Why am I so opposed to saying I'm happy? Why have I let this heaviness linger on me for so long that I feel guilt for feeling good? I might not be the epitome of a 'glutton for punishment,' but I definitely qualify for that faction of people. I believe my state of mind has been hurting itself for years, and I have been reaching for an upward hand to pull me out of this place. I could stare in the mirror for minutes to maybe hours, eventually seeing my face change. I have shaped my opinion of myself through so much negativity, instead of what I know is true about me. I know in my heart that I define and create who I am, but my head gets so caught up on the idea that I am defined by what others do to me. I lay down and only have homework to stress over, yet I feel this heavy guilt that I should be worrying over more. Why are there so many gray clouds hanging over me when it's 'sunny with a high of 75?'
Is joy a state of being? Is happiness more than a feeling? I find fulfillment when I let go, take off my restraints, and run on incline as fast as I can. Anger doesn't take root in my heart like it used to, and bitterness is becoming a distant friend. Darkness comes to me every night, as if to ask, "Hey, aren't you still gonna let me in?" How can I see through this stained glass when it's become like contacts in my eyes? The world is tainted by my vision; my mind's eye isn't 20/20. It's not that I can't connect with the world around me, it's just I never knew it was okay before.
Who is truly quick to diagnose herself with mental illness or other health issues? I don't desire to have problems that need fixed. It amazes me to watch the reactions of others when I describe the way my mind works - it ravages itself. Some say the heaviness or disinterest I have is due to growing up, but have I been a "grown up" for the last 14 years? I've been called an old soul before. Do old souls experience a never ending ache of sadness that feels like how a low hum sounds? Do all of our brains tell our hearts to feel shame for not feeling sadness for one night? Does anyone else repeat the words "I'm fine" again and again because they don't really believe it? I read that "thoughts become things," and that if I keep being so cynical, life will always be dim. How do I rewire my brain when I had no dictation for my own makeup?
My heart is searching for peace and freedom. One day, I hope my brain will quiet down and let itself be at ease. There are moments of joy, happiness, highs, peace, and freedoms. I long to shape my mind and belief around those moments, and remember that they last forever, because they really do. I know that shame is a passing thing, and depression will one day fade away. Maybe I must start repeating to myself, "Life is beautiful despite the shadows," I will feel that and think that. I can heal.
Is joy a state of being? Is happiness more than a feeling? I find fulfillment when I let go, take off my restraints, and run on incline as fast as I can. Anger doesn't take root in my heart like it used to, and bitterness is becoming a distant friend. Darkness comes to me every night, as if to ask, "Hey, aren't you still gonna let me in?" How can I see through this stained glass when it's become like contacts in my eyes? The world is tainted by my vision; my mind's eye isn't 20/20. It's not that I can't connect with the world around me, it's just I never knew it was okay before.
Who is truly quick to diagnose herself with mental illness or other health issues? I don't desire to have problems that need fixed. It amazes me to watch the reactions of others when I describe the way my mind works - it ravages itself. Some say the heaviness or disinterest I have is due to growing up, but have I been a "grown up" for the last 14 years? I've been called an old soul before. Do old souls experience a never ending ache of sadness that feels like how a low hum sounds? Do all of our brains tell our hearts to feel shame for not feeling sadness for one night? Does anyone else repeat the words "I'm fine" again and again because they don't really believe it? I read that "thoughts become things," and that if I keep being so cynical, life will always be dim. How do I rewire my brain when I had no dictation for my own makeup?
My heart is searching for peace and freedom. One day, I hope my brain will quiet down and let itself be at ease. There are moments of joy, happiness, highs, peace, and freedoms. I long to shape my mind and belief around those moments, and remember that they last forever, because they really do. I know that shame is a passing thing, and depression will one day fade away. Maybe I must start repeating to myself, "Life is beautiful despite the shadows," I will feel that and think that. I can heal.
