we allow it to be.

Come through to the red side.
The haze is just a light shade.
There's no gray, black or white.
Only fire consumes the night I made.

Convince me there is hope,
Because I can't speak at all.
I need a voice, my heart is broke.
Where are you, red knight of dawn?

You Say I Took A Chance

This is what chances did to me. Chances took my sanity. Chances took my innocence. Chances took a knife and began cutting. Chances took restful sleep. Chances took good dreams. Chances made me pathetic. Chances made me stay. Chances made me pretend to be happy. Chances made me try too hard to make things work. Chances let me fall. Chances let me become ash inside. Chances told me real love has nothing to do with what I want or need. Chances told me I had to give all of myself and expect little. Chances said, Hide yourself Hannah. No one wants to see that. Chances said, You fool, Hannah. No one can handle honesty. It’s your fault everything failed. Chances told me I didn’t give enough.

When You Love Someone

I've been thinking about 500 Days of Summer. And when I first watched it, the character Tom and I related on this level: we were both hurt by someone we cared for. But as I've watched the movie more and more, besides the fact of me already having high regard for the actor playing that role, I saw things I didn't notice that were negative. I was and have been "Tom" for so long. He didn't really love and care for Summer. He was angry that she didn't choose him, and was angry she wasn't making HIM happy. He didn't once think about what was best for her, and he instead, let her consume his mind. He fell in love with love. He was in love with everything he made up Summer to be, but not with the actual girl. He didn't care about her , maybe not at all, or maybe at the end. He believed one person had to make his life have meaning, and that wasn't her responsibility at all. And I've realized that I have done this. I have been like this. I put so much into what I believed someone was supposed to be, and I let myself fall for the image in my head, not the actual person. And when you truly love someone, you aren't hateful that it didn't work out between you. Tom had the right to feel hurt, but he treated Summer like she owed him something, and she didn't. She didn't treat him right either, which just proves that they were terrible together. The thought of love is lovely, but isn't tangible. You have to give yourself to experience love. The best kind of love is not when someone just loves you, it's when you're the one that's loving someone else.

Something to Christa

You aren't alone. You'll feel lost in hurt and emptiness. But you don't have to be. You just have to choose to not be lost, but to be found and held. You have to choose happiness over hurt. That's why I never understood him before. I didn't understand why he would choose hurt over happiness. But I do now. When you are so down deep in a rut, you don't want to pull someone else down into it, you want to recover, but you feel like you can't, and you don't want anyone else to help you but the person who caused that pain. But eventually you'll realize they aren't going to come back and things won't be like they were when everything was better. So you see that, and you start to heal, not because things are better with that person, but because you found the strength within yourself to keep going despite how much you lost. You find that the person put more damage than new growth in your life.

Fa Fa Fall, oh.

This is stupid.
This back and forth mess.
Make up your mind
Once and for all.
Just figure out what you want.
And let me know where that falls.
I just need confirmation
Or some type of closure.
I need to either move on
Or pull more tightly.
You can't keep pushing me off
And then holding me close.
It doesn't work that way.
You're either gone or you'll stay.
And there's no way
For me to know if I can walk away.
I don't want to,
But what about me?
Things don't just happen magically.
You have to make a move.
You have to give in.
Let go of fear. Please.

This Type of Old New Reflections

These deep reflections
And these hard questions
Are the conversations
I treasure and need.
You have given me
This strong rope to hold to
And protected my heart
With walls made by your hands.
With these hands,
You continued to build
A home, a place to stay.
In a watch tower, as a guard,
You've fought nightmares,
You chased demons away.
The lights around your tower
Illuminate all of the blackness.
You've thrown yourself into
The hole to protect me from it.
But there has become a distance,
With you so high in the sky.
You've drifted far from me,
And in your shadow, I hide.
Can't you come down?
Can't you put down your guard?
Let me inside of your tower.
Let down the walls that protect
Not just me from out there,
But you from me.
I need those arms once again.
I need those strong hands.
I need those expressions
And that smile from your eyes.
I need that soft touch again.
That is the truest protection.

Restating What's Been Said

I know things happen for a reason. But I feel like the reason is always for me to feel empty and alone. Hell, I wish this emptiness would go away, that it would be filled, but it never is. I'm tired of feeling so far away from everything. There is nothing that can draw me in and keep me here. I am pushed aside.
"I start to hate myself.
Just wish I were someone else.
Don't know how many times I felt
Like I'm having to watch my heart melt.
I hate myself.
Just wish I had better cards dealt.
This is unlike anything I've felt.
I stand, pushed aside, watching my heart melt."

The Real Ocean

How can you begin to say you're looking out for me? We're not even in the same state of mind, or state of being. And how can you tell me that you're doing what's best? I must just be getting closer to the issue that you won't give it a rest.

Since we're being open books now - as if I wasn't before -
Will you tell me the truth, that compared to me, you're scared much more? And since we're so close to one another, will you tell me that you want it to be like this forever?

You say we're in the same boat, but how can that be? Have you been so blind you didn't know we're in different seas? What's there to grasp or long for when I've never known it? And what's there to continue onto when you've barely shown it?

Must the distance tear us further than we've ever been severed? It's never been the miles that have stopped us from being together. Must an age past before you see I was waiting for a life time? It's never been you throwing away your heart so you could be mine.

Misery Loves Its Company

All I long for is to do something worthy of remembrance; to live a life that does light a way for those in the dark. But how can one shadow lead another? My soul craves to be filled with godliness and yet my heart just pushes it away. My wicked heart wants to hide in the darkness and pain. It's safer and it's what I know. But is it honestly safer? It leaves me lost and stranded and dying. I have been dying. Dying within. Who am I anymore? Who am I to be upset that I have so much pain... Who am I... Weak and wounded and a sinful shame.

Will I ever be safe? Will my heart ever rest easy? No. Not in this life. But it's wrong to take my life. Yet I cannot rest. I am never done. I can feel my heart strings being ripped. I can feel my spirit being smashed with a brick. I can feel the thick walls surrounding me, barricading me in - no air, no breath, no warmth, just black emptiness.

And to continue this thought, the constant wonder of when this will all make sense and when all this will end. It's not my place to have those answers, though I will still ask those questions. What else can I do? I'm not doubting God's control and power, I am doubting myself and my ability to keep trudging on and holding on to the right ropes.

Disconnect. Disconnected from the body. I can sometimes see myself just wandering around. I see my body lying there asleep while my mind is wide awake. Out of my heart comes this craving for so much more. To be understood inside out. Dead and lifeless, I lie there. I see my solemn face, but I can't make myself get up or wake up. I'm watching me. JUST DO SOMETHING!

Shade of Darkness

We train our eyes to pierce the veil covering our vision.
We train our hearts to become cold to feeling.
We train our words to strike through like deep incision.
We train ourselves to tear apart what we’re building.

We let our minds wander where they shouldn’t go.
We let our hands destroy the world.
We let our fires kill what should grow.
We let our children break hearts of boy and girl.

We all have our own personal demon.
We all have our closet skeletons in hidin’.
We all conceal the times we’ve succumbed.
We all have our own shade of darkness within.