Any day now, I will get a new laptop and it won't be as slow as the one I've got now. Just kidding. That is so low on the priority list right now, but it would be a nice thing to do. I don't remember the last time I used it, but I'd probably use it more if I refurbished it. Anyway.
I made myself drive to the coffeehouse I've met Megan at a few times now, and I am making myself sit still and type and drink a latte. It's been a while since I've done this, and it was my heart and soul when I was in school. I gave myself time to write a lot more back then, but I also needed it to keep my creative inspo flowing. Today is heavy. It seems like it's heavy for the barista that took my order, too. "Living the dream" was his response when I asked how he was. We all know that is code for "I really can't say how I am." I hate phrases like that. Just be obscurely honest. It's rough day, but I'll be okay. My instinct is to seem like I am really well, not necessarily happy, but strong. My latte cost $7 with a tip, so you can perk up for a second, buddy.
I'm avoiding why I'm here. Why am I at a coffee shop, making myself pause and drink a latte, and use this stupidly slow computer? I need to talk. I'm going to cry. I don't know if I'm depressed. There are some things about how I am now that I don't know if I am apathetic or if I'm depressed. Do things that made me happy not make me happy anymore because I don't care about them or has my imbalanced brain told me otherwise? I guess I should simply try to live in the moment and not overthink about it. If something doesn't matter right now, then I should just keep moving and not make an ordeal out of it.
Part of me doesn't want to put in the energy to talk about my brother or my sister. I've spent years wringing myself dry trying to be empathetic and placing effort, energy, love, and investment in them. But I can't do it anymore, and it's for various reasons. I can't compare them because they aren't the same, but they still manage to treat people like shit whom they supposedly value most. He is a lazy, coward who lives in self-pity and regret. She is a bully who lives in denial and thinks gifts and attention will fill the emptiness and guilt living in her body. I don't care if their feelings are based on valid experiences. They use how they feel and what they think to inflict pain on others, and they use guilt to try to control. You will not guilt me. You will not use me.
I held anger and hurt so deeply in my body, and I still do this. I try to bury it and beat my body into submission. I used to self harm, I used to punch my own chest, I used to over workout, and I still push myself into submission. But I am trying to surround it with healthy goals and healthy thoughts. The difference now is I go to the gym to build myself up, sort through heavy feelings, and make true progress. I am obsessive about it, but it's been in my life for 6 years now.
Maybe this won't turn into a rant, but I know it's good for me to write when I am heavy. I don't write songs anymore, but I still write poetry. It's much more direct and raw than ever before. Maybe that's the message I am supposed to be getting to, being more direct and raw. I don't mean that I will verbally attack them, but part of me doesn't know. I want to have the courage to address the issues head on, and I know that when I am forced to, I don't back down. People underestimate me. My family definitely does, but they will learn, and I know they are learning already. I was viewed like I was little, tiny, baby, fragile, undetermined, broken, selfish, fake, weak, quiet, passive, changeable, easily swayed... Nope. That isn't me. It's strange how the one person that was viewed like this, so tiny and impressionable, is the one that everyone wants approval from. That's why they try to make me smaller and cuter and sweeter than I really am. They want me to like them and always be looking up to them.
I don't fight for people. I love for them. I've had to take up so much space trying to fill in the cracks where people didn't love me enough. And I'm done. I'm done doing that. That's when my best friendships were realized. People who made me want to fight to hold on, who made me want to fight things out, talk things out. I've stopped trying to keep the peace with people I love most and been more direct and raw. It's scary, and I still get so much anxiety, but I confront them. (Thank God not all my friends and I have had to fight, but I do at least talk that shit out now). But I will never be in a place like that with my brother and sister. Unless, some divine miracle were to happen, and healing and real growth were to blossom on their hearts.
I made myself drive to the coffeehouse I've met Megan at a few times now, and I am making myself sit still and type and drink a latte. It's been a while since I've done this, and it was my heart and soul when I was in school. I gave myself time to write a lot more back then, but I also needed it to keep my creative inspo flowing. Today is heavy. It seems like it's heavy for the barista that took my order, too. "Living the dream" was his response when I asked how he was. We all know that is code for "I really can't say how I am." I hate phrases like that. Just be obscurely honest. It's rough day, but I'll be okay. My instinct is to seem like I am really well, not necessarily happy, but strong. My latte cost $7 with a tip, so you can perk up for a second, buddy.
I'm avoiding why I'm here. Why am I at a coffee shop, making myself pause and drink a latte, and use this stupidly slow computer? I need to talk. I'm going to cry. I don't know if I'm depressed. There are some things about how I am now that I don't know if I am apathetic or if I'm depressed. Do things that made me happy not make me happy anymore because I don't care about them or has my imbalanced brain told me otherwise? I guess I should simply try to live in the moment and not overthink about it. If something doesn't matter right now, then I should just keep moving and not make an ordeal out of it.
Part of me doesn't want to put in the energy to talk about my brother or my sister. I've spent years wringing myself dry trying to be empathetic and placing effort, energy, love, and investment in them. But I can't do it anymore, and it's for various reasons. I can't compare them because they aren't the same, but they still manage to treat people like shit whom they supposedly value most. He is a lazy, coward who lives in self-pity and regret. She is a bully who lives in denial and thinks gifts and attention will fill the emptiness and guilt living in her body. I don't care if their feelings are based on valid experiences. They use how they feel and what they think to inflict pain on others, and they use guilt to try to control. You will not guilt me. You will not use me.
I held anger and hurt so deeply in my body, and I still do this. I try to bury it and beat my body into submission. I used to self harm, I used to punch my own chest, I used to over workout, and I still push myself into submission. But I am trying to surround it with healthy goals and healthy thoughts. The difference now is I go to the gym to build myself up, sort through heavy feelings, and make true progress. I am obsessive about it, but it's been in my life for 6 years now.
Maybe this won't turn into a rant, but I know it's good for me to write when I am heavy. I don't write songs anymore, but I still write poetry. It's much more direct and raw than ever before. Maybe that's the message I am supposed to be getting to, being more direct and raw. I don't mean that I will verbally attack them, but part of me doesn't know. I want to have the courage to address the issues head on, and I know that when I am forced to, I don't back down. People underestimate me. My family definitely does, but they will learn, and I know they are learning already. I was viewed like I was little, tiny, baby, fragile, undetermined, broken, selfish, fake, weak, quiet, passive, changeable, easily swayed... Nope. That isn't me. It's strange how the one person that was viewed like this, so tiny and impressionable, is the one that everyone wants approval from. That's why they try to make me smaller and cuter and sweeter than I really am. They want me to like them and always be looking up to them.
I don't fight for people. I love for them. I've had to take up so much space trying to fill in the cracks where people didn't love me enough. And I'm done. I'm done doing that. That's when my best friendships were realized. People who made me want to fight to hold on, who made me want to fight things out, talk things out. I've stopped trying to keep the peace with people I love most and been more direct and raw. It's scary, and I still get so much anxiety, but I confront them. (Thank God not all my friends and I have had to fight, but I do at least talk that shit out now). But I will never be in a place like that with my brother and sister. Unless, some divine miracle were to happen, and healing and real growth were to blossom on their hearts.
