Sour

When I started writing this post, I had about one full paragraph, but then somehow it was backspaced and deleted. So, I'm starting from scratch again. Honestly, that's sometimes how it looks daily; I am starting over again and again. 2016 has been a very strange year for those of us around me, and I'm not sure what to even begin writing down as hopes for next year. I don't want to stop pursuing the goals and hopes I noted back in December 2015. These are things that make sense, and some are ones that I should never stop doing or pursuing. I want to continue this growth, but I know that where I am at right now is far from where I was when I originally wrote that list. It seems like we often look back on our past self and think, "You silly thing. You knew nothing." But how funny is it that 2015 me said the same thing about 2014 me, and so on and so forth? This changing and reshaping evolution never ends, and damn, I am thankful. The tension of expansion and growth is hurtful and achy, but it is necessary.

This intense season of depression I am emerging from caused a huge part of me to die and get left behind. I read from a Huntington Post article that each time deep depression occurs, a part of us dies: a good part or a bad part. We lose something. I lost much of my normal way of processing and dealing with anything. I used to lead with my feelings and "heart." Because my feelings switched off for a long while, I had to cope with my brain. Using logic, sense, critical examination, and reason to figure out myself, my place, my mental disorder, and how to fight through the lack of energy and lack of emotion was so contrary to my normal function. Now I coming through as a person with less "feeling" tendencies and more "thinking" tendencies. How can depression completely reshape how someone processes life? Is that possible? Or have I been pushed so far over the edge that the only way to progress was to stop feeling and start thinking? I hate limbo and tension, but that is what I live in. How can someone be conscious of something being nonsensical and just being OKAY with that.

What remains on the surface of my thoughts is that my questions and uncertainty will never be satisfied and that the next person will tell me that I just have to "live with it." I don't want to live with it, I'm angry that I let religion and faith dictate my whole life when all it seems to be is a feeling and something I convince my brain that I am experiencing. There is no proof that providence exists, that miracles aren't accidents, and that there is life after death. We see what we want to see. We believe what we want to believe. We create images and ideas and feelings with our brains. How can we trust that all of this we are "processing" or accepting isn't just our brain playing tricks on us? How do I know that my brain isn't screwing with me right now? I have a mental disorder, a chemical imbalance! How can I trust my brain AT ALL? Religion is a feel good, afterlife guarantee dream that people have told stories about from generation to generation so they believe that everything happens for a reason, and so they can feel better about themselves. There are tests done that show people who think more positively are more likely to experience positive things than those who do not, or those who think more logically/realistically.

I don't know what to believe because every angle seems to take nonsensical faith. I want to believe many of the things I was forced to learn as a child - I had no options. Maybe if the people around me taught me in ways that weren't so damaging and forceful and as if there is no other religion that could possibly make sense, maybe I'd be able to say, "Yeah, I accept that I am deciding this is truth and this is real." But no. They taught me to be adamant that I AM RIGHT about which religion is the "only true religion", that the bible is infallible, and that if you don't agree with everything in it, you aren't and can't be a Christian. I've seen people abuse their positions, abuse their loved ones, and fake their way to top leadership, and screw everyone else. I've seem pornography and rape culture be dismissed, women be treated like after thoughts or property or THE PROBLEM, children oppressed and misused, and men never take responsibility.

 I am sick of being told I'm vile or wicked or sinful or worthless without a god. I'm sick of being told to love myself while being told to surrender myself and die to myself. These cliches mean nothing coming from the lips of those who are merely restating words they don't even feel or mean. I don't know what to believe. I want to be kind, good, loving, understanding, faithful, hopeful, real.. because that is who I should be, not because Jesus tells me to be or because I'll get into heaven if I believe in Jesus, not because I'll fucking get anything in return. But because THIS is who I should be, without reward of an afterlife. People don't question their faith because they don't want to risk not going to heaven, and that is stupid. I can't just "choose" Jesus because I don't want to risk not going to heaven. I want to be real, I want my love or faith to be because I am convinced of this person being worthy of faith, and trust, not because I gain anything. And don't tell me that is what you're doing, too. No. You're scared of being wrong and dying forever. I've been self-righteous for too long, and I want to walk away from that. I just want answers and experiences, beyond feelings and beyond critical thinking. 

Depression is a Quiet Darkness

The more I learn from school or pleasure reading, or podcast listening, or conversations with professors, the more my mind expands. I appreciate the ways that my education has pushed me to expand in ways I never would have imagined. I try to adapt my language and word usage to the communication style I've been taught is most effective or appropriate. My writing styles have developed, changed, bettered, and are enriched with stronger, more descriptive words. I didn't used to think I needed to learn how to express myself better, but now that I have been taught ways to write that I never knew existed, my options are unlimited. The only thing that seems limiting is me. No, I meant to use the word in that way. I am limiting, limiting my potential, my possibilities, and my drive. How am I doing that? I will try to explain.

I don't know how to ask for help, nor do I truly believe that it is acceptable for me to do so. I continually am told by friends or family that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. However, they are telling me this while they are on the sidelines, and not asking anyone for help in that moment. I'm the youngest of four children, raised in a family where I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness. I thought that if I didn't look like I had it figured out, like I was okay on the inside, that I wasn't going to be loved or accepted, understood or cared for, listened to or validated. No, my parents didn't do or say things that made me think this way in particular. The only thing my parents did was cause me to be in an atmosphere where I connected with people who led me to think this way. I have a hard time asking for help because I thought I would fail either way, and I would just be embarrassed further. I thought that my parents would be more proud if I somehow magically had my shit together without needing them, needing anyone, and by me responding with the right answers. I hate telling anyone that I'm a mess because I grew up thinking I needed to hide the sadness, the emotional turmoil, the helplessness, the disconnect, and the depression I've had since I was a kid. 

Why am I exposing myself to you now? The more I learn, the more I see how necessary it is to contribute my thoughts to the giant mess of networking that exists out there. In all the negative messages that occur on your newsfeed, here is my message with a snippet of my story. This is so that maybe the belief I deeply hold that my purpose in life to connect with others in a deep way can still actually happen despite the fact that I am severely depressed and have little to no drive to keep any connection with anyone whatsoever. For those who don't understand this type of depression or depression in general, it isn't being sad or grumpy or pessimistic. There is no root cause or pinpoint problem when I talk about depression; it is a complete imbalance in my brain. Yes, it is a real thing and I'm not asking for prayers, thoughts, or attention to ME on this. What I want to narrow in on is that there is still no excuse for me to ever give up, even when every part of my being is wrestling against itself, limiting itself, and telling itself to shut down and stay in bed. 

I'm not asking for help, especially since I've never been good at doing so. As I continue to study communications, I see how necessary it is to continue to connect with people, even when my brain tells me it doesn't matter anymore. I see how necessary it is to mimic the appropriate nonverbal expressions or use similar language or facial expressions as my friends even when my emotions are numb and my interest is nonexistent. Who I am to my core still exists despite how far away my body and brain seem to be from each other. Who I am still exists despite my uncertainty of everything I've thought, believed, or hoped, or trusted. I am limiting myself when I think I can't ask for help, I am limiting myself if I stop reaching out to friends even when my brain tells me I don't care anymore, I am limiting myself if I choose to stay in bed and hide, and I don't want to limit myself anymore. 

The reason I haven't posted anything in a long time is because I didn't know exactly how to describe where my mind has been the last few months. I daily am accepting each state of mind I am in, and learning to take care of myself as I learn more of who I am in this depression. If I haven't responded to you, if I haven't reached out, if I haven't tried to see you or do what I normally would in our friendship/relationship, I am sorry. I truly haven't been my full self for a while, and I am seeking out guidance and healing through it. I am not crying out for help or support or words of encouragement because honestly your words probably won't be received as well as you mean them, mostly because I cannot process things as I normally do - my brain is overworking itself. The most important thing I have been learning in all of this is that I still have to be real with people and be real with myself. I refuse to lie about or hide who I am, what I am facing, and what I think. 

My life motto is as follows: Be brave, be free, be love, and be real.

Despite what I feel or don't feel, because it seems like my feelings have been switched off, I am completely pursuing to represent my motto, whether my brain tells me I want to or not. Instead of just sending prayers or thoughts up for me, DO something. Seek out how you can be brave, be free, be love, and be real with the world around you. Seek out ways to stop limiting yourself, and pursue your potential. Seek to make yourself expand because you shouldn't use any excuses, just as I shouldn't.

If you have had similar experiences, or are having similar experiences as I am, don't be afraid to reach out to me. If you want to talk to me about what depression is and what's going on with me, I don't mind and please reach out to me. If you have any questions or thoughts, or if you want to encourage me, I am not opposed to that at all, just know the point of this wasn't to make anyone pity me or feel sorry for me.