This blog has been my escape for several years now. I started it when I started college. When I began it, I guess I assumed I would make entries more often than I do, and honestly I am not bothered that I come to it rarely. I created so many other social media outlets that this one isn't my first go-to, but maybe it should be a more prominent one.
I'm sitting at Martin's, drinking iced coffee, and dabbling on little bits of homework and sending out emails for information on projects that are due. I cannot believe I actually survived this school year. I have less than a two weeks left to go, and I actually lived through, saw things through, and didn't quit. My counselor here at school has said to me several times that she would completely understand if I never talked to anyone anymore and just dropped myself out and away from people. I don't know why I still pursue intimacy with anyone because it terrifies me while intrigues me. Megan once said to me that I'm a lover and I can't help it. She's right. I don't have to look for people very hard, they kinda just come into my path and I want to show kindness and love. But sometimes, I want to shut down. I want to cut everyone off and disappear.
Do I have every right to hide away from people and shut everyone out? Do severe hurts inflicted on me allow me to ignore the world? I'm not sure that's how life is supposed to work.
When I decide to go alone, like I can't depend on anyone or confide in anyone, I end up making bad decisions. I am not used to supportive friends. To me, it seems like a "Punk'd" episode and I'm just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to show up and laugh in my face. I know how depressing that sounds - I don't think my friends are real. What? I'm jaded, okay. I would base my thoughts off other things if I had better life experiences with people. The last time I looked to someone my age for help or advice or just as my confidant, that person shut me out.
Once I begin to internalize things, I know I'm done for. There comes to a point where the truth of me just isn't something I can bear to share anymore. I've been an open book because I've been shut up and shut down for so long, by so many. But I keep making decisions that aren't safe. I want care, and when the people I'm looking to won't lend it out, I look elsewhere and make damaging choices. If I could give myself a speech on how I just need to push through the hurts and not let myself shove everything away, I would start the outline. I desire things that also scare me, and then I hate myself for what I end up grabbing for.
Just like socialism, why work extra hard for anything when the outcome is always the same? "Do or do not, there is no try." I don't know why I added a quote from Yoda because I don't see how the context makes the least bit of sense. Maybe if I was more mysterious, less vulnerable, more withdrawn, and more ambiguous, maybe I'd hurt less and be less disappointed. But is that any way to truly live, to be so un-involved?
I'm sitting at Martin's, drinking iced coffee, and dabbling on little bits of homework and sending out emails for information on projects that are due. I cannot believe I actually survived this school year. I have less than a two weeks left to go, and I actually lived through, saw things through, and didn't quit. My counselor here at school has said to me several times that she would completely understand if I never talked to anyone anymore and just dropped myself out and away from people. I don't know why I still pursue intimacy with anyone because it terrifies me while intrigues me. Megan once said to me that I'm a lover and I can't help it. She's right. I don't have to look for people very hard, they kinda just come into my path and I want to show kindness and love. But sometimes, I want to shut down. I want to cut everyone off and disappear.
Do I have every right to hide away from people and shut everyone out? Do severe hurts inflicted on me allow me to ignore the world? I'm not sure that's how life is supposed to work.
When I decide to go alone, like I can't depend on anyone or confide in anyone, I end up making bad decisions. I am not used to supportive friends. To me, it seems like a "Punk'd" episode and I'm just waiting for Ashton Kutcher to show up and laugh in my face. I know how depressing that sounds - I don't think my friends are real. What? I'm jaded, okay. I would base my thoughts off other things if I had better life experiences with people. The last time I looked to someone my age for help or advice or just as my confidant, that person shut me out.
Once I begin to internalize things, I know I'm done for. There comes to a point where the truth of me just isn't something I can bear to share anymore. I've been an open book because I've been shut up and shut down for so long, by so many. But I keep making decisions that aren't safe. I want care, and when the people I'm looking to won't lend it out, I look elsewhere and make damaging choices. If I could give myself a speech on how I just need to push through the hurts and not let myself shove everything away, I would start the outline. I desire things that also scare me, and then I hate myself for what I end up grabbing for.
Just like socialism, why work extra hard for anything when the outcome is always the same? "Do or do not, there is no try." I don't know why I added a quote from Yoda because I don't see how the context makes the least bit of sense. Maybe if I was more mysterious, less vulnerable, more withdrawn, and more ambiguous, maybe I'd hurt less and be less disappointed. But is that any way to truly live, to be so un-involved?
