I really am trying to be positive and work hard on bettering myself and my situation. I haven't ever been this focused on positive things in my life. I am getting stronger, smarter, better, healthier, and it has nothing to do with any guy or romance. I am bettering myself for me and for a bigger purpose. Yes, I tend to look at things negatively and with an anxious eye. But give me some credit, I am trying to grow and move on from that. Anything worth striving for can take a long time to gain, but I am learning to believe it is worth it. Becoming the best version of me, or at least continually working toward that, is one of my top priorities right now. And I know I still hold on to the past and don't fully forgive myself, because there are some things that I wish I could ( still ) change. I am working on that part, of learning to forgive myself fully for stupid mistakes because I can't redo anything that I do regret or dislike in my past. I have moved forward so far, and I am way beyond where I was this time last year, even 6 months ago, even three months. I have grown and changed my ways of thinking, my lifestyle, and my motivation.
I always talked that I should be the best I can be and not worry about who is right for me as a lover, but I never took action. I just wallowed in self-pity or justifiable sadness that I was rejected and hurt. If I depend on people to make me who I want to be, to make me be the best I can be, I will never be happy and I will always be sad. And I am so sick of being unhappy and depressed. I am tired of torturing myself and blaming myself, when I should have just stood up for my morals, my beliefs, myself from the get go. I was weak for so long, but not fragile. Never freaking fragile. (That is directly aimed at my lousy ex who deemed me breakable.)
So, am I weak for ever feeling sad and distraught? Am I stupid for tearing up when something reminds me of how people hurt me that should have loved me? Or when I cry for remembering when someone lied to me, or walked out of my life? I know recovery doesn't just happen, and that it takes time. But I want to know if I ever will fully recover? It is easier to be alone, it really is. I don't have to reintroduce a new love interest to my family again and again, which just brings problems and turmoil because it is time consuming, my track record of being too into a relationship isn't good as is, and it never works out. My family feels so much for me ( for the most part) that if I get hurt, it makes them hurt and angry, too. Excepting those who only care about themselves. No names. Obviously. I don't want to act like I don't have some grudging thoughts, but I don't have grudges against my family. I really can't because it's not fair. I'm imperfect just as much, so who am I to judge what they did at those moments or for not caring? I've been selfish before. Which it's weird how a long time self-loathing person can be selfish. But it is. My thoughts went a little off the new paragraph.
I just want to make sense of how I feel. I ignore the deep down thoughts most of the time lately because I don't want to go back down a depressed road, full of darkness and eating disorders and cutting. Too much alone alone time. Too much sobbing. But I do feel stuck in solitary confinement. The majority of my days I spend alone, and very single-minded. It is wonderful not having any attachments to the past string of guys that I dealt with, and not having to deal with current issues. Yes, to be rid of the past heartaches in that area is really nice. And relieving. But to be stuck, where no one else is even budging to earn my interest. Someone of decent material, background, age and situation. My situation in love is discouraging.
I go out places even if I don't feel like, just in case I may bump into the perfect stranger. I go inside the restaurant instead of the drive thru, I go to the gym and get all grimy and sweaty to be seen as a person who endures and works hard, I go to classes, I participate and speak up, I work hard at my job and keep at it, I try to be perky and smile and laugh. I go to the store just hoping maybe this time, I will meet someone and make a friend. I so badly want friends, someone to be close to me more often. But I don't even have time for that even if I made one. I would make time, knowing me, that's just what I do. I've exhausted every possible relationship out of my guy friend options. And there is nothing left to venture or seek out. None of my friends or acquaintances are right for me, in love, and I already accepted that. That isn't the issue. I think friends should all just stay friends. It's the fact that I am bettering myself, and no one else notices. No one notices. I am really growing up and no one can see that. I feel like I sound so childish to be complaining, and having to say I am growing up. But bear with me. OK? I haven't spilt all these feelings out. I have barely gone in depth with my true feelings about anything since... well, it's been a while.
I am discouraged. That is a fact.
I always talked that I should be the best I can be and not worry about who is right for me as a lover, but I never took action. I just wallowed in self-pity or justifiable sadness that I was rejected and hurt. If I depend on people to make me who I want to be, to make me be the best I can be, I will never be happy and I will always be sad. And I am so sick of being unhappy and depressed. I am tired of torturing myself and blaming myself, when I should have just stood up for my morals, my beliefs, myself from the get go. I was weak for so long, but not fragile. Never freaking fragile. (That is directly aimed at my lousy ex who deemed me breakable.)
So, am I weak for ever feeling sad and distraught? Am I stupid for tearing up when something reminds me of how people hurt me that should have loved me? Or when I cry for remembering when someone lied to me, or walked out of my life? I know recovery doesn't just happen, and that it takes time. But I want to know if I ever will fully recover? It is easier to be alone, it really is. I don't have to reintroduce a new love interest to my family again and again, which just brings problems and turmoil because it is time consuming, my track record of being too into a relationship isn't good as is, and it never works out. My family feels so much for me ( for the most part) that if I get hurt, it makes them hurt and angry, too. Excepting those who only care about themselves. No names. Obviously. I don't want to act like I don't have some grudging thoughts, but I don't have grudges against my family. I really can't because it's not fair. I'm imperfect just as much, so who am I to judge what they did at those moments or for not caring? I've been selfish before. Which it's weird how a long time self-loathing person can be selfish. But it is. My thoughts went a little off the new paragraph.
I just want to make sense of how I feel. I ignore the deep down thoughts most of the time lately because I don't want to go back down a depressed road, full of darkness and eating disorders and cutting. Too much alone alone time. Too much sobbing. But I do feel stuck in solitary confinement. The majority of my days I spend alone, and very single-minded. It is wonderful not having any attachments to the past string of guys that I dealt with, and not having to deal with current issues. Yes, to be rid of the past heartaches in that area is really nice. And relieving. But to be stuck, where no one else is even budging to earn my interest. Someone of decent material, background, age and situation. My situation in love is discouraging.
I go out places even if I don't feel like, just in case I may bump into the perfect stranger. I go inside the restaurant instead of the drive thru, I go to the gym and get all grimy and sweaty to be seen as a person who endures and works hard, I go to classes, I participate and speak up, I work hard at my job and keep at it, I try to be perky and smile and laugh. I go to the store just hoping maybe this time, I will meet someone and make a friend. I so badly want friends, someone to be close to me more often. But I don't even have time for that even if I made one. I would make time, knowing me, that's just what I do. I've exhausted every possible relationship out of my guy friend options. And there is nothing left to venture or seek out. None of my friends or acquaintances are right for me, in love, and I already accepted that. That isn't the issue. I think friends should all just stay friends. It's the fact that I am bettering myself, and no one else notices. No one notices. I am really growing up and no one can see that. I feel like I sound so childish to be complaining, and having to say I am growing up. But bear with me. OK? I haven't spilt all these feelings out. I have barely gone in depth with my true feelings about anything since... well, it's been a while.
I am discouraged. That is a fact.
