Destiny

The feeling that we had a deeper connection was weak when I sat across from my cousin and told her I don't believe in God anymore. After I vented out some of my thoughts, I realized I didn't intend to tell her them at all. Her responses weren't critical, accusatory, or much opposition. She asked if I wanted feedback, argument, or her thoughts. I realized what I had done and what I had said. Is authenticity so important that I had to cut that connection? Christians believe "unbelievers" cannot love deeply, and that is a lie. I love much more deeply than I ever have as I've taken steps back from what I once called "faith." If only differences weren't viewed so negatively... "I wish you could just be a Christian and be happy," She said to me. My mind isn't wanting to just be happy.

There is a deep experience of "God" that religious people have. I'm not the only one who noticed when mine was completely gone. The author of "Finding God in the Waves" acknowledged the difference for him. He explained this experience being like drugs but without the crash. He's right. A spiritual high seems so real - it makes God seem so real. When our minds are disengaged to the noise, that's when people experience "God." People saw more ghosts when there was less technology, less distractions. So, when we put aside our tech and our food or whatever, and focus on meditation and prayer and a simple text, then of course we will have to experience something. Our minds play tricks on us when they aren't engaged enough. Our minds will make us think there is something in the corner of our room when lights from outside flicker against the trees and the trees' shadows come into the bedroom. We aren't thinking logically though. We're so focused on that darker shadow in the darkness. If we wake up with sleep paralysis, then all of a sudden those dark shadows become an evil presence when there is no evil there.

Is happiness just doing and being what makes others comfortable? Is the point of my life to make others be satisfied that I am living as they want or doing what they want? I cannot just go back and make Christianity make sense to me. Once I've seen something, my eyes can't unsee it. Once I've discovered a question and haven't found an answer that makes sense, I can't forget it. My cousin wants me to be happy being what she thinks I should be. Christianity hurt me deeply. Being raised with Baptist doctrine and bible thumping parents who demand that the bible is inerrant has hurt me. I don't think I should have to clarify that I love my parents, but in case I need to, I love my parents. But they are just as blind as "liberals." I'm talked at just as much as I talk at them, if not more. I'm told to respect a position held by a disrespectful man, yet in that same breath they are disrespectful to a man who had held that same position. So, I should not speak ill of someone they voted for because that's wrong and disrespectful, but they can speak ill of someone they didn't vote for and that's fine. I don't mean to sound hateful. I'm hurting. I'm hurting over the hypocrisy, the blindness, the box, the conformity, the dogmacy... I'm hurting that my father is a better dad than my parents' creator of the universe. I'm hurt deeply because my father has failed my mom in ways, and he has failed me, yet he appears to be better than a "perfect" God. Though I am hurting over what my parents have taught me that has caused me to be so fucked up in the head, I am hurting more that I am disconnected from my family from now on.

It's not easy to be where I'm at. Did my morals and love simply vanish? No. I am me to the core. My love of philosophy and wanting to understand the world is still there. My love of people and wanting to be authentic is still there. I just don't care about our belief differences, our lifestyle differences, and our love differences. Be kind and be love. Tough love is such a joke. If love is kind, why has God been so unkind? Why does he get the excuse of being able to say "yes, no, maybe" to every prayer? And honestly, I could be more careful about typing all these thoughts out because someone could come across them and publish it for the world to see. Part of me doesn't care. I know that it could cause a deep rift. I know I still have suppressed feelings and can't fully feel things that maybe I should. But God is gone. My family believes in a being that is either indifferent, a sociopath, or not real.  I don't know what is real anymore. I'm not really sure of too much. I just know what I can't be, and what doesn't make sense to me anymore 

Run Carefree

"I think, therefore I am."
The only way I know I am going to move forward is because I keep deciding to do so. There have been several occurrences this week that have completely bogged me down and caused my heart to seep low into my chest. My spirit is still heavy, sorting through the mess I don't want to fall into. I have been so insistent on ignoring the doubts that scream "failure is all that will come." In the midst of this uncertainty, I have found certainty in unexpected things. What's amazing is that when something seemingly serendipitous occurs, I'm not just crediting a God for a "miracle." I'm crediting the humans around me for providing help, and myself for pushing the boundaries and humbling myself.

Even though I know this school as a whole isn't the best place for the person I am in my beliefs and thoughts, there are individual people here who, without their influence or presence in my life, I would be aching to get through this time. My indifference to people here has shifted and I do care again, and I am glad that some of those feelings and emotional responses have returned. These last two years of school have been fucking exhausting and painful, but I didn't suffer completely alone. Depression is a lonely battle, but I did find my people here, and I have found safety amidst judgmental and small minded people. I think that once I started realizing I'm in control of creating my own positive mindset, my own happiness, and my own success, I've started dealing with life better and dealing with hardship better. I had my first meltdown in months yesterday, but it actually made sense to have it occur, so I let myself cry it out. I lost my financial help as far as I know. So, I went to the business office and financial aid office at school and was able to get more money from the government. I had to humble myself and beg. I wouldn't have been able to get more aid if my help hadn't fallen through. And honestly, that means that if I get help in the end, it will be lesser amount needed now.

Well, I have to get back to working on homework and projects. I know that no one but me really reads this, but I want to be faithful to the Hannah that started this blog. I can't believe I started it almost 6 years ago. We've come a long, long way. 

Yeah, This Is Real

I'm halfway through February and you know what that means? I will be a college graduate, and in Austria, in 3 months. I know I couldn't seem to not update last month (already only like 5 updates but that's a lot considering I hadn't done it that much last year) and now February is whizzing by and this is my first post. Honestly, I'm surprised, too. Yes, I am still working through a lot of questions and changes, and yes, school is stress galore along with trying to do insurance class online and work. But I am happy. There are things in life that will never be solved, never be sorted, and people I will never please or make like me, and I am happy - as happy as a girl could be in my situation in life. I don't need to live in fear of who won't approve of me because I need to live with myself at the end of the day. Here I am, in a place in life, where I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me. That's huge progress.

When I was re-reading some of my old entries and thoughts on here or in journals, I realized my journey to where I am at right now is really not that far off from where I was then. Okay, maybe it is further off, but it has been directed from the same path, if you get what I mean. The thoughts that were being implanted in my head, the questions that started arising, the wondering and aching for something better and something more real - those things were all happening to me slowly over the last two years, and then more intensely last summer. Obviously, when that severe depression hit - though I know I was working through depression in general then, it just got worse - I was left to really deal with those thoughts without any sugarcoating, without any fluff, and without any feelings. When I see what I was going through by how I described it, I know how strong I am. I know I share a lot of things with people nowadays because I have close friends, but I can still see that I hold back so much.

One thing I never did before was make light of my feelings, where I'm at in life or in my thoughts, and make self-deprecating jokes. But I believe, through my friendship with my roommate Emily, I have been able to not be so serious and to try to find light and freedom in those things. Of course, since I didn't have emotions for a while, all I had was to make light of my situation because I didn't want anyone feeling anything for me. It would've been wasted on me. For example, the time my counselor cried when I described my emotionless state and the wonders I had if my family would love me if they knew I don't believe anything anymore. The only thing I could feel was discomfort or awkwardness because I didn't know what to do. Don't worry. We both know my emotions have slowly rolled back in, but not all of them and not to the intense way they were. I'm glad about that.

I recently listened again to the song "Science and Faith" by the Script. One of the lyrics caused me to think and reflect a bit: "You won't find faith or hope down a telescope. You won't find heart and soul in the stars. You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can't explain a love like ours." And I just thought, what if? What if I can't logic the crap out of faith and it is just an abstract idea, that holds more feeling than logical reasoning? I don't want to just "accept it" or "deal with it." Emily is going to let me borrow a book written by a science that talks about his journey through deconstructing his faith and then rebuilding it, while being able to claim his scientific energy and mindset.