Well, fuck. It's been several months, hasn't it? My computer is so slow due to needing so many updates, and the last time I used it was to post the last blog. Back in July. I don't write as much as I used to because I really fill my free time/alone time with weight training. All my poetic thoughts are still inside of me, but I just gave myself a break this year, I suppose, from really dwelling on things. I think that comes from J's influence and energy, since he doesn't focus on the past like at all. I do want to always be moving forward, but I know that reflecting is part of my identity, and I should do it occasionally still to keep myself in check. I'm the only one that comes back here and reads this, but I haven't done that really this year. That's okay. I'm going through difference phases of life all the time, every year, and I don't need to relive often. I'm the weirdo that just stood up at the coffee shop and stretched and did "steps" so I can get my 9 hours of activity in on my fitbit. That's who I've become now. hahaha. It's important to me. OK.
I'm avoiding what I came here to talk about. I shouldn't avoid my thoughts. I never thought I'd feel this, where I am, and I guess I don't want to admit it "out loud," but the only person I'm hiding this from really is myself. I used to be so afraid that my parents wouldn't love me anymore because of "losing" my faith. But I realized that they never loved me for who I am. I've spent all this time learning and understanding them from afar, trying to find ways to understand and empathize with who they are even though it's so different from me half the time. Yet somehow everything is about them. I can only pinpoint all this really on my mom because my dad is so passive and doesn't speak up to how strongly he feels most of the time, but I know it isn't far off from her. She's just a bit more brash and rude, and he's a bit more passive. And I think I've tried to embrace more how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, identifying where it's coming from. But with certain things, I just don't want to focus on it, I don't want to go there, and I don't want to process it because I know how much it hurts. I don't suppress it, I just kinda want to leave it on the surface, but I will keep myself in the dark ocean where it's safe and mysterious. That isn't a better method.
I've also been avoiding reading C's emails. Some people are tempted to obsess over people that have hurt them, or that they've hurt, or people who we've grown apart from ... But I just don't. I haven't been even the slightest curious as to what he had to say. I just assumed it's something I've read before. He lives life in a circle, repeating the same mistakes and the same lies over and over. How could he produce something I've never seen? He never has. Besides, I told him I hated him without reading his message, so it wouldn't change that fact. He doesn't know. And that's okay.
How many times have I said here that if someone found this besides the audience that looks over it from time to time already...how screwed would I be? Just imagine, my parents finding this. That would be so so so interesting. But they'd see how I was so terrified, and how I was so sick of all the unnecessary guilt and shame. Not that my words would really reach them. They'd still write it off, like they do now. My existence and experiences aren't valid to them. I can't find my own purpose, my own happiness, my own moral code, and it all has to be because it's their fault. God is still amazing and they were bad messengers. Why does everyone assume it was just Christians that ruined Christianity for me? Sure, some of the people that really broke me down were Christians. I won't put that in parentheses because they WERE Christians. They REALLY were. But this is the problem, that belief system brought me pain and grief and disappointment to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I begged for death. It gave me fake highs and REAL REAL lows. When my emotions went away, so did my beliefs. That's how I knew it wasn't real. There was no God in the silence of my mind. In the stillness, there was me. I got myself through that, I took myself to therapy every other week, and I got myself out of bed without anyone pulling my hand. I pushed myself to search for the truth, and found so many holes. I did the work. I wasn't looking for an out. It would've made my personal life SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER to have been able to still believe. They really think it's as simple as just wanting to do what I want, and to fuck outside of marriage. How fucking ridiculous is that?! It's as if they never knew me. Wait, wait... they didn't. I was always intended to be a carbon copy of them blended together. But I'm not. Do they even know how HARD IT WAS to realize that something I based my whole life on was now senseless and meaningless? I had to rebuild myself. It was far from easy to "walk away."
After what my mom did and said to me, I am never going to be so passive and "kind," She tried to guilt me, but that doesn't work anymore. You have no fucking hold on me and my morals. You taught me how to say mean things to myself and feel sorry for myself. But I taught myself how to STRENGTHEN THE FUCK UP and shut those thoughts down. To stop being so "humbly" pitiful. If you just accepted me for who I am, you wouldn't be so grrrriiieeved. If you just thought to yourself for one second, "Wow, Hannah is a human being. She's been living on her own for over a year now and hasn't asked for money or to come home once. WOW. She's doing a lot better than I expected since I know she always had a hard time saving money. That's good for her. Wow, she's working 6 days a week. That must be rough. I hope she's eating enough and eating well. I am so happy she has John in her life. He seems to really balance her out." But no. You think about the negative all the time. You repeat to yourself that "Hannah is selling herself short. Hannah is immoral. Hannah threw away my beliefs. Hannah is living in sin. Hannah probably spends all her money and is irresponsible. Hannah is gonna get pregnant and have a bastard child."
I don't care what you think anymore. I learned that I can't care about what you think anymore. "I'll never be who you want me to be. I can't be who you want me to be." Megan told me to space myself from them for a while, and I agree. Hell, my bosses told me they didn't speak to their parents for 5-8 years because they wanted to get the point across to them to just FUCKING STOP. That you either accept me for who I am, or you get nothing. I don't know if I am ready for that kind of move because it seems a bit petty. But I did donate the book they gave J and I to where I work. hahaha. And I got books I'd actually read in return.
~ Wow it got cold in the coffee shop randomly...brrrrr~ I always get hungry at the coffee shops I spend a significant amount of time at, so I CAME PREPARED TODAY! I brought raspberries, banana chips, and sea salt dried chickpeas. One of my goals for the new year is to lower my body fat percentage, so I need to snack better. For some reason, my self control has been a bit out of sorts when it comes to food this last year. So I really need to refocus and push myself to be disciplined. And it's not like I'm asking for a lot of restriction, HANNAH. Just like, don't eat a bunch of sweets or two bowls of cereal when YOU JUST ATE a chicken and pasta dinner. OH MY LAWD IT'S COLD IN HERE! One girl here took her coat off and is wearing A TANK TOP. HOW?! This entry has become very random. I'm okay with that. These are how my thoughts work. So, I'm just being very transparent.
Second cup of coffee time. They aren't big mugs. But it's so good to drink GOOD coffee black. I don't remember exactly the last time I sat in here. Maybe months. It feels good to be here. It's no Colectivo, but it's good enough. I remember when I was in school, I'd take a Saturday or Sunday and drive far off to a coffee shop away from campus, and spend hours there. I'd work on homework, write poetry, and write in this blog. That version of me seems so far away. So long ago. My sister has had two kids since then. I'm going to be seeing at least two of my friends from school in January that I haven't seen since I graduated. I'm relieved for that. I have grown and changed so much since then, but I know my core self is still the same. I will still connect with these wonderful women in the same way we bonded back then. Over random activities and adventures, and drinking wine, and doing yoga and working out, or listening to music, talking about astrology and beliefs, or playing music, talking about boys in our lives, and girls that caused drama. They validated my existence when I was struggling with who I was. They encouraged me. I hope when I see them that I can be an encouragement, a delight, and a refreshment. That sounds weird, but I don't know another way to express what I mean. I just want to be a good friend.
Okay. I think I might do it. I might read that email. - - it's been 45 seconds since I decided I was going to read it, and I'm getting anxiety. Maybe I shouldn't. BUT REMEMBER HANNAH. He has no power over you and he won't know you read it and you are in a safe place. You're okay. I've never been more aware of my anxiety until this year since I haven't been depressed ( like felt heavy) in a long time.
Well, I read both and my whole body is shaking. because anxiety is great. it was a note telling me he still thought of me. that he moved back to his hometown. Wow. It's so interesting to read what he said, and then knowing I didn't read it, see my response. But you know what, I don't care. He realized where I had fit in his life, and it was too late. "As always, I'll respect what you need"... BAHAH WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. He's delusional. Our relationship was so unbalanced and problematic and toxic. And he only ever imposed his thoughts and feelings onto me, and then removed himself as soon as I started to lean on him. So, I'd fall and I'd break my bones. He mentioned missing our conversations but not missing me as an actual person. He misses what I gave him. I don't feel the need to actively hate him, but he really hurt me.
And honestly, I'm glad that J doesn't want to have conversations the way he and I did. Well, it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't think that way, so he doesn't communicate that way. I always knew how much I cared about C, and what I thought we could be and have. But he was so absorbed in his own thoughts. There was a rough lesson I learned in that whole painful process. If someone doesn't know how they feel about me, but I know how I feel about them, then that's it. I walk away. Because I'm not going to stand here, knowing how I feel, while they are uncertain and unsteady. I think that's my Taurus in Venus coming out. And that's what would upset me so much. How can you really see me, SEE ME, loving you so fiercely, and yet be so uncertain? And I realized, no more. Never again. That got through to J. And it's never gotten through to anyone before him. So, that's how I know he loves me as I am. I don't feel insecure anymore, and I don't worry about it when we fight about similar stuff that we broke up over. We have a foundation, and it's going to last for a while.
Well, I guess I've released a bit of what has been sitting there on the surface. Almost done with that second cup of coffee, but I don't think I'll get a third. That would be a bit much. I can't believe it took me four months to actually read that email. I used to jump on what he'd send me, but not anymore. And he said he was done trying to contact me. OH you are NOW? I thought my ignoring you was obvious enough for you to stop?? If he had just given me space like I had asked for, this could've been handled much differently, but he's never respected my needs. And every single time I got a voicemail and then an email... It made my anger grow so deeply. It took root, and became grounded into my stomach. He should've left me alone. I can't blame myself for how I reacted. Just because I read it now, I shouldn't judge myself or be hard on myself. He needed to know that his thoughtless actions have consequences, that his selfishness will cost him.
He isn't the only person that lost me as a friend this year. Well, technically he lost me last year, but it's "more official" now. Ha. How can someone say they KNOW they didn't do something when they also say they don't remember everything? Hmmm. That makes all the sense in the world. No more being friends with people that give me anxiety, that I have to serve to constantly, who I have to be who they want me to be, who make me feel like I have to be silent, who make me feel overwhelmed, who never let me talk, who play mind games, who treat me like a product... I'm not going to join in on the toxicity anymore. If you burn me, I WILL DROP YOU. If I can't be my real self around you, I won't go out of my way to be around you at all. I don't care who you are.
Alright bye for now.
I'm avoiding what I came here to talk about. I shouldn't avoid my thoughts. I never thought I'd feel this, where I am, and I guess I don't want to admit it "out loud," but the only person I'm hiding this from really is myself. I used to be so afraid that my parents wouldn't love me anymore because of "losing" my faith. But I realized that they never loved me for who I am. I've spent all this time learning and understanding them from afar, trying to find ways to understand and empathize with who they are even though it's so different from me half the time. Yet somehow everything is about them. I can only pinpoint all this really on my mom because my dad is so passive and doesn't speak up to how strongly he feels most of the time, but I know it isn't far off from her. She's just a bit more brash and rude, and he's a bit more passive. And I think I've tried to embrace more how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it, identifying where it's coming from. But with certain things, I just don't want to focus on it, I don't want to go there, and I don't want to process it because I know how much it hurts. I don't suppress it, I just kinda want to leave it on the surface, but I will keep myself in the dark ocean where it's safe and mysterious. That isn't a better method.
I've also been avoiding reading C's emails. Some people are tempted to obsess over people that have hurt them, or that they've hurt, or people who we've grown apart from ... But I just don't. I haven't been even the slightest curious as to what he had to say. I just assumed it's something I've read before. He lives life in a circle, repeating the same mistakes and the same lies over and over. How could he produce something I've never seen? He never has. Besides, I told him I hated him without reading his message, so it wouldn't change that fact. He doesn't know. And that's okay.
How many times have I said here that if someone found this besides the audience that looks over it from time to time already...how screwed would I be? Just imagine, my parents finding this. That would be so so so interesting. But they'd see how I was so terrified, and how I was so sick of all the unnecessary guilt and shame. Not that my words would really reach them. They'd still write it off, like they do now. My existence and experiences aren't valid to them. I can't find my own purpose, my own happiness, my own moral code, and it all has to be because it's their fault. God is still amazing and they were bad messengers. Why does everyone assume it was just Christians that ruined Christianity for me? Sure, some of the people that really broke me down were Christians. I won't put that in parentheses because they WERE Christians. They REALLY were. But this is the problem, that belief system brought me pain and grief and disappointment to the point where I wanted to kill myself. I begged for death. It gave me fake highs and REAL REAL lows. When my emotions went away, so did my beliefs. That's how I knew it wasn't real. There was no God in the silence of my mind. In the stillness, there was me. I got myself through that, I took myself to therapy every other week, and I got myself out of bed without anyone pulling my hand. I pushed myself to search for the truth, and found so many holes. I did the work. I wasn't looking for an out. It would've made my personal life SO MUCH FUCKING EASIER to have been able to still believe. They really think it's as simple as just wanting to do what I want, and to fuck outside of marriage. How fucking ridiculous is that?! It's as if they never knew me. Wait, wait... they didn't. I was always intended to be a carbon copy of them blended together. But I'm not. Do they even know how HARD IT WAS to realize that something I based my whole life on was now senseless and meaningless? I had to rebuild myself. It was far from easy to "walk away."
After what my mom did and said to me, I am never going to be so passive and "kind," She tried to guilt me, but that doesn't work anymore. You have no fucking hold on me and my morals. You taught me how to say mean things to myself and feel sorry for myself. But I taught myself how to STRENGTHEN THE FUCK UP and shut those thoughts down. To stop being so "humbly" pitiful. If you just accepted me for who I am, you wouldn't be so grrrriiieeved. If you just thought to yourself for one second, "Wow, Hannah is a human being. She's been living on her own for over a year now and hasn't asked for money or to come home once. WOW. She's doing a lot better than I expected since I know she always had a hard time saving money. That's good for her. Wow, she's working 6 days a week. That must be rough. I hope she's eating enough and eating well. I am so happy she has John in her life. He seems to really balance her out." But no. You think about the negative all the time. You repeat to yourself that "Hannah is selling herself short. Hannah is immoral. Hannah threw away my beliefs. Hannah is living in sin. Hannah probably spends all her money and is irresponsible. Hannah is gonna get pregnant and have a bastard child."
I don't care what you think anymore. I learned that I can't care about what you think anymore. "I'll never be who you want me to be. I can't be who you want me to be." Megan told me to space myself from them for a while, and I agree. Hell, my bosses told me they didn't speak to their parents for 5-8 years because they wanted to get the point across to them to just FUCKING STOP. That you either accept me for who I am, or you get nothing. I don't know if I am ready for that kind of move because it seems a bit petty. But I did donate the book they gave J and I to where I work. hahaha. And I got books I'd actually read in return.
~ Wow it got cold in the coffee shop randomly...brrrrr~ I always get hungry at the coffee shops I spend a significant amount of time at, so I CAME PREPARED TODAY! I brought raspberries, banana chips, and sea salt dried chickpeas. One of my goals for the new year is to lower my body fat percentage, so I need to snack better. For some reason, my self control has been a bit out of sorts when it comes to food this last year. So I really need to refocus and push myself to be disciplined. And it's not like I'm asking for a lot of restriction, HANNAH. Just like, don't eat a bunch of sweets or two bowls of cereal when YOU JUST ATE a chicken and pasta dinner. OH MY LAWD IT'S COLD IN HERE! One girl here took her coat off and is wearing A TANK TOP. HOW?! This entry has become very random. I'm okay with that. These are how my thoughts work. So, I'm just being very transparent.
Second cup of coffee time. They aren't big mugs. But it's so good to drink GOOD coffee black. I don't remember exactly the last time I sat in here. Maybe months. It feels good to be here. It's no Colectivo, but it's good enough. I remember when I was in school, I'd take a Saturday or Sunday and drive far off to a coffee shop away from campus, and spend hours there. I'd work on homework, write poetry, and write in this blog. That version of me seems so far away. So long ago. My sister has had two kids since then. I'm going to be seeing at least two of my friends from school in January that I haven't seen since I graduated. I'm relieved for that. I have grown and changed so much since then, but I know my core self is still the same. I will still connect with these wonderful women in the same way we bonded back then. Over random activities and adventures, and drinking wine, and doing yoga and working out, or listening to music, talking about astrology and beliefs, or playing music, talking about boys in our lives, and girls that caused drama. They validated my existence when I was struggling with who I was. They encouraged me. I hope when I see them that I can be an encouragement, a delight, and a refreshment. That sounds weird, but I don't know another way to express what I mean. I just want to be a good friend.
Okay. I think I might do it. I might read that email. - - it's been 45 seconds since I decided I was going to read it, and I'm getting anxiety. Maybe I shouldn't. BUT REMEMBER HANNAH. He has no power over you and he won't know you read it and you are in a safe place. You're okay. I've never been more aware of my anxiety until this year since I haven't been depressed ( like felt heavy) in a long time.
Well, I read both and my whole body is shaking. because anxiety is great. it was a note telling me he still thought of me. that he moved back to his hometown. Wow. It's so interesting to read what he said, and then knowing I didn't read it, see my response. But you know what, I don't care. He realized where I had fit in his life, and it was too late. "As always, I'll respect what you need"... BAHAH WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. He's delusional. Our relationship was so unbalanced and problematic and toxic. And he only ever imposed his thoughts and feelings onto me, and then removed himself as soon as I started to lean on him. So, I'd fall and I'd break my bones. He mentioned missing our conversations but not missing me as an actual person. He misses what I gave him. I don't feel the need to actively hate him, but he really hurt me.
And honestly, I'm glad that J doesn't want to have conversations the way he and I did. Well, it's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't think that way, so he doesn't communicate that way. I always knew how much I cared about C, and what I thought we could be and have. But he was so absorbed in his own thoughts. There was a rough lesson I learned in that whole painful process. If someone doesn't know how they feel about me, but I know how I feel about them, then that's it. I walk away. Because I'm not going to stand here, knowing how I feel, while they are uncertain and unsteady. I think that's my Taurus in Venus coming out. And that's what would upset me so much. How can you really see me, SEE ME, loving you so fiercely, and yet be so uncertain? And I realized, no more. Never again. That got through to J. And it's never gotten through to anyone before him. So, that's how I know he loves me as I am. I don't feel insecure anymore, and I don't worry about it when we fight about similar stuff that we broke up over. We have a foundation, and it's going to last for a while.
Well, I guess I've released a bit of what has been sitting there on the surface. Almost done with that second cup of coffee, but I don't think I'll get a third. That would be a bit much. I can't believe it took me four months to actually read that email. I used to jump on what he'd send me, but not anymore. And he said he was done trying to contact me. OH you are NOW? I thought my ignoring you was obvious enough for you to stop?? If he had just given me space like I had asked for, this could've been handled much differently, but he's never respected my needs. And every single time I got a voicemail and then an email... It made my anger grow so deeply. It took root, and became grounded into my stomach. He should've left me alone. I can't blame myself for how I reacted. Just because I read it now, I shouldn't judge myself or be hard on myself. He needed to know that his thoughtless actions have consequences, that his selfishness will cost him.
He isn't the only person that lost me as a friend this year. Well, technically he lost me last year, but it's "more official" now. Ha. How can someone say they KNOW they didn't do something when they also say they don't remember everything? Hmmm. That makes all the sense in the world. No more being friends with people that give me anxiety, that I have to serve to constantly, who I have to be who they want me to be, who make me feel like I have to be silent, who make me feel overwhelmed, who never let me talk, who play mind games, who treat me like a product... I'm not going to join in on the toxicity anymore. If you burn me, I WILL DROP YOU. If I can't be my real self around you, I won't go out of my way to be around you at all. I don't care who you are.
Alright bye for now.
