Season Finale

There is something about this moment in my life right now that feels like the end of a 6 season TV series. This is the last episode, the season finale of Red Panda, and here comes the big surprise. There is no such thing as happily ever after. Paths get fucked up all the time and lead us to where we never thought we'd be. TV shows tend to end after some big event occurs (like graduation). I leave for Chicago to fly out to Austria in just 45 minutes. This journey, with you my dear Red Panda blog, has been chaos and beautiful, sorrowful and breaking, renewing and reviving, destructive and instrumental.

I walked out of my apartment, last one out, leaving my key and parking tag behind. It would have been movie like if my suitcase hadn't gotten got on one of the rivets in the sidewalk and I dropped it completely. (Yes, I laughed). Fuck movie moments. I've had enough to be grateful for, but they are just moments and moments slip by. There are people and loves and hurts I've hung onto because I hoped somehow they would be renewed, fulfilled, and come back to me. I have to let go. This is the final chapter of of a part of me that is gone now.

Can you believe that 6 years ago I was graduating high school, and I was so lost and that terrified me? I lost myself completely, just to find me again, and to find myself in the eyes and hearts of others I never could have imagined in my life. I am learning how to be honest and authentic, not just with friends or strangers, but finally with my family. It has taken years to not fear them, fear what they think, what they'd say or do, and if they wouldn't love me anymore. I can't be careful just because of that fear. Since when I have I ever backed down and turned around and stopped? These last six years prove that I don't give up. I'm emotional and tearing up, but not because I'm sad. I just can't believe I made it. My cousin told my oldest sister yesterday that, "Hannah looks so happy. I have never seen her just look this happy." I am.

I'm moving out, moving on, moving forward, and I am going to make it. To anyone who followed my journey through Red Panda, thanks for being there. And to future Hannah: look at you, girl. You've come so far, you've endured, you've loved, you've conquered! I love you now, and I will love you always.

List Out

This is it. This is my last post as a college undergrad. In just 30 minutes, my graduating class and I will be lining up to do a run-through of the ceremony tomorrow. Then, tomorrow comes, I walk in with my classmates, and I get my diploma (in the mail because I'm technically not done 'til after my trip to Austria). I leave for Austria in 2 days. I have to tell my parents I'm moving out when they come up for my graduation tomorrow. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ready.

When I started this blog, I don't really remember what I hoped it would become. I knew that it would be a place I could come to and vent, poetize, and figure out what's going on in my head. I have unleashed many stories, poems, and tears over the things I've written on here. This blog has seen me at my worst and at my most in love or happiest. I am rising out of yet another series of deep depression, and I continue to rise stronger. I can't believe that just in 9 months, I had at least 3 periods of deep depression. That has to be the worst I've experienced yet, but I emerged still.

I'm more anxious to tell my parents (my mom) I'm moving out in July. Even though I will be 24 in a month an a half, I still get so much anxiety when it comes to talking to my mom about anything. She is very self-righteous, and seems to enjoy making others need her, or having others need her. I keep thinking she is just going to severely judge me for any decision I make. I remember that my sister left home and moved out at midnight when she was almost 23. If she can do that, I can move out during the day and in a planned fashion. I know my relationship with my parents is different than hers, and I know my mom views me differently, but that doesn't mean it's right. I also just need out. If I wait around and stay at home, H will be offended and hurt by that, and I also will prolong the inevitable (moving out). Sometimes making things work, surviving, learning how to live on my own or save money, is by forcing myself to just do it. That's what I've always wanted to just do, but my mom has always infiltrated my thoughts with panic about finances, causing me to believe I won't make it. She recently said to me that she was concerned I wouldn't make it on my own. Well, look at me, mom. Trying to make it on my own.

Reasons to tell my parents why I want to move out:
1. I need to just do it and be responsible for myself
2. I want to prove I can make it
3. The girl I'm going to live with is AWESOME and the situation is perfect for me
4. The rent is not bad, and I need to take this opportunity
5. I want to live closer to work
6. After living on my own, it's hard to come back home and be the kid again (because yes, I will be the kid still).
7. After living on my own, it's going to make us living together much harder, and I want to keep our relationship good.
8. I'm going to be 24 years old.
9. I want to connect to the community I'm going to be a part, so living there is a better decision, especially now that it is an option.

Yes, I took a picture of those reasons. Yes, I have weird knots in my stomach just thinking about talking to my mom about moving out. My dad brought it up though, last weekend. He told me I needed to start thinking about the cost of an apartment in Indy, and other expenses. I told him I had thought about those things in detail, and since I didn't know anyone who needed a roommate, that I couldn't afford to get an apartment on my own. But just within 2 days of saying that, I talked to my good friend, and she connected me to her best friend who was looking for a housemate within the next couple of months. Ary can live there. Rent is affordable. She's a fun-loving, honest, open, and spiritual girl.

Well, I have to leave this coffee shop and go back to campus and get this practice over with.

Quotes on Decoration

"Love with your whole heart." A TJ Maxx wooden canvas decor piece has that phrase written on it. There are others similar to it that say, "Home is wherever I'm with you" or "Home is where you hang your heart." Those didn't cause a twinge of any feeling in me like the first one. I feel pain thinking about that phrase. I've had to fit a role my whole life, I've played a role my whole life, and I've been afraid to just make people accept me for who I am and what I really think. I was afraid until I met some of the friends I've made in the last two years.

Trust me, I've thought about so much stuff in the last few months that my mind could explode. The good part is that all the things I wasn't dealing with in a good way, or not really dealing with at all, have slapped me in the face and demanded attention. The relationship I created with my parents is on the verge of completely disappearing and becoming something else. The hurtful words and holier-than-thou beliefs about my sister have dissipated, and I refused to apologize to my mom about something I said she thought was rude. I am changing. Is it love to finally show who I am? My sister told me that I have been a form of deceitful, and she is right. It's been out of fear that I've withdrawn and not said otherwise in the past, but I have slowly shifted from that as my thoughts, beliefs, ideals, and morals have grown and changed.

Gosh, I want to love with my whole heart. I've been shown love to look so conditional. I told my friend A last night that it's not that I don't believe someone out there could be the perfect-timing-Alex for me. I know I'm not capable of loving a man at this point. What happened to me, what has happened to me, those scars and that trauma has caused a ripple effect, and I didn't even realize that until now. This school year led me to become a very different person. Is there a difference between deeply caring and deeply loving? How do I become capable of loving someone?

The best choice for me right now is to not try to commit to anyone for a while. I don't know how long "a while" is, but I haven't jumped into a new relationship thingy and it's been three weeks since I ended things with K. I'd say I'm proud of me, and I am, but at the same time, I've been too severely emotionally depressed, sickly/ill, and busy.  Though I have reached out to some, it's been half heartedly. I even asked someone to coffee, which he postponed because of business, but I was kind of relieved he did. A said its possible to have a relationship with someone where we "girl talk" but also are in love. That'd be nice. A male version of B and my cousin would be perfect for me. Someone who really listens to what I say and someone who doesn't freak out about what I say.

You know how doomed I'd be if the wrong person found my blog? I've thought about that a little bit, but it would also kind of be relieving because then I wouldn't have to say everything to people. However, some things have been shared when I probably wasn't in the calmest state of mind. I'd really like for the cognitive dissonance to be reduced. You either change your mindset or change your behavior. I do both in different situations. I don't know. Some people can never be their true selves, which is strange and somewhat sad to think about.

A might have found me a roommate; her best friend needs a housemate in August. We're supposed to video chat tonight, and then officially meet once I'm back from Austria, which I can't believe I'm leaving for in A WEEK! The setup is perfect for me, and even the timing is ideal. Two whole months at my new job would give me a steady income, and not too much time at home. My sister offered me to move in with her and her boyfriend, but he's moving in June, around the time I'd need to move in. I'd live there for two months just to move out? I don't know. I want to not move back in with my parents, but my stuff is already there, and moving Ary twice wouldn't be fair to her. I'm conflicted. At this point, if I move in with my sister, my mom will take it directly as something against her, like I'm choosing my sister over her. There's already all this tension over stupid shit, over my mom just never standing down and always having to be right in her beliefs. Well, I guess the joke's on you mom because we don't believe those things anymore. So, her righteousness has no hold on us, the argument doesn't work anymore, and it doesn't give her more credibility.

I can't believe I graduate in 6 days. Maybe I'll find love in Austria. I don't mean a man. Maybe I'll find healing and be able to purge myself of some of the baggage I'm taking there with me. I overheard someone in a line for a concert say (basically) "The flight attendant will probably stop me from boarding with a carry on bag because I have too much baggage." So I rephrased that as, "I have too much emotional baggage to bring a carry-on." Well, I am hoping that I can leave some behind.