No Title for Today.

I don’t like posting openly about my real thoughts and real life. I do have a blog where I have related some life events. I only post where I believe my audience is small or nonexistent. It’s not for attention or recognition. Definitely not for anyone to feel sorry for me or give me a pity party. I know that tonight is supposed to be a wonderful celebration, watching the new year come in. Everything about New Year’s Eve is just awful memories for me. I would rather not recollect them ever again. I just want to promise myself that I’ll protect my heart, no matter the cost. If I cannot live with myself, why should I push me aside and try to live with anyone else? I live my life. No one else does. Though, I’d rather not live mine sometimes. No one has a choice. Everything is preplanned. Predestined. I have no choice.

At least I won’t be blind this new year. I know love doesn’t exist. I know my heart will always ache. I know that the past made me who I am. And I know that no one really cares, deep down. We all just try to feel something we don’t want to feel. We all try to relate to each other when we don’t really care. We talk about our struggles, because no one else will listen. We confess our deep secrets because we can’t handle our guilt. Yes. Shame and guilt. 

I Can't Cry No More

It seems at that moment where I'm giving up on everything, that moment where my heart is completely destroyed, and I've no reason to keep going, and when I have lost all  feelings, something just steps in the way. But it isn't something that saves me. It's something that makes the noose to hang me on. It's something that pushes both of my feet out and locks the door behind me. Change. It forces me to move when I want to stay. It forces me to stay when I want to dance. I'm doomed to this - this emptiness. Depression, dissension - broken down and broken apart. I'm not going to recover from this one. I'm trying to move on, trying to let go, but it won't let me. I'll never get past this hurt.