Raise My Coffee Cup to the New Year I Suppose

Well, fuck. It's been several months, hasn't it?  My computer is so slow due to needing so many updates, and the last time I used it was to post the last blog. Back in July. I don't write as much as I used to because I really fill my free time/alone time with weight training. All my poetic thoughts are still inside of me, but I just gave myself a break this year, I suppose, from really dwelling on things. I think that comes from J's influence and energy, since he doesn't focus on the past like at all. I do want to always be moving forward, but I know that reflecting is part of my identity, and I should do it occasionally still to keep myself in check. I'm the only one that comes back here and reads this, but I haven't done that really this year. That's okay. I'm going through difference phases of life all the time, every year, and I don't need to relive often. I'm the weirdo that just stood up at the coffee shop and stretched and did "steps" so I can get my 9 hours of activity in on my fitbit. That's who I've become now. hahaha. It's important to me. OK.

I'm avoiding what I came here to talk about. I shouldn't avoid my thoughts. I never thought I'd feel this, where I am, and I guess I don't want to admit it "out loud," but the only person I'm hiding this from really is myself. I used to be so afraid that my parents wouldn't love me anymore because of "losing" my faith. But I realized that they never loved me for who I am. I've spent all this time learning and understanding them from afar, trying to find ways to understand and empathize with who they are even though it's so different from me half the time. Yet somehow everything is about them. I can only pinpoint all this really on my mom because my dad is so passive and doesn't speak up to how strongly he feels most of the time, but I know it isn't far off from her. She's just a bit more brash and rude, and he's a bit more passive. And I think I've tried to embrace more how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, identifying where it's coming from. But with certain things, I just don't want to focus on it, I don't want to go there, and I don't want to process it because I know how much it hurts. I don't suppress it, I just kinda want to leave it on the surface, but I will keep myself in the dark ocean where it's safe and mysterious. That isn't a better method.

I've also been avoiding reading C's emails. Some people are tempted to obsess over people that have hurt them, or that they've hurt, or people who we've grown apart from ... But I just don't. I haven't been even the slightest curious as to what he had to say. I just assumed it's something I've read before. He lives life in a circle, repeating the same mistakes and the same lies over and over. How could he produce something I've never seen? He never has. Besides, I told him I hated him without reading his message, so it wouldn't change that fact. He doesn't know. And that's okay.

How many times have I said here that if someone found this besides the audience that looks over it from time to time already...how screwed would I be? Just imagine, my parents finding this. That would be so so so interesting. But they'd see how I was so terrified, and how I was so sick of all the unnecessary guilt and shame. Not that my words would really reach them. They'd still write it off, like they do now. My existence and experiences aren't valid to them. I can't find my own purpose, my own happiness, my own moral code, and it all has to be because it's their fault. God is still amazing and they were bad messengers. Why does everyone assume it was just Christians that ruined Christianity for me? Sure, some of the people that really broke me down were Christians. I won't put that in parentheses because they WERE Christians. They REALLY were. But this is the problem, that belief system brought me pain and grief and disappointment to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I begged for death. It gave me fake highs and REAL REAL lows. When my emotions went away, so did my beliefs. That's how I knew it wasn't real. There was no God in the silence of my mind. In the stillness, there was me. I got myself through that, I took myself to therapy every other week, and I got myself out of bed without anyone pulling my hand. I pushed myself to search for the truth, and found so many holes. I did the work. I wasn't looking for an out. It would've made my personal life SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER to have been able to still believe. They really think it's as simple as just wanting to do what I want, and to fuck outside of marriage. How fucking ridiculous is that?! It's as if they never knew me. Wait, wait... they didn't. I was always intended to be a carbon copy of them blended together. But I'm not. Do they even know how HARD IT WAS to realize that something I based my whole life on was now senseless and meaningless? I had to rebuild myself. It was far from easy to "walk away."

After what my mom did and said to me, I am never going to be so passive and "kind," She tried to guilt me, but that doesn't work anymore. You have no fucking hold on me and my morals. You taught me how to say mean things to myself and feel sorry for myself. But I taught myself how to STRENGTHEN THE FUCK UP and shut those thoughts down. To stop being so "humbly" pitiful. If you just accepted me for who I am, you wouldn't be so grrrriiieeved. If you just thought to yourself for one second, "Wow, Hannah is a human being. She's been living on her own for over a year now and hasn't asked for money or to come home once. WOW. She's doing a lot better than I expected since I know she always had a hard time saving money. That's good for her. Wow, she's working 6 days a week. That must be rough. I hope she's eating enough and eating well. I am so happy she has John in her life. He seems to really balance her out." But no. You think about the negative all the time. You repeat to yourself that "Hannah is selling herself short. Hannah is immoral. Hannah threw away my beliefs. Hannah is living in sin. Hannah probably spends all her money and is irresponsible. Hannah is gonna get pregnant and have a bastard child."

I don't care what you think anymore. I learned that I can't care about what you think anymore. "I'll never be who you want me to be. I can't be who you want me to be." Megan told me to space myself from them for a while, and I agree. Hell, my bosses told me they didn't speak to their parents for 5-8 years because they wanted to get the point across to them to just FUCKING STOP. That you either accept me for who I am, or you get nothing. I don't know if I am ready for that kind of move because it seems a bit petty. But I did donate the book they gave J and I to where I work. hahaha. And I got books I'd actually read in return.

~ Wow it got cold in the coffee shop randomly...brrrrr~ I always get hungry at the coffee shops I spend a significant amount of time at, so I CAME PREPARED TODAY! I brought raspberries, banana chips, and sea salt dried chickpeas. One of my goals for the new year is to lower my body fat percentage, so I need to snack better. For some reason, my self control has been a bit out of sorts when it comes to food this last year. So I really need to refocus and push myself to be disciplined. And it's not like I'm asking for a lot of restriction, HANNAH. Just like, don't eat a bunch of sweets or two bowls of cereal when YOU JUST ATE a chicken and pasta dinner. OH MY LAWD IT'S COLD IN HERE! One girl here took her coat off and is wearing A TANK TOP. HOW?! This entry has become very random. I'm okay with that. These are how my thoughts work. So, I'm just being very transparent.

Second cup of coffee time. They aren't big mugs. But it's so good to drink GOOD coffee black. I don't remember exactly the last time I sat in here. Maybe months. It feels good to be here. It's no Colectivo, but it's good enough. I remember when I was in school, I'd take a Saturday or Sunday and drive far off to a coffee shop away from campus, and spend hours there. I'd work on homework, write poetry, and write in this blog. That version of me seems so far away. So long ago. My sister has had two kids since then. I'm going to be seeing at least two of my friends from school in January that I haven't seen since I graduated. I'm relieved for that. I have grown and changed so much since then, but I know my core self is still the same. I will still connect with these wonderful women in the same way we bonded back then. Over random activities and adventures, and drinking wine, and doing yoga and working out, or listening to music, talking about astrology and beliefs, or playing music, talking about boys in our lives, and girls that caused drama. They validated my existence when I was struggling with who I was. They encouraged me. I hope when I see them that I can be an encouragement, a delight, and a refreshment. That sounds weird, but I don't know another way to express what I mean. I just want to be a good friend.

Okay. I think I might do it. I might read that email. - - it's been 45 seconds since I decided I was going to read it, and I'm getting anxiety. Maybe I shouldn't. BUT REMEMBER HANNAH. He has no power over you and he won't know you read it and you are in a safe place. You're okay. I've never been more aware of my anxiety until this year since I haven't been depressed ( like felt heavy) in  a long time.

Well, I read both and my whole body is shaking. because anxiety is great. it was a note telling me he still thought of me. that he moved back to his hometown. Wow. It's so interesting to read what he said, and then knowing I didn't read it, see my response. But you know what, I don't care. He realized where I had fit in his life, and it was too late. "As always, I'll respect what you need"... BAHAH WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. He's delusional. Our relationship was so unbalanced and problematic and toxic. And he only ever imposed his thoughts and feelings onto me, and then removed himself as soon as I started to lean on him. So, I'd fall and I'd break my bones. He mentioned missing our conversations but not missing me as an actual person. He misses what I gave him. I don't feel the need to actively hate him, but he really hurt me.

And honestly, I'm glad that J doesn't want to have conversations the way he and I did. Well, it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't think that way, so he doesn't communicate that way. I always knew how much I cared about C, and what I thought we could be and have. But he was so absorbed in his own thoughts. There was a rough lesson I learned in that whole painful process. If someone doesn't know how they feel about me, but I know how I feel about them, then that's it. I walk away. Because I'm not going to stand here, knowing how I feel, while they are uncertain and unsteady. I think that's my Taurus in Venus coming out. And that's what would upset me so much. How can you really see me, SEE ME, loving you so fiercely, and yet be so uncertain? And I realized, no more. Never again. That got through to J. And it's never gotten through to anyone before him. So, that's how I know he loves me as I am. I don't feel insecure anymore, and I don't worry about it when we fight about similar stuff that we broke up over. We have a foundation, and it's going to last for a while.

Well, I guess I've released a bit of what has been sitting there on the surface. Almost done with that second cup of coffee, but I don't think I'll get a third. That would be a bit much. I can't believe it took me four months to actually read that email. I used to jump on what he'd send me, but not anymore. And he said he was done trying to contact me. OH you are NOW? I thought my ignoring you was obvious enough for you to stop?? If he had just given me space like I had asked for, this could've been handled much differently, but he's never respected my needs. And every single time I got a voicemail and then an email... It made my anger grow so deeply. It took root, and became grounded into my stomach. He should've left me alone. I can't blame myself for how I reacted. Just because I read it now, I shouldn't judge myself or be hard on myself. He needed to know that his thoughtless actions have consequences, that his selfishness will cost him.

He isn't the only person that lost me as a friend this year. Well, technically he lost me last year, but it's "more official" now. Ha. How can someone say they KNOW they didn't do something when they also say they don't remember everything? Hmmm. That makes all the sense in the world. No more being friends with people that give me anxiety, that I have to serve to constantly, who I have to be who they want me to be, who make me feel like I have to be silent, who make me feel overwhelmed, who never let me talk, who play mind games, who treat me like a product... I'm not going to join in on the toxicity anymore. If you burn me, I WILL DROP YOU. If I can't be my real self around you, I won't go out of my way to be around you at all. I don't care who you are.

Alright bye for now. 

these are Delicate Matters

Some parts of my life are a blur. The times I felt too much or didn't want to feel at all are like very distant dreams, and I can only see them through thick, colorful glasses. I wasn't a "normal" child. While reading the Empath Experience my friend B gave me, I recognize that I never mimicked others so tremendously that I didn't know who I was. I've always had depth, I've always connected better with older people, or really just older souls, and I always had an interest in spirituality, deep emotions expressiveness, creativity, writing, and nature. The more I learn about my Empathy, and also take into account my natal chart, I was shaped to be exactly who I am so spectacularly. I am a moon child, a Cancer sun sign, with the moon as my planet, and I was born on a Monday. I see the moon and feel peace, and I don't dread Mondays (more like Tuesdays....) I also am a Libra moon, and Libra's generally seek peace, balance and harmony. They weigh out the options, and take their time to assess situations, and choose what will create the greatest good (or try to) and finding the truth is very important to them. Libra represents weights/balances/scales. Creating calm in my life, finding calm, and identifying what gives me anxiety and seeking to relieve it has been a driving factor in my choices. What's interesting is, as a Libra moon, that makes sense. As a Virgo rising, the anxiety I deal with makes sense. And then add in being an Empath, it's just a perfect recipe tied up with a bow. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I was born at the precise time I was supposed to be born in order to deal with being who I am.

While I'm reading some of the first chapter of the book my friend gave me, I'm a little nervous to really dive into my abilities. Just reading these introductory paragraphs leave me in tears. I'm not losing my shit, but just tearing up. Like wow. It's so good to know I am not alone in my experiences, my intense experiences. But also, what does it mean to really empower myself with this skill? I think I developed depression as a coping mechanism for feeling too much, because when really traumatic things happened, I just couldn't handle it. I think I sensed my dad's depression, what he told me he experienced when we first moved to Indiana, and I adapted to it? It's just a theory. I remember writing a poem about being raped, my mom finding it, and freaking out. I was trying to process what happened to my sister, and I only heard bits and pieces of the story, but I knew she had been abused to some degree. Yes, I was only 9 yrs old when all these things were revealed, but I understood. I saw my dad weep, and I knew it was something so devastating that my father, while an emotional being, wouldn't hide weeping from us anymore. I don't remember my dad every showing us him tear up, even though I know he would cry when he prayed intensely. Well, at least I know that in later years, when we moved to Indiana. I don't know if he actually did that when we lived in PA, before what happened. The only lie my mom every inadvertently told me was to view moving to Indiana like a vacation. She knew it would be hell, but she wanted to keep a brave face, and not seem so defeated as she was. But I knew she was devastated, and I knew she was resentful toward the universe that she was losing the first place she really called home. Maybe that's why I was so hateful towards Indiana, and Hoosier things for so long, My parents never wanted to be here either, and I could sense that in all of us. I just didn't know I was picking up the others' vibes and emotions.

It makes sense that I eventually have come to hate certain people that I do hate. The energy they give off is so revealing to me of who they really are. I hate them for being soul sucking leeches, and no one else seeming to pick up on it. They overwhelm me, and being with them for more than a day just bogs me down, and I have actually cried from it before. When I was surrounded by certain people a few years ago for 4 days straight with no down time, I started crying while we all sat in the living room. I hid it because how could I explain, Hey I'm so overwhelmed by your high energy and life sucking personalities that I am actually in tears..? I am grateful that I have had a job where people have been awful to me and I learned to really toughen up and speak up sooner, and not be afraid to be anxiety ridden but speak my truth anyway. I've learned that a lot this last year. Yes, I hate how I've been treated at my job, but I also have grown that this experience was necessary, too. That is the good thing about myself; I try to find purpose and meaning and lessons in all of my experiences. I learned how to really sift through my memories and experiences in a beneficial way because of my counselor at school. She taught me to look at the key phrases I use that stand out, and to dig deeper but also to give myself space and grace to heal.

Being an Empath sometimes means understanding so much about the people around me before they know if for themselves. I have learned to just fully trust my intuition and not to be so anxious about others responses. It's not that I HAVE TO BE RIGHT. It's that the energy I pick up is never wrong. It isn't me... The people I experience omit enough energy off themselves, that it is what I am really seeing and talking about, and it isn't my own opinions most of the time. It is was I see and experience, and it's outside of me. I have learned more that while things are personal in how people/ "friends" treat me or react, most people are selfish and too focused on self preservation to really care about how something effects others until they are confronted about it. Our initial reaction is to double down and defend ourselves. I only defend myself when I know 100% something isn't true. I want someone to dislike me for what is true about me that they don't like, not for a lie or a misconception they created to make themselves feel better. I also realized that I want to be a specific type of person with all people, and I won't be close to people who make me feel like I can't be that person. I did cut off a "best friend" recently because I realized I was just not myself with her, and she wasn't the type of friend I wanted anymore. Being friends with her had been a negative experience for a long time, but I tried to justify it because I knew deep down she cared about me, but it was always on her terms, and never how I needed to be cared for. It was selfish. I'm not here to say I am so much better, but I am blessed that my Empathy has forced me to pay attention to how the people I'm closest to need love. I don't get to choose how B or J or N needs to be loved. Their energy shows me what they need, and I have to comply, otherwise I'm failing my duty as an Empath. I have this ability for a reason. I need to take care to listen to my intuition and senses.

All these thoughts I'm working through and typing out reminded me of something B recently said to me. "You are one of the most selfless people I know..." I used to take things a lot more personally than I do now. I really have seen that most people are too caught up in their own schemes to really notice what they've done, and how it hurts someone else... the ripple effect. I don't excuse the behavior, but I understand it. There is more to this treatment than just being mean or hurtful to me, or neglectful or whatever. And I think once I somehow realized that we all do what we think makes sense outside of the consequences that can occur, that helped me really remove myself from others choices and understand them better. The hurt and pain is still there, but now I know why. So, I stopped needing to ask why someone did something, because I learned sometimes there really isn't a clear answer in their own hearts, and I would probably be better off not knowing, or just reading the vibes and leaving it alone. But I made ground rules for myself in my intimate relationships. And I won't stay close to anyone who won't comply. You might think that's selfish, but it isn't because I want equal, empowering, honest friendships that are deep, helpful, nurturing, seeking balance together, and being empathetic (in the general sense and not to my depth/degree). What I want for myself is something that others should have too! We should learn how to care for each other how we need, and not just how we want to do something. I won't be with someone who wants codependency, or flattery, or wants me to bend to their will. That takes away the realness.

I also know that at a certain point, past experiences or memories cannot be brought up again to use against someone if I decided to not address them. If I chose that it was best to let go of something, it needs to be let go of. If I hadn't figured out what to do yet, and it spans over a period of years, that's different for me. This isn't about justifying grudges. I seek resolvement, but sometimes it is very hard to find resolvement when the issue is a consistent wave, crashing down every year but never giving me enough time to work through what I feel. When I say "what I feel," that includes much more than just my emotional reactions.

I may add more to my thoughts here later, but I need to pause for now.

A Little Bit of Complaining, A Little Bit of Relief

Yesterday, I experienced pure joy for the first time in a while. I am going to work for Anthropologie, a store who's aesthetic I fell in love with the moment I walked in 5 years ago. There wasn't this dream in the back of my mind to work for the company, but the opportunity arose when I saw a posting on Linkedin during my constant job search. They had me submit an application with some paragraph answers, and then fill out a survey. After that, I was asked to meet with the hiring manager, and we talked and she asked when I could start new hire training. My mouth dropped, I'm sure. I didn't realize I had the job! This is a large company, with several brands that are linked, and the headquarters are in Philadelphia (the city I've wanted to move to probably about as long as I knew that I wanted an apartment that had the same vibes as Anthropologie). It isn't that the starting pay is so much better than the job I currently have, it's the exact same starting pay. But with this company, there are opportunities to move upward and forward, and maybe just plain MOVE. The variety of merchandise this store holds might come across as overwhelming to someone who's used to selling one type of product, but I've been working at a thrift store for the last 8 months, and had to learn about all sorts of items that I knew nothing about or didn't even know what they were. I don't know if you can tell, but I can feel the eagerness in my thoughts and words as I type about this.

I'm ready for something new and fresh, a change of pace, an actual good discount, making new connections with coworkers and hopefully making more female friends out of this. I need to separate my personal life from my work life more, mostly as a way to stay sane because I am so so tired of all the crossover. I can't wait to tell the bosses at my current place that I got another job, and I'll be cutting my hours. It feels so empowering to know that it's their loss, a huge loss when I cut hours, and that it will cause them some issues. That sounds cruel, but I am tired of the BS, the low pay, no benefits, and constant scrutiny without real direction. I hate that I have a burden of responsibility and not a compensation to match it. I'm tired of hour long conversations that cover the same history lesson and no new helpful information. I'm tired of the attitudes and arrogance of the bosses, the gossip, and as the newest manager there puts it "mental masturbation." They sit around, drone on and on just to hear themselves talk, and they pat themselves on the back for it. Curse me the day someone I know reads this and this gets back to them, but honestly they should check themselves. I don't wish them ill, but they really need to stop thinking so highly of their "ideals" and "dreams" and actually pay attention to what's happening. They tell one person to stay in their lane, but yet let a different person consistently bully, boss around, and talk shit about whatever person they decided will be their bitch for a while. I've told one of them straight to their face that I would voice more concerns or issues I have if I believed I would be listened to or that they'd care. Did he even ask what I meant? hahahahaha NOOOOO. Because THEY DON'T CARE. I'm sick of that. I want to be valued, especially when they tell me the position I do is the most valuable part of the whole company (which isn't true in my opinion, but if it were true, it's pretty pathetic that I get paid such little money to essentially make sure the company doesn't fall apart....)

This job I have could be viewed like a toxic relationship. I'm not valued. I'm talked in circles. I don't benefit from it, except just the name. There's no direction, just a lot of selfishness, egotistical behavior, hypocrisy, and neglect. Yep, sounds like a bad relationship.

Just from the conversation with the hiring manager, I can already tell that this company promotes thinking about what's best for the workers, and creating a team that helps each other, and succeeds together. She said that those who want to work up into management do it. And when I told her I graduated with a degree in communications, she mentioned that their hq's are in Philly and that maybe one day I'd be working in the comm department. It was so thoughtful, and I've never had someone who was "interviewing" me think of MY future for me. This is a good thing. I really think that Anthropologie will be good to/for me and I will be good for them.

Something to remember, Hannah, is to not let the workplace become your only social place, and also to speak up even when you think the people won't listen. Value yourself, even though someone else might not. Speaking up to a boss that is difficult or won't listen to you shows them how you want to be treated. If you're silent all the time, sometimes that's just being passive and not helpful at all. Speak up when you KNOW you should, and be patient when the timing isn't right. I get to reinvent myself at this new workplace, and I am going to be someone great.

I thought I was done, but...

I had a dream last night that held characters from my past. There were people I had not thought about in depth for a long time, and there were others who I think about often. I didn't feel sadness, regret, or unsettled. Dreams continue to leave me with leftover feelings, no matter what they are about. Over the last year, I have severe night terrors that I hadn't experienced in such a long time. Dreams concern me because of the various times that they materialized. Maybe that's silly. There are not many things that leave me unhinged and anxious for extended periods of time anymore. What I hope is that I've developed healthy coping skills and have thrown aside most of the harmful ones.

On the tip of my tongue, I know there is much I want to say and relay. Blogging here always helped me settle what was in my head, or at least helped me work through it. I really enjoy coming back later and re-reading things I was processing. I miss leaving thoughts for future Hannah. Something I recognized about myself yesterday was that I have always sought out inner peace. Maybe I can finally give a polite nod to my religious upbringing for pounding the idea of conviction into me. Whenever I have felt extremely unsettled or anxious, or someone has emitted that energy, I have sought out whatever solution will make that feeling go away, and calm will come in. I'd break my heart to feel spiritual calm. It's really strange, but as I've developed this skill apart from religion, it has helped me find balance. Counseling really helped me develop.

Something else I've learned is that the inner voice directing me to feel uncomfortable about different things had nothing to do with conviction or the holy spirit. This came from my own instinct, intuition, and my empathy. I've paid attention to people, how I feel around them, and what I do to counteract when I feel negative. I didn't really believe it when my roommate told me I'm an empath, but the more I pay attention to people I care about/am around a lot, I can really identify what is them and what is me. I think about how others would feel about something, and I avoid confronting people who I know will emit feelings/energy that I don't want to absorb or be around. It's not just that I don't trust people with my opinion, it's also that I don't want their vibes. I honestly don't believe I'm so kind and thoughtful or caring as maybe I can appear. I want peace and calm, and I'll do everything I can to feel that way. I've done that my whole life.

Looking at my life through the lens that I am an empath, it's so strange to see things connecting differently. I had early depression. I was ten when I first experienced severe depression, dark thoughts. A couple of years ago, I was talking to my dad about the depression I was experiencing, when my emotions were completely gone and I just wasn't myself. He told me he didn't have depression like I did, but he remembered being deeply depressed when we first moved to Indiana. He had feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and wanting to die. Then, when I was listening to a podcast for Empaths, I remembered that conversation I had with my dad. "HOLY SHIT." It hit me. No wonder I was internally destroyed for years. I felt my dad's depression, and who knows who else's feelings. I've shown old poems to friends from when I was 14 years old, and they reacted like, "Wow, I was thinking of way simpler things when I was 14." I remember feeling everything.

Now I understand why it was so hard for me to want to be around my sister for a while. She is chaotic and passionate, her energy is loud and abrupt. I just internally wanted it to stop, and I didn't know how to handle it. She isn't as fucked by conflict as I can get, it seems. I could feel the anger dripping off her, and I hated that energy because I fucking hate anything but calm. I only fix problems because I hate feeling so unsettled. Is it purely selfish if it generally leads me to do the right/best thing? I also know I pay attention to body language. I worry about my friends' actions/behaviors not by how it affects me, but how it might fuck them over in the future if they continue to react in ways that I know aren't the best. I don't think I know everything or know better, I just know that I pay very close attention to people I care about, and that what I see won't be things they see. I also can feel their energy, and I just want to show them how to find calm and peace on their own. I just want to help.

I've never known myself so well before, and I know I am okay. If anything, life is good. There are really difficult things going on right now, and I've worked through many hard things before. I will continue to pursue peace, and do things that bring happiness and pleasure. At this point, I think I'm fully de-converted (haha that just sounds funny to me right now, I don't know why). I'm not angry about how I was raised much anymore, and I spiritually feel open. I don't need to figure out anything for certain, like how the universe was made. All I know is I exist for now, and there are others surrounding me who are in physical and spiritual forms that just want to keep existing, too. I don't care to identify as anything specific. I used to think, why should I believe something just because I like it or how it makes me feel? But now, I'm kind of thinking, if I like this idea, why can't I believe in it if I want to?



Babe, you're not lost.